Posted 4/28/2011 9:25 PM (GMT -7)
It's been 12 years since I was first diagnosed with fibromyalgia and I still don't know how to cope. Honestly, I haven't had a "good day" in over 8 years. As my diagnoses increased ( HCV, Non diabetic poly neuropathy, arthritis, a cyst in my brain, carpal tunnel) my friends decreased. I had a very bright academic future, and should have attained my PhD by now, but that was not to be. I've always won my battles with an iron will; a drop-out at age 12, a childhood victim of sexual abuse, introduced to mild and very heavy drugs by my parents from age 11 on, and in an abusive marriage by my early 20s, I got into counseling after a suicide attempt and turned everything around. I attended university, which it turned out I loved and was very good at. I worked my way through college, single mom, graduated with a double major and honors, then became ill two years after graduation, one year into my graduate studies. With a 15 yr. old and 2 babies, I just couldn't do it and work too. I was very bitter about that for a long time.
So I've been slogging about in a pain-fog for 12 years, denied disability in '07, in the process of applying again, this time with a good doctor and a good lawyer. I have finally realized that my famous iron will has no control over disease. That if it were really about will or desire, I'd have become well long ago. The only thing I can change is how I choose to perceive things. I am in financial ruin because I cannot work, homeless at present, and battling depression (a lifelong plague).
All I can say is, take cheer where it's offered. Mobility has become an enormous problem for me, and while I feel horrible about not being able to take my boys on outings like we used to, and about the struggle to keep food in the house (as much as because I have no car as because of $ problems), my sons will tell me that they don't care, they are happy just to have me as their mom and that's all they need. Could I ask for more wonderful children?? Things like that, or curling up with a good book, a cuddle with my cat, those are the things that count. Perhaps I'll be well enough one day to write my great novel (or two) and in the meantime I write whenever I can, but until then, God has seen fit to make my once very big life quite small. That's my lesson to learn and I'm still learning it.
I guess what really matters is appreciating the journey for whatever it is, instead of trying to make it what it was or mourning the loss of what it was. It would have changed anyway, really, nothing stays the same, and who is to say some other path wouldn't have been even worse than this one?
I've only been a member of the forum for a couple days, but it is already helping. Stay in touch! It's okay to have a bad day, to be angry, because healthy people often don't and can't understand what we are. It is lovely to have a place like this. And housework be darned!
Fibromyalgia, Polyneuropathy, i.e., both arms, both legs, @ 90%, Hep. C, rheumatoid arthritis, carpal tunnel both hands, mobility problems--use cane to walk, severe vitamin D deficiency