Does this ever happen to you?

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Blessedx8
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Date Joined Aug 2008
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   Posted 5/6/2011 1:06 AM (GMT -6)   

I was just thinking about something that has been happening to me pretty often these days.... I would live in my pajamas if it was practical. :)  But for the past several months - I try to put on comfortable clothes, do my hair and at least apply a little bit of make-up.  I can still see my health issues in my face - if I'm in pain, it shows; also, I'm still pretty anemic (from the blood transfusion) and I am pretty pale.
 
I know people mean well and, I guess are trying to empathize w/ me??  But everywhere I go - friends, family, church friends and so forth say essentially the same thing - "You look tired today"; "You look like you aren't feeling well"; "I can tell you are having a hard day today" and on the list goes :)
 
What's funny is that I'm trying to "come back to life" by getting dressed and doing my hair/make-up.  I get that it doesn't cover up all my health issues.  But darn.... does everyone need to tell me how crappy I look??? :)  Or do you think people are just trying to empathize w/ me because they know I'm not well??? 
 
(This isn't the biggest issue of my life!! I just wonder if anyone else deals w/ anything similar).  Thanks for listening.... --Tina
Dx: Disabled due to many, many health/pain issues
Meds: Heart meds, Effexor, various Pain Meds (I've literally been on them all)...and on the list goes; intrathecal pain pump candidate

Personal: Christian wife and mom; I have six sons...and two "surprise" blessings - identical twin daughters (born 9/2010)

Jim1969
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Date Joined Jul 2009
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   Posted 5/6/2011 1:25 AM (GMT -6)   
It is something of a catch 33 isn't it?

If people recognize that you are not feeling well and comment on it then you feel like they are saying you shouldn't be up and around or as you say they are telling you that you are doing a poor job at hiding it since it still shows.

If people ignore it you feel like they are ignoring you, at least part of you.

If they say things like they just don't believe you are as "ill" as you say you are because you are able to get up, take a shower, get dressed and go out they are ignorant, rude, and uncaring.


In the example you brought up I think the real message really depends on the person saying it. If the person telling you things like that is usually kind hearted and caring they probably mean well and are acknowledging they understand or are at least trying to understand how you feel.

In the end though I think it is really up to you how you want to take those types of comments. Given the amount of ignorant, selfish, uncaring people out there in the world I think I would try my best to view those kind of things in a positive light.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.

Blessedx8
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Date Joined Aug 2008
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   Posted 5/6/2011 2:44 AM (GMT -6)   
You guys make me smile :)
 
Jim - the more I read of your posts, I think you have lots of wisdom to share...please keep posting!   You are right; I do try to see the "positive" spin on what's being said....  I don't think most of the comments are mean-spirited....  It's actually rather humorous (in my twisted humor!) - because if these people really knew how much effort it took to just get a shower, put on clothes and such - they would be amazed :)
 
Paula - LOL... I do think the comments are mostly made in love and caring.... a sort of "hug" w/out a hug.  haha :)  Thanks you for helping me see things for what they probably are.
 
Like I said - I have much bigger issues than these :)  But it's just funny to me when I finally *try* to put some effort into pulling myself together... and, still, people see through it all.  I DO shower every day :) (again, though, some of us know just how much effort it takes to get those showers; w/ my heart/fatigue issues - it can wipe me out sometimes in itself).... but, these comments make me just want to throw back on my PJ's (which are quite cute and comfy) and say - "why bother??!" smilewinkgrin
 
I'm just rambling....it's just been said to me like 5x this week.  But thank you guys for listening.  Love, Tina

Monty's Mom
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Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 5/6/2011 2:54 AM (GMT -6)   
Tina,

I agree with Jim and with Paula.

You should get applause for showering everyday and making the effort to do your hair and some makeup! Good job! Keep it up if it makes you feel good! I know how much of a struggle it is to shower everyday. You are doing a great job as a mom and are caring for yourself too. You should feel good about that.

Jim says it best for me. I am trying to get to the point where I simply do what I need for me and be happy with it. If it is something you need or makes you feel better, then do it!

Mindy

Blessedx8
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Date Joined Aug 2008
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   Posted 5/6/2011 3:02 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks, Mindy.... I appreciate the encouragement.  The clothes/hair/make-up doesn't necessarily make me feel better - in fact, it's all I can do some days to do it.  But I do have 8 kids...and have to force myself into public for them at times :)  I know they appreciate that I put a little effort into things.
 
But if you come to my house....more often than not....I'll still be in those PJ's of mine tongue The kids in the neighborhood just have to come to know that of me.... but you know kids, they still love me the same :)  If we could all be as non-judgemental and innocent as kids :)
 
--Tina

Betsey Ross
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Date Joined Mar 2011
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   Posted 5/6/2011 4:04 AM (GMT -6)   
We had 2 cousins and their husbands over to our house. They brought pizza and soda. We ate on paper plates ,we didnt cook, and we enjoyed each other company. well, 2 weeks later I was speaking to one of the husbands and he said that when they can over I was really white in color. I was shocked because I had no idea. I did get a shower,dressed but no makeup. I dont usually wear makeup. But white,gosh. I have to start really looking at my face in the mirror more often. lol

Betsey
crushed lower knee and vertical fx of yibia/external fixator placed/plates and screws and tried to place big pieces of cartiledge under knee cap/tremendous pain in affected legcontinously without improving/allergic to metal in left leg/leg isnt straight/need metal removed in July/wait 6 months for healing/then toatal knee replacement/straighten out leg/more phsyxical therapy/take opana er

flower123
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Date Joined Apr 2009
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   Posted 5/6/2011 4:08 AM (GMT -6)   
I still don't know how you do it with eight kids! I'm nervous about trying for ONE! You are SUPERMOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hugs,

Flower

_Christina
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Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 553
   Posted 5/6/2011 9:27 AM (GMT -6)   
I actually try harder to look good when I am feeling the worst emotionally, so a few people at church have come to realize that if I have put a lot of work into my apperance they come to see how I am doing.
I have 2 sets of clothes. 'house' clothes and 'out' clothes. They're not nessasarly pjs, but not the most apealing clothes either. Things I can throw on and move around in without trouble. Several house dresses that I could run to the gas station with but only at odd hours. I don't mind being seen inside the house in them, but don't make me go anywhere.
Of course I'm the "drop off the kids at school in house slippers and some clothes over my pjs" mom.
Treatments: gluten-free diet, Cpap
Medications: omeprazole, probiotic caps; multi-vitamin supplement; docusate sodium, fiber chews; zertec, ferrous sulfate, cymbalta, lamotrigine, ambien, alprazolam, plaquinil, sulfasalazine, methotrexate, leucovorin calicium, folic acid, motrin, tramadol, pennsaid, aspercream, nasonex, albuterol sulfate inhaler

straydog
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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 16011
   Posted 5/6/2011 10:54 AM (GMT -6)   
Tina, you are so right some days it is a struggle to get that shower done, but its just a must with me. And the pj's thing, I was there for a good year, spent nearly a year in bed and down instead of up. I can't tell you the damage that did and no I don't recommend it to anyone. A lot of the problem was depression too. My drs were all just beside themselves because I was wasting away and that is not normal behavior CP, crohns flares one after the other or not. Finally with professional help I was able to get out of that hole. Then I got mad because I had wasted a year of my life that I could not get back. Also during that time I had learned thru a neighbor about Ebay and found a wonderful brand of pj's that I loved, ended up with a little over 200 pairs, I am still pj poor. My psychologist pointed out to me that one of the best things I could do for myself was to in maintain some of my old ways was to do the simple things that I could still do from my old life. Things like you mentioned, the hair and a little makeup, those were things I had done every day because I worked and it made me feel better about myself.

I think the comments you are talking about are people's way of saying I am concerned about you, but they are trying to do it in a way of actually not coming right out and saying those words. I think they are meant well and probably from the heart.
Moderator Chronic Pain Forum

Blessedx8
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Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 3193
   Posted 5/7/2011 1:41 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi everyone....
 
Flower - thanks for the comments smilewinkgrin Ahhhh, the first one is the hardest and then it's just adding another one into the bunch, haha (and then another one, another one, etc etc).  Anyway, I wish I were "Supermom!".  But it took me forever to realize that is just myth that doesn't exist - no matter how hard you try.  If you ever have any child-specific questions, though, feel free to ask. 
 
Paula - you make me laugh - and are soooo right; the images of "moms" portrayed on TV are ridiculous.  Designer clothes, perfect make-up - and, yes - of course - those darn high heels.  Get real!  I'd kill myself in the first 10 minutes of wearing heels and chasing my kiddos lol.
 
Christina - I totally get what you are saying! 
 
Stray - I know what you are saying, too.  I had a time, too, where I was in bed... and it wasn't good.  It took me awhile to dig my way out of the hole, too...and am so thankful that I did (AND that you were able to, too).  200 pairs of PJ's?  Now that's a lot, sister!! :)  When I say PJ's.... they still technically "are" pajamas.....but, throw in a sweatshirt, and I can make them look like a casual outfit.  But you are right - there's a difference between being in bed in pajamas; and taking that shower, doing your hair/make-up - even if you still put your comfy clothes back on. 
 
You are all right - I know the comments are meant in love.  I wasn't even really complaining.... I actually see it pretty humorous now :)  Because the harder I try to conceal how I *really* feel (hair done; make-up - under-eye concealer; blush; lipstick; etc) - the more of these comments I get.  AND when I don't try - just "wash and go" - I've had people say "you are looking great today".  Hahaha.  Go figure!!

Post Edited (Momto8kids) : 5/7/2011 2:12:05 AM (GMT-6)


Jim1969
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Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 5/7/2011 1:56 AM (GMT -6)   
Personally I see no need to get "dressed up" if you are going to be staying in all day. Run a brush through your hair and wear what ever is comfortable.

IMHO you don't know what being a parent is if you have never had "milk" or food stains on your clothes.

If you can go all day every day and never have to change your shirt because it stayed completely dry.

Never gotten dressed to go out only having to change again because your kid decided to give you a big hug right after eating something messy of digging in the garden.

Never had the "joy" of comforting a sick child only to have them deposit everything they have eaten in the last two days all over you.

Care more about your kids than how you look.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.

Blessedx8
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Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 3193
   Posted 5/7/2011 2:33 AM (GMT -6)   
Whew.... fell asleep while writing that last post here.  I'm heading to bed right after this. :) :)
 
Jim - I'm with you.... and really don't give a darn about how I look.  It's taking care of the kids that matter.  And they don't care, as I said before.
 
I was just stating that it's humorous that I can put effort into looking ok - and be told how "ill" I look.... and, other times, do nothing - and be told I look really great.  Just one of those funny things about life.
 
Yeah, if I'm home, then I don't "dress up" at all....just am clean.  But w/ 8 kids, there's always someone to run somewhere or someone to see, etc. (and I still don't dress up - but at least look more presentable than at home).  Again, it's not that I care what people think.... it's just funny.  Or, at least, funny to me!!
 
Night! 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Dx: Disabled due to many, many health/pain issues
Meds: Heart meds, Effexor, various Pain Meds (I've literally been on them all)...and on the list goes; intrathecal pain pump candidate

Personal: Christian wife and mom; I have six sons...and two "surprise" blessings - identical twin daughters (born 9/2010)

straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 16011
   Posted 5/7/2011 11:16 AM (GMT -6)   
Tina are you guilty of the keyboard imprint on your forehead, lol.? I had to ask since you fell asleep. I have that impression quite frequently myself, lol.

Yes, girl, I ended up with over 200 pairs of pj's and the brand I just love. Some of them do not look like pj's in fact I have worn them out to run into the store or drug store. I have them in every color and style made, lol. You really don't want to hear about that time period in my life believe me. I have them in plastic tubs in the closets upstairs. I took some over to the womens shelter and donated them.

I don't dress up as Jim was talking about unless I am going somewhere but I do get up and get dressed every day. Some days I may throw a little war paint on if I am in the mood. Of course my situation is totally different from yours as my kids are all grown. It is true that if I am up and dressed I am more inclined to go eat lunch with a friend, or just hop in my car and go to WalMart or Target to just get out of the house. That was another purpose of the psychologist telling me to get dressed and cleaned up. If I am presentable to go out, then I am going to be more prone to get out of the house for a bit.

Now that I think about it, here you have gone the extra mile to make yourself look better and get nailed for looking bad, lol. We just can't win sometimes, ,lol.
Moderator Chronic Pain Forum

Blessedx8
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Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 3193
   Posted 5/7/2011 1:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Susie...
 
Haha... the keyboard imprint.  Yep, been there, done that :)
 
You got exactly what I was trying to say - I *try* to go the extra mile...and then get told I look like terrible. LOL.  You are right - I just can't win....!!
 
Ahhh, life is funny.  Just gotta laugh sometimes. smilewinkgrin

Take care all. --Tina

 
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