So, the last time I wrote out a long post just as I hit submit the Internet went down and everything was lost. I had rambled on and used the forum to assemble my disconnected thoughts to give myself some order and let all of you know what was happening with me. At the very least I was able to put my thoughts in order even if none of you got to see it.
At the beginning of this week I was battling with the insurance company over my sleeping medication. It was at refill time, and even though I called in for the refill when I had 4 days left I ended up going 2 nights without sleep when I ran out.
Bad, bad, bad for my bipolar.
Lack of sleep throws me off balance emotionally. I have trouble dealing with anything. I tend to go a bit manic, then I have still more trouble sleeping, which sends me into a uncontrollable spiral that has me finally crash. I have been taking the sleep medications for 3 years so that we can guarantee that I will get sleep to help me remain stable. (Sometimes I will still have trouble even with the medications, going several days without sleep despite anti anxiety and sleep meds, but very rarely and mostly in the summer or when meds are messed with)
So, back to now. Monday and Tuesday nights without sleep. Every little twinge is harder to ignore. It's not so much that I hurt worse, it is significantly more difficult for me to cope with the same amount of discomfort.
On Wednesday morning I described the way it felt like this: Think of yourself in a place filled with fog. All around you there are places that have alarms and flashing lights that are distractions and draw your attention, but when you go to get to each one to deal with it you find you are bogged down in sludge that makes each movement take extreme effort. The flashing alarms were thoughts and ideas and activities and distractions and the person was my ability to see, think, communicate each thing. Once I got to each one to attend to it, 3,4 10 more were going off.
Now with some anti anxiety med that all slowed down to become manageable. My word recall is shot, my ability to multitask is shot, don't call me on the phone because my ability to track the conversation is severely limited.
Yesterday my thought process was better (the alarms slowed down, the fog lifted a bit and the sludge thinned out a bit) But I started shaking just a bit and I got chilled.
Today the alarms aren't there so much, but I am completely exhausted. I'm soooo glad that I have gotten 2 nights of sleep. I cut the manic before it really got a chance to get going.
Today I am cold, my comprehension level is down, I am making so many typos it's not even funny, but it is easier to get my thoughts to run together onto the computer.
I am soooo sore. The funny thing is that it's not the really bad pain, but an all over general ache. Not just my joints, but the muscles and ligaments and tendons too. Laying my forearm onto the pillow is sore. My back is sore, the back of my thighs, the top of my foot, my jaw and neck muscles, even my scalp has this general ache to it. It hurts more to touch, so sitting and laying is more sore, but I'm too exhausted to stand. It's a different feeling from the ache in my hand joints that pop up as I type. I wonder if I imagine it, like I just think it's sore and if I distract myself or move it will go away, but if I move or touch it it is worse and validates the ache. Not a high number, but oh, so exhausting, and not in my joints, (although that's there too).
My husband has his Nursing Program Final today at 1:00. Then he works all weekend.
I have a list of things I should be doing for the house today, like scoop the litter box, wash dishes, clean the splatters that the kids left in the microwave before it gets gross, etc. But they feel so exhausting right now, they might as well be paint the house or repave the sidewalk.
So here I am.
Treatments: gluten-free diet, Cpap
Medications: omeprazole, probiotic caps; multi-vitamin supplement; docusate sodium, fiber chews; zertec, ferrous sulfate, cymbalta, lamotrigine, ambien, alprazolam, plaquinil, sulfasalazine, methotrexate, leucovorin calicium, folic acid, motrin, tramadol, pennsaid, aspercream, nasonex, albuterol sulfate inhaler