My best friend is hurting from the loss of her husband of 40 years, anywhere she can get some help

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NiNi53
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Date Joined Mar 2011
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   Posted 5/6/2011 10:45 AM (GMT -6)   
My very best friend of 30 years lost her husband of 40 years very quickly of leukemia, that  had apparently gone undiagnosed for at least a year. Sorry is just never enough to say, I know it is going to take some time and I sure it will take alot of time actually. Letting him go was the most unselfish thing she could have done, as he would not have wanted to just exist so she could just be with him and he was in so much pain.
 
I can only give her all the love and understanding I possibly can, they had 2 children together, they are adults now of course, his daughter was trying to have and grandchild for him before he left, (she was planning on starting a family anyway), but time got away from her very quickly.  He son is the one I am worried about even more that my friend.  He seems completely lost, and calls his mother about 20 times a day whichg is getting in the way of her own way of coping.
 
I can only hope that time will eventually begin to heal all of them.  If anyone has any ideas on grief counceling, let me know I would so much appreciate it, I myself am grieving but I am dealing, I would like to be able to help her and the children in some way.
 
Thanks everyone, hoping all are having very low pain days and bless all of you.
degenerative disc disease, fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, neuropathy, lumbar laminectomy july 1998 no help, rechargeable neurostimulator unit low right back w/lead wires to left side and right leg unit not working just sitting there.i am 57 years young in may will turn 58. i have 2 grown daughters, 25 and 29. i have 2 grandchildren, 9 year old grandaughter and 5 yr. old grandson

momtofourangels
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Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 2261
   Posted 5/6/2011 2:47 PM (GMT -6)   
Oh Nini. I'm so sorry about your friend's husband passing away, but he's no longer in pain. My condolences and prayers for the family. It does sound like the family really needs some counseling. Bless their hearts. You take care. It's wonderful that you're trying to help them. I hope you're having a low pain day.

love and hugs
Loretta
Dx: osteoarthritis, bursitis in left hip, Osteoarthrits in right hip, compression fracture in thoracic spine due to falling on frozen ground March 2001 , ddd, spinal stenosis, bone spurs, osteoarthritis in spine, osteoarthritis in both knees
Meds: Fentanyl patch, oxycodone, otc: BenGay, Tylenol Arthritis on occasion

NiNi53
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Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 816
   Posted 5/6/2011 4:54 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Loretta, I am going to look around where we live and see if I can find (and I am sure there is somewhere out there) some grief counseling for the family.  Pat (shes the friend) has a habit of always trying to be strong and not reaching out, but she is going to have to find some outlet for her pain or it can start to cause the physical problems she has to get worse.  She is herself disabled with having had a stroke 10 years ago, and soon after the first one, she had another. 
 
So whether she likes it or not, she is to important to me to let her allow herself to become sick due to this tragedy.  I am one of the few people who will nag her and remind her just as she does me that she must take care of herself.  As I tell her, she cant go anywhere and leave me here to fend for myself.  I am not having it.
 
So thank you again Loretta, your blessing and caring make me feel alot better.  Hoping you are having low pain day and many many more low pain days.
degenerative disc disease, fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, neuropathy, lumbar laminectomy july 1998 no help, rechargeable neurostimulator unit low right back w/lead wires to left side and right leg unit not working just sitting there.i am 57 years young in may will turn 58. i have 2 grown daughters, 25 and 29. i have 2 grandchildren, 9 year old grandaughter and 5 yr. old grandson

Chutz
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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 9090
   Posted 5/7/2011 12:09 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi~

I'm sorry for the pain you and your friend are experiencing. Loss of a family member is painful beyond words and often words, which are truly mean in kindness, never make it into the brain to sooth the misery.

I remember when I lost my 23 y/o son I was literally numb for months on end. To the outside world I seemed to be coping but no one, not even those closest to me, saw the pain on the inside. It took a very long time and a kind but not pushy doctor who offered help if and when I needed it.

My only suggestion would be to let her heal in her own time. That doesn't mean to totally stay away or not encourage her but give her some time and space to work through her feelings and pain. Things that might help are the small things...things that her husband might have done around the house. Like washing her car, mow the lawn, take her dry cleaning in for her, take out her garbage can on pick-up day, plant a few flowers in her garden to help her remember that spring is still here and her life will go on. You can enlist the help of other friends and neighbors but be careful to not overwhelm her. Maybe when she's up to it take a light supper over and have a quiet meal together.

Hopefully something in here will be of help to you or another who reads it. Pain heals slowly and slow is different for all of us...sometimes it's never. Having a huge scar on your heart is with you forever.

Hugs,
Chutz
Moderator on the Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain forums
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Daily Donnybrook: Fibromyalgia, Insulin Dependent Diabetes. Ulcerative Colitis, Rare form of Dermatitis, Collapsed Disk, Osteoarthritis (especially in right hand and neck) and a couple of other adjunct agitations.
~~~~~
Use the talents you possess, for the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except the best.

straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 16272
   Posted 5/7/2011 11:29 AM (GMT -6)   
I too am sorry to hear about your friend's husband. I can only tell you that people mourn differently, its not a one size fit all type of thing, I have to agree with what Chutz has written. I know you want to help your friend but remember this is her loss and she will deal with it her way and it is real easy to feel overwhelmed.

Some hospitals offer free grief counseling so you may want to check with some of your local hospitals. This is usually done in a group setting. A friend of mine and her family went to one after losing her daughter suddenly, but it was some time before they were ready for that.

Take care.
Moderator Chronic Pain Forum
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