.... and I'm terrified.
I have done everything I can to prepare for the worst; I'm a firm believer in thwarting "Murphy's Law". And at this point in time all I can do is wait till 4am on Wednesday, when it'll be time to get up and make the hour and a half drive with my Father to the hospital in Vegas for my 6am surgery.
I've never had surgery before. I mean not the "cut you open and fiddle around inside" kinda stuff. I've had out-patient procedures, like my trial stim unit, and some nerve blocks where they put me out so they could inject into the nerve clusters in my neck. But I've never done what I'm about to do, and it scares me. I know what the surgeon is going to do. He's going to make two different openings. He's told me about feeding the wires subdermally, and how he'll take half the top of one vertibrae as well as shave the epidural opening larger so he can fit the paddle leads in. I know my Pain Doctor will be assisting him, and they've got all the current x-ray and MRI films.
Tomorrow I'll make the drive to go do all my pre-addmission stuff. All the last of my paperwork, probably a blood draw, etc. My Mom's going with me for that; she's got alot of surgical experience under her belt. After all, I was my son's age (8 years old) when she went in for her cancer surgery.
I've tried to make peace with this, and all the possible out comes that can happen. I knew this all going in, and I said yes for a reason; the reward is worth the risks. My pain has spiked again, and I've been in unbearable pain. I think my CRPS is trying to spead to my left hand as lately it's been having issues to boot. I know in the last three and a half years I've watched my pain get worse and worse, watched my meds switch and get increased regularly. I've watched my life deteriorate till what I am is barely a shadow of my former self. My pain has ruined my life and destroyed my dreams, and some how through it all I've tried to stay strong and positive; the support of my Mother and those of you here have definately helped. Especially when others didn't want to believe my pain was real.
But I would be lying now to myself, and to all of you, if I didn't say I wasn't terrified. I'm not asking for anyone here to pray for me. I'm not asking for well wishes. I just felt like I needed to get it off my chest. For four days I haven't slept well now. Part of that is because they put me on some hardcore antibiotics four days ago that have made me sick and restless. The freezeing rainy weather has not helped my pain, which in turn reflects in my mood; we all know that one. Still, I can't shake this feeling of dread. My instincts are screaming at me that this isn't going to be the cake walk so many people keep telling me. My Mom and Dad keep telling me I'll be fine, and I want to believe that, but my instincts scream that they're wrong. I hope I'm the one that's wrong. I'd like to feel like a big fool after my surgery going "Well now don't you feel like an idiot, getting all worked up over nothing." and want to hide my head in the sand. I'd rather that then be right.
I'll be taking my Netbook with me to the hospital, and hopefully as soon as I'm able to, I'll get out an email or a post here... something, so I can let folks know how I'm doing. I don't make any promises, but I'll try.
Just know that alot of you mean so much to me; your friendship, your caring, your compassion. I'll be thinking of you all when I walk through those doors Wednesday morning. Trying to be strong and brave, and not break down and bawl my eyes out. I love so many of you so much. My family by pain, not by blood.
If I could make one request of everyone here. Please, please, please, remember to show compassion for one another as we are each other's strength. Do not bicker or squabble, look at one another through each other's eyes. Remember that through this medium it is so easy to misunderstand what another means when they say something, and surely no one here ever says anything to try and hurt anyone else. This place is a place of healing, of acceptance and love, of compassion. It needs to be that way, for all of us, whether we've been here forever, or for just a day. This is our safe haven, away from those that look at us in disbeliefe, who don't think our pain is real, who think we're faking it or that we're lazy, who just plain don't understand what we deal with, and don't want to understand. Our safety from the hurtful words of others, a place to ask questions, and vent; to lick our wounds in the comfort of those that have "been there" and "done that".
I love all of you, and hopefully I'll be back soon.
Originally injured 10/26/2007 - Initial diagnosis; Tendonitis
Have seen several specialists; Bone, Muscle, Hand, Neurologist, Chriopractor, Physical Therapist...
Went through a battery of tests, multiple MRI's
11/16/09 finally diagnosed CRPS - Stage 2
Permanently disabled, on Oxycodone and Celexa.
February 2011 successful SCSU trial
May 2011 SCSU implant surgery