Having trouble with guilt

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Monty's Mom
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Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 5/25/2011 11:08 AM (GMT -6)   
Does anyone else have trouble with feeling guilty for not being able to do the things you did before?

How about guilt for not wanting to burden other people with your needs/problems?

My main issue is where we live. When I moved into my mobile home, it was good for a single mother with 2 small boys. Now its so small, and when I was working we had begun to dream about buying a house. When we found out that my CP issues were life-long, I realized that it is my fault that we can no longer afford more than this tiny home. I am trying to make the best of it, but struggling with feeling guilty for having to say no to all the requests for things and activities because of finances.
How do you handle this? What do you do to stop the feelings of guilt and thinking that it is all my fault? I want to give my family the world, not keep them from it.

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Date Joined Jan 2011
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   Posted 5/25/2011 11:37 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Monty's Mom,

I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad, all I can say is there are thousands of people in therapy right now because they think their mom didn't love them, it was more important to have a big house and things and their mom's neglected to give children what they actually need the most LOVE. Doing the best for your children is not buying them everything they want and living in a big house, its loving them unconditionally and being here for them now when they need you. I don't know if this helps but I do not come from a wealthy family we live a real life where bills sometimes just don't get paid. I know where I live there are organizations that help families by giving them free zoo passes and community centre pool passes and things like that don't be too proud to accept the things you can't afford.(((((hugs)))))
Take care
Take care

Insulin Dependant Diabetic, Fibromyalgia, Gerd, IBS, Sleep Apnea, COPD, Spondylolistesis, Diabetic Neuropathy, Fatty Liver, High Cholesterol

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Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 3557
   Posted 5/25/2011 12:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Rose...what a great post!!!

Absolutely true...it's all about love, compassion, joy, and laughter with your kids...Those things they will remember for the rest of their lives...

The whole country is going through a rough time financially...and yes...it's even harder on those of us with CP and not being able to work the jobs that we would normally...

But CP will never take away our love for our kids, family, or friends...

Teaching your kids to be kind to others...learning about CP and helping them have empathy towards those that are hurt or suffering....doing things like going for a walk...playing a board game...or reading them a good night story...

Just spending TIME with them...whether it's eating a cheap spaghetti dinner on paper plates...they won't care...they will remember you asking them about their day...laughing over a joke they tell...and hugging them and telling them you love them every chance you get..

Don't feel guilty about anything...your kids just need your love and guidance...not 'things'....

Try taking them to a homeless shelter to see those that have even less than you all if they think they are missing out...

And as Rose mentioned...there are hundreds of things to do that are free to enjoy as a family..

Show them strength through adversity...Love through pain...
SB and "the pup who snores loudly" 
ACDF C5-C7, (no hardware), with autograft bone Nov. 2001
(reabsorption of bone 2 years later...still lost in body..expect to burp it out at anytime..haha")) 
ACDF with hardware, allograft bone Nov. 2005 
Anterior and Posterior CDF, allograft bone with BMP, removal of old hardware, use of titanium plates, rods, screws, & kitchen sink (lol) Oct 2006

SE Sis
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Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 5/25/2011 2:02 PM (GMT -6)   
I have guilt also.  But I don't have kids at home anymore....my guilt is that my poor husband has to work full-time, clean our house, get the groceries, do the laundry, etc...  That makes me feel so guilty. I use to do all that stuff and now he has to do it...and our dreams of traveling, etc., are gone.  He is not resentful of me at all, but I still feel so guilty.  I don't know what to do to have a healthy perspective of our situation.  mad
SE Sis
S1, L4-5, L3-4 Fusions, Rods & Screws inserted, bone chipped out for room for nerves. (May 10, 2010)
Right Hip Surgery to fix damage from Physical Therapy for my back. (2006)
Anxiety/Panic Attacks (started 2005)

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Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 3193
   Posted 5/25/2011 3:20 PM (GMT -6)   
I do understand what you are saying - and have my moments, too, w/ issues of guilt... so I do empathize w/ how you feel.
But the comments here were wonderful - and so true.  Lots of wonderful words of wisdom....  That's why I love this board so much.
Everytime I work myself in a bad place - such as the house, something I can't do, etc.... the quote I tell myself (over and over and, again over) :) is the "One hundred years from now... it won't matter what kind of car I drove, what kind of house I lived in, how much was in my bank account or what my clothes looked like... but the world may be a little better because I was important in the life of a child".  This is my coping mechanism....the kids aren't going to remember most of the things we stress so much about.  They are going to remember the love... that we worked hard for them and did our best, even despite huge obstacles.
Hugs, Tina

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   Posted 5/25/2011 9:07 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Mindy and SEs Sis

We lived in a three bedroom mobile home when we were growing up. It was my mom, dad, me and my sister. 1 bathroom to share. What I remember the most is the love that my mom gave us, the things we did together, etc. Not the size of our home.

I have a hard time with my husband having to do everything that I used to do. I find myself crying about it at times. He comes to me , hugs me up, and says "don't worry about it" " it's ok" etc. Just know you're not alone. I think alot of us ladies go thru the same thing.

You two take good care.

love and soft hugs
Dx: osteoarthritis, bursitis in left hip, Osteoarthrits in right hip, compression fracture in thoracic spine due to falling on frozen ground March 2001 , ddd, spinal stenosis, bone spurs, osteoarthritis in spine, osteoarthritis in both knees
Meds: Fentanyl patch, oxycodone, otc: BenGay, Tylenol Arthritis on occasion

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Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 5/25/2011 9:29 PM (GMT -6)   
It's what you do with your kids, love is what they'll remember...
Leave the guilt outside and share your love inside...
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...

Monty's Mom
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Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 5/26/2011 8:31 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you ladies for sharing your thoughts and reminding me that spending time with family is much more important than things.
I think most of my guilt comes from the things I can't do for them anymore, along with knowing our little home is full and has precious little privacy, not so much from not giving them lots of things.

Love grows best in little houses....I know that is true. My tiny kitchen is always warm on a cold day, full of food, love, tea and hot chocolate for all the kids that come to play, not just my boys. So I see that better when I focus on that.
Tina, Thank you for that perspective about touching lives and not things. It helps to refocus on what really matters.
SE Sis, Getting to focus on the love that your husband shows you by performing all the things that you used to do can be difficult. I am finding that some days the guilt can be overwhelming, and I must feel it to work through it and move on. The key is to move on.
No I can't clean my house the way I used to, but I am blessed to have many hands to help, my fiance, my sons, and myself. No I can't drive, grocery shop alone, mow, (I could go through a huge list), but that does not mean that I am worthless. There are people who love me and help because they want to. Showing them love in the ways that I can is more important than who cleaned what or how perfect everything is.

Thank you all for helping me see this better today.

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Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 816
   Posted 5/26/2011 9:29 AM (GMT -6)   
I am a little  late to respond, but Montysmom, First things first, its not and never was your fault that you are a cp patient.  In the beginning of the journey into the nightmare of cp, guilt, unfortunetly is very difficult to overcome, when I became totally disabled, I still had two girls in high school, one graduated in 2000, my youngest graduated in 2003.
The guilt and overall feeling of worthlessness is dibilitating.   I had to leave my youngest with very close friends, because we had been evicted from our apartment.  My oldest daughter, after graduation told me she was pregnant, I asked her what she wanted to do, and whatever she decided I had her back.  I have a 9 year old grandaughter, and a 5 year old grandson.  They are both my oldest daughters.
My youngest went through 10th, 11th, and 12th grade without living with me.  I will never be able to pay back, either with money or thankfulness, for what the people she lived with did for her during that time.  Because of them, she went to her prom looking like the princess she is.  If that wasnt enough guilt, well I dont want to know.
But I realized then that we all have to work together to help each other thru life.  After that, I knew my way in life was to help others in there journey.  These people never asked for money, and would not take the little I had to offer.
This forum is like that, we help each other in ways others cant, they have not walked in our shoes, and hopefully never will.  So rather than let guilt eat me up, I volunteer, post on this forum, believe me it still creeps up on me now and then, but I continue to beat it down, and so should you.  You did not ask for this no one would, but its what we deal with every day 24 hours a day.  Keep your head up.
Good luck hope you are having a low pain day and many more.
degenerative disc disease, fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, neuropathy, lumbar laminectomy july 1998 no help, rechargeable neurostimulator unit low right back w/lead wires to left side and right leg unit not working just sitting there.i am 57 years young in may will turn 58. i have 2 grown daughters, 25 and 29. i have 2 grandchildren, 9 year old grandaughter and 5 yr. old grandson

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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 16792
   Posted 5/26/2011 10:57 AM (GMT -6)   
After reading everyones post on this subject one thing that is very clear, life is not about the material things, sure we all like them and want them, but those things are not what really makes us happy. If you had a bigger house, you would want a smaller house because a big one is too much to try and keep up with. I say this and its very true because our house is way too big for two people and I cannot physically keep up with a big house.

There is a lot of things out there like someone else pointed out that is free to families. One of my favorites things to do with my grown kids and grandson is to go to the park and cook out. Its free and costs no one money, we take food to cook on the grill because we are going to eat whether its cooked at home or at the park. That is one time when everyone is together and doing things together without money being an issue.

Guilt is another stepping stone associated with the journey of living with CP. But rather than let it beat you down, you step on it and keep on going with your head held high. None of us asked to have CP enter our lives, its not what any of us ever imagined would happen to us either. Just keep on living the best you can and remember more than anything love means much more to a person than anything you could go buy. Your boys are lucky to have you for a mom MM.
Moderator Chronic Pain Forum

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Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 816
   Posted 5/26/2011 12:20 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello again Montysmom, I posted a little while concerning guilt.  I actually wanted to tell you the quote you posted by George Bernard Shaw, was great, I love it, and how true it is.  Thank you for sharing that, it speaks volumes
Again, good luck to you, push that guilt away, life is hard enough without beating ourselves up for something we never wanted to begin with.
Hope you are having a low pain day, and many many more to come.
degenerative disc disease, fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, neuropathy, lumbar laminectomy july 1998 no help, rechargeable neurostimulator unit low right back w/lead wires to left side and right leg unit not working just sitting there.i am 57 years young in may will turn 58. i have 2 grown daughters, 25 and 29. i have 2 grandchildren, 9 year old grandaughter and 5 yr. old grandson
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