OT but not a helper on pain relief!

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Monty's Mom
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Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 6/15/2011 9:11 AM (GMT -6)   
My youngest has hit puberty at 12. I am ready to deal with the mood swings, the silent treatment, but not the mouth! My fiance and I were thinking that since my oldest is 13 he would be the first to go through this, but no. My youngest who has always wanted to do something first has now begun having the cracking voice, mood swings and hours of silence well before his older brother.

His mouth gets him in trouble. He always has something mean to say! According to him, I do nothing but sit on my behind all day on the computer talking to friends, while he and his brother work their fingers to the bone. I only had children to clean the house. The reality is that yes I do spend much of my time on my back or reclining and typing my transcriptions for school which will lead to work. I cook, do dishes, wash clothes and pay bills. I contribute, but not to the strenuous things I used to do. To prove this point I mowed with them yesterday. We have an old-fashioned reel mower with the blades and foot power. I am paying for it. At one point they each took compassion on me and took over the mowing so I could wash their clothes and get back to school work.

I knew having teenagers was going to be difficult. I don't know how to balance the mouth, the meanness, with not feeling guilty for all the things I can no longer do for them. They are old enough to have responsibilities around the house, especially for their things like rooms and clothes. We had traded the laundry jobs with a more difficult task for me with their suggestion and approval. I guess it is time to switch it back. It just drives me nuts to watch them sit and watch TV or do nothing while I cause myself pain doing something we could all chip away at.

Disrespect drives me nuts. Standing my ground without getting angry is hard. "Whatever" has to be the most aggravating response I have ever heard! I will not be treated like nothing because I don't clean my whole house by myself any longer. They live here too.

Does anyone who has survived teenage boys have any advice?

Screaming Eagle
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Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 5005
   Posted 6/15/2011 9:37 AM (GMT -6)   
 
 
 
           Raising childern is not eaay, and they are all different. Disrespect is learned at an early age, either from a parent or school peers. I won't allow it, and have Zero tolerance for it! Period!
 
     Most everything they have and do is a privlidge, and those can be taken away at anytime. (cell phone, computer, TV, home phone, friends over to play,...way too many to list)... I cant stand children who take advantage of a sick parent either.... that is the worst.
 
 When they say you are sitting on your behind all day...that is a complaint you must have brought up in conversation when they are around...and they know it bothers you....so they atack your weakness. ..to hurt you....abuse starts with words...and may grow into something more...if not addressed.
 
     If it is not dealt with soon then they will carry this right into adulthood and into a marriage. I would suggest family counsling. Those of us who suffer many forms of CP are at a disadvantage when raising children, as we dont have the strength to cope with some of these issues.
 
     It's also important for both parents to be on the same page when dealing with this.
 
       SE
Moderator Chronic Pain Forum

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"Snowflakes are one of nature's most fragile things, but just look at what they can do when they stick together"

Monty's Mom
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Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 6/16/2011 3:27 PM (GMT -6)   
SE,
Thanks for commenting. I have begun the boys in counseling both alone and as a family. We begin meeting in 2 weeks. They both ask why this is necessary and complain, but they have no choice. My fiance and I sat down with them and talked about respect. We took the time to define what it means, what it is, and how to apply it to life. The boys both also had to write how they disrespected me, each other, and the home they live in yesterday. It was eye opening.

You are right, they did overhear me say that I feel guilty for not cleaning everything as I could before. The little man is manipulating me! When brought to his attention he denies doing it, but has conceded that he could be doing it subconsciously to get what he wants. We plan on working on that.

I won't take disrespect and my fiance explained our stance on this behavior. Part of the problem is their father is not in the picture and when he is, constantly reminds them that he feels I am a ridiculous woman that they don't have to listen to. I gently remind them that this ridiculous woman has taken care of their needs and wants for years without their father helping, and if they feel that he would be a better parent for them then they are welcome to discuss with their father, myself and fiance their living arrangements. That usually makes them stop. They like living with us, just are testing boundaries I guess.

They both understand now the tie to verbal abuse that their words have and are going to try to choose their words more wisely. I am not holding my breath for a quick fix. Its all a learning process.

I did stick to my guns and make a chore chart so that we all pick and choose what jobs we do, mine based on ability for that day. They are required to choose and do their chores or no privileges for the day, no room for argument. Until they are complete, no TV, no games, no anything. Their other option was to get paid for their jobs and have to pay for each ride, each meal, each trip to get something, and their own clothes and food. They didn't like that option, but it was to show them that living is not free and my fiance works hard for us to have a home.

I hate being a hard person, but I also hate being manipulated. Thank God that I got us out of a family situation that taught the boys they did not need to respect me. My extended family doesn't treat me with respect. This would be the consequences of allowing that to happen for so many years. It feels good to stand up for myself.
Thanks SE. Today was a better day. Each day will be different, but my back bone is back and keeping me upright! LOL

Screaming Eagle
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Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 5005
   Posted 6/16/2011 4:42 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello Mom!

Hey!...sounds like you have a good plan in place there. Stick to your guns and be consistent....but in all....back it with love. Praise when they deserve it...as it's an important part of the equation.

You know where to reach me if you would like to visit more. wink

Take care!

SE
Moderator Chronic Pain Forum

Weekly Quote!

"Snowflakes are one of nature's most fragile things, but just look at what they can do when they stick together"

Blessedx8
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Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 3193
   Posted 6/16/2011 6:59 PM (GMT -6)   
Mindy...

Glad today has been a better day.

I've got four boys in the teenage years (or pretty close)- 16, 15, 13 and 12.
 
SE pretty much covered everything :)  I have zero tolerance policy, too, for lack of respect and so forth.  I won't put up with "back talk"; bad attitudes; and so forth. 
 
Having consistency is important.  Counseling is great to get on the same page.  I would try to let the feelings of guilt go.  Life isn't straight and narrow for anyone.... and your kids are clothed, with a roof over their head, food in their bellies - and loved.  Tons of kids in the world have life a whole lot harder. 
 
Hang in there, Mindy!  --Tina

Monty's Mom
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Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 6/16/2011 10:08 PM (GMT -6)   
SE, I think praise is the most important part of respect. It shows appreciation for actions. They earn back privileges with good deeds. Consistency is the hard part!

Tina, Thank you. Its good to hear others that think that good parenting is not just providing the roof and clothes, but love too! It is hard for me to keep my chin up some days, and now I know they will push boundaries and test waters, it is time for me to show them my faith and put my guilt aside when with them.

I did sit them down again and explain how I have an illness just like someone with a heart condition or visible illness. They sometimes feel that since I don't carry an oxygen tank or look ill that I should be able to do what every other mom does. I keep reminding them I am not every other mother, I am their mother who loves them enough to teach them how to be respectful, happy, and functioning adults who can care for themselves!

Its going to be another sleepless night.
The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them. That's the essence of inhumanity. George Bernard Shaw

Pelvic adhesive disease, Irritable bowel syndrome, SI joint pain, arthritis, kidney stones, depression, 9 pelvic surgeries for pain, ovarian cysts, adhesions. Fentanyl patch, Vicodin, remeron, trazodone, dicyclomine, Miralax, Colace, Multivitamin.
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