Can I keep my mouth shut? Vent

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Monty's Mom
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Date Joined Aug 2010
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   Posted 7/3/2011 1:28 AM (GMT -6)   
Family times are coming up, 4th of July picnics, birthdays, our wedding. As many of you who have been through family events understand, everyone has an opinion on how you should do things for parties and weddings. There are many times I have included extended family in events that I would never have willingly invited to keep the peace. People I haven't spoken to for years through no lack of calling or writing on my own part, for instance.

Tomorrow is a family event. I dread going. The ride and the pain that causes, keeping the food cold, listening to the family gossip, trying to keep the attention grabbing people from talking so loudly I end up with a headache as they try to drown each other out from across a table. Joy of joys, its family time! Can you feel the sarcasm?

I don't know how I am going to keep my mouth shut. My pain levels are through the roof, but we must go because I cause the family to miss out on too much already with my health issues. Others' words, not the words of my fiance or sons. The dread of hearing all the wedding questions is keeping me from sleeping. I have pulled out, dusted off, and polished these words to a shine, "We are just happy to be getting married." Its always questions about what hairstyle, nail color, what colors did we pick, what are the bridesmaids wearing, why didn't you include so-and-so, or how are you handling things? It isn't like they mean well either! It always comes back to me that people think I am unprepared, have cheap and classless ideas, or that my fiance's wedding will be a shambles because the strain is taking its toll.

Is it wrong that I don't care if the napkins match the bridesmaids' dresses, or the men will all be wearing different style shoes? Why is it poor planning on my part that I simply want the maids to wear silver shoes of any style and have their hair up, but in a way that they feel beautiful in? No, its not. My priority is on having a lovely ceremony and celebration of marriage, not on color matching, micro-managing and stressing out over the little stuff.

But seriously, some family really need to back off because I just don't think I can behave tomorrow. My pain is too high to listen to people telling me all their demands for our wedding. If I want an opinion, I will ask for it respectfully, listen, and weigh what we want to do.

Sadly, when my mouth takes over I don't always say things in the nicest way. Is there a nice way to say "I really don't give a rat's but-to-tie what your opinion is, but thank you for wasting 30 minutes of my life?

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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 16758
   Posted 7/3/2011 3:22 AM (GMT -6)   
MM, first off, how does your fiance and sons feel about going to this outing tomorrow? I say if they are not overjoyed at the idea of going why don't you as a family do something that you all like. It is not written in stone that you have to attend these family gatherings. Life is just too short to keep up appearances that are troubling and carry such a negative impact on you and your immediate family, meaning your sons and fiance. I simply would not go and subject myself to that kind of misery. So what if they talk about you behind your back, from what you have told us they do that anyway, they don't need a holiday outing to do that, so whats the difference.

Unless there are truly people going to be there that you want to see and you have a way of avoiding the distasteful ones, I would make other plans. Would I use my health as an excuse for not showing absolutely not, I would just say we had other plans if it were brought up.

I spent too many years wasting my time on family like that and they were not worth it.
Moderator Chronic Pain Forum

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Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 856
   Posted 7/3/2011 6:29 AM (GMT -6)   
First, I want to say that I look back on all of the planning that I did for my wedding, and I WISH now that I would have had a smaller, simpler wedding. It is a day for you and for your husband to be to enjoy. It's for you to celebrate. You should do what makes you happy! I ended up being so stressed out about my wedding, primarily because it was so incredibly important to my dad....he wanted it to be perfect. I wish now that I would have had a little ceremony, with much less stress and planning!

Also, I want to add that I totally agree with Straydog. If you're going to end up being upset, and not enjoy yourself, I don't think that you should go! It's not worth the stress for you. It will probably end up making your pain levels even higher.

Is there a way that you can back out of it?



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Date Joined Mar 2011
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   Posted 7/3/2011 9:56 AM (GMT -6)   
Guess what Montysmom, I also agree with all those who have posted before me.  I long ago stopped wasting my time on family members who have nothing better to do than judge me.  They can all kiss my well you know.
One of these family members is my brother, he and I have never gotten along.  He is the youngest of the three of us, my sister (who I love and respect dearly) is the oldest, and then there is me with a raging case of middle child syndrome.  As far as my mother is concerned my brother could do no wrong, myself on the other hand, according to my mother, could do no right.
I had to teach myself not to care what either of them thought.  Until the day my mother passed away she thought I was a hypocondriac, that there was nothing wrong with my back that some hard work could not cure.
Sorry, I didnt mean to ramble on about me when its you that has the immediate problem.  So back to what I said before, they can kiss off. (I dont know if thats allowed or not, if not sorry).  I am not sure who said it, but you, your husband to be and your son are your family, they are the only ones whose opinion you should care about, if they dont care about going, dont go.  You owe no one else and explanation about why you are not there. 
If they truly care about you, they would not want you to make a trip that is going to cause you alot more pain then you already have.  For the ones who dont understand that, well what have you lost?  Not a thing.  Be strong, be honest with yourself, do you really need them in your life?  Probably not.
Good luck to you, hope you are having a low pain day, and many days to come.  I am also sending you very gentle hugs, your cp family knows what you go thru.
degenerative disc disease, fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, neuropathy, lumbar laminectomy july 1998 no help, rechargeable neurostimulator unit low right back w/lead wires to left side and right leg unit not working just sitting there.i am 57 years young in may will turn 58. i have 2 grown daughters, 25 and 29. i have 2 grandchildren, 9 year old grandaughter and 5 yr. old grandson

Monty's Mom
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Date Joined Aug 2010
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   Posted 7/3/2011 12:10 PM (GMT -6)   
I love the support I get here! We just got back from church and fiance has me resting until we leave. I showed him your posts and he agrees. This time we go simply because I do want to see his father, his nieces, his grandparents. I am not going to let one person with a snotty attitude and nose where it doesn't belong make me miss seeing the people we do love and who love us.

We did agree that we are only going to the gatherings we want to from now on. The not so nice person always wants an explanation, which we usually give that we had other plans. That is when the talking starts. The gossip that 1 person can cause by just being angry that we didn't come is staggering! I got labeled as keeping my fiance from his family on purpose by faking my illness and pain. I have kindly requested many of the family not repeat what they hear about me because its better that I not know.

You are all right. Wasting time with family who really only cares that we come because we are family and not because they enjoy our company is futile. Paula, you have some wonderful ideas there! I am going to steal a few and turn the tables back on the person who is gracing us with their presence.

I want our wedding to be laid back, simple, small (under 100), and full of love and family. I don't care about napkins or shoes, hairstyles or what makeup. I just want people there who love us and wish us well. We are spending extra to keep it low key so none of us or our guests is stuck setting up, clearing up, or directing. The whole thing is designed simply for a reason. Personally, I am proud that I am not a dictating bride telling everyone what to do and making them help. What is wrong with wanting people to come happy, rejoice with us, eat and dance? Nothing more than sharing a great time with us. Why is that so hard? Why is there always someone who is never happy?

I am beginning to think that this person is jealous of me for some reason, maybe the wedding, maybe how much respect my family shares, or the way we are a great team. It could be that I am more easily pleased than them or even that my lack of dictating to others makes me a bad person in their eyes?

I took the advice and stopped caring. There is no point in wasting my time with an unhappy person trying to make me miserable. We will go and see the family we love and get love from in return, and laugh off the other person trying to bring me down.

If she says anything about all brides wanting to lose weight and its great that I am happy being fat again, I will call attention to her instead of just taking it. Maybe embarrassing her by showing others how she treats me will stop it. Either way, we are off for a bit to see nieces and grandparents.

Thank you for helping me get my self esteem back! I will let you know how it goes!

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Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 5028
   Posted 7/3/2011 1:01 PM (GMT -6)   
I can't believe you took time out of your hectic day for us. I feel SO honored!!
I'm delighted with the details fo the hair and the shoes, things I would never have thought of. It's like being part of your real family, but the LIKED part.
Thanks so much.

Now go and REALLY relax! Love and congratulations.

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Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 1522
   Posted 7/3/2011 2:14 PM (GMT -6)   
I've never understood the crazy details people obsess about when planning a wedding. It's your wedding, you and your fiance should do what you want. Have fun and be comfortable so you can enjoy yourself.

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Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 2265
   Posted 7/3/2011 8:28 PM (GMT -6)   
I agree with everyone else. My husband and I had a small wedding of family and a couple of friends. We couldn't afford anymore, and it was a wonderful day that we will never forget. We didn't worry about anything but what he and I wanted. So do what you and your fiance' want and forget about what everyone else wants or expects. It's your wedding, not their's.

As far as your trip tomorrow. Do as you said that you're going to do and don't worry about the person that always wants to start trouble. I hope your pain is tolerable so that you can enjoy the family that loves you.

Please do let us know how it goes.

Take care. I hope you're having a low pain evening.

love and hugs
Dx: osteoarthritis, bursitis in left hip, Osteoarthrits in right hip, compression fracture in thoracic spine due to falling on frozen ground March 2001 , ddd, spinal stenosis, bone spurs, osteoarthritis in spine, osteoarthritis in both knees
Meds: Fentanyl patch, oxycodone, otc: BenGay, Tylenol Arthritis on occasion

Monty's Mom
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Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 7/4/2011 9:18 AM (GMT -6)   
We survived! Barely though. At the end we had to make a quick exit because I almost fainted in the kitchen. Thank goodness everyone was already outside. We had a good time with the family we wanted to see. I love that our kids all get along and play well together. Even my sons at 13 and 12 play with the little ones under 5. We laughed about all the funny parts of weddings like when the ring bearer refuses to hand over the rings or a flower girl puts a single petal down as she walks, placing them very carefully only to realize when she gets to the altar that her basket is full and dumps it out. It helped me realize that I am ready. We will look at the good things and not focus on the bad.

Also there was drama last week that helped keep the focus off of us. I was proud of my fiance and his very diplomatic handling of what could have ended in a fight. I never saw before how much his family looks to him for a level head and steady hand. It helped me see that we view our role in our family in one light when it could be something totally different than how we view it. They come to him for help with all things mechanical or broken and for help during rough emotional times when advice is needed. Some may not enjoy his dry humor and sarcastic wit, but many of us do.

This ends all family events until after the wedding. His mother announced very loudly at the goodbyes that we should take this time to rest and prepare for our day. Both of them are planning to have us come for dinner several times before the wedding but without the siblings and extended family. My fiance never at any time told them we had to leave because of my pain, just that we had other plans but were glad we could come for the time we had. His father came in first to make sure I was ok to get home. He must have guessed my pain had spiked and offered us the use of his van to get home instead of our tiny car. Now I know where Tim gets his compassion, his parents.
Still, much better than I had worried over and now we are free until October. Thank you for the support. My fiance and I both decided to limit our visits drastically in the future. He understands that the quality of the visit is what counts, not the quantity of them.
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