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Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 200
   Posted 7/5/2011 3:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Today it hit me that this is real, I hadn't let myself have time to think about it or accept that I have cancer, the words didn't seem real but today

I was sitting in the doctor and it was taking a long time for the nurse to come give me my injections, a doctor who I have seen before but don't know came out and talked to me, and I told her why I was there and what was wrong, after telling me how hard it can be but how strong and determined I seem.. She asked me if I had spoken to anyone about organ donation or signed the forms.. I didn't know how to react, I just shut her off.. I don't know if she was trying to completely discourage me or just felt strongly that I should do it... Whatever she was trying to do made me scared and feel sick.. But that made me realise it will be hard to get through this..

We have moved my next chemo treatment forward because I found a lump in my arm which is a tumor, and I have been getting really disoriented and just getting weaker and losing my strength.. So they want to start sooner, which means I have to stop the treatment for the infections sooner.

I'm not really sure why I'm posting, I'm just scared and confused and I guess in need of support and prayers, I know I'm pushing myself to hard and need to stop but I feel like if I stop I will never get back up again, I didn't let myself go to sleep the other night because I felt like I wouldn't wake up again. I'm scared and losing my strength :(

Sorry for being such a baby, I will get through this, I promised you all didn't I?!

Love always xo

White Beard
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 3696
   Posted 7/5/2011 4:22 PM (GMT -6)   
You are not being a baby! So Please don't ever think you are! You can always come to your family here and vent your anger, or explain your fears, it is scary and your reaction to all this is completely normal! But I think I said this to you along time ago, when the going gets tough the tough get going, and your tough and strong maybe not so much on the outside right now but on the inside! You  have a long rough road ahead of you, and it will be frightening for you at times, but you can do this! You have to always believe that you can conquer this thing called cancer! No matter how bad it gets keep your faith, God is with you always!
You need to get lots of rest and sleep to stay strong, I know your afraid, but you can do this, and you have to have your sleep so your body can get stronger and you can fight this off.  I will keep you in my prayers buttercup!  Always know that your family here gives you all the support and prayer that we can! We are always here to listen, so know that you are not alone!
May Gods Peace be always with you buttercup!
White Beard
Moderator Chronic Pain
After spending nearly 22 1/2 years in the USAF, I retired in Sept, 1991. I then went back to school and became a licensed RN in 1994, and I worked on Oncology and then a Med Surg Unit, I became disabled in late 1999 and was approved SSD in early 2002!-- DDD, With herniated Disk at T-12 and L4-5. C5-C6 ACDF in Sep 2009, C6-C7 ACDF in Mar 1985, Osteoarthritis, Ulcerative colitis, Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Complex Sleep Apnea, and host of other things to spice up my life!(NOT!) Medications:Oxycontin, Percocet, Baclofen, Sulfasalazine, Metoprolol, Folic Acid, Supplemental O2 at 3lpm with VPAP Adapt SV I am White Beard with a White Beard!

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 373
   Posted 7/5/2011 4:53 PM (GMT -6)   
Oh boy buttercup..I am sorry things have been so hard for you. You are young and you can beat this! Your healing well family is here for you... always. I will be thinking of you and have you in my prayers.

Crohns dx,Pelvic Floor Tension,Pelvic Adhesive dx,Interstitial Cystitis,Ileostomy,Severe Scoliosis,Chronic Pain,Arthritis,BP1,Anxiety/Panic attacks,Several reconstructive surgeries..

Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 7/5/2011 4:55 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Buttercup
Just wanted to wish you all the best. Your going through alot and your certainly not being a baby about it. I don't believe there is anyone who goes through these things without being scared. As White Beard said you have the whole family here wishing you well and praying for you. Another saying I've heard and believe to be true is ..when your down to nothing...the Lord is up to something so hang in there. Although it may be hard at times to sleep when your mind is racing, it's so very important to let your body rest and gather the strength it needs. I wish you all the best and will pray that God gives you the strength and courage and peace of mind to continue to fight and come out on top. Please don't ever feel like your being a baby about coming here and posting. There are so many here ready and willing to support you and after all , isn't that what this place is for. All my best Buttercup. Hang in there and stay strong. .Stingray(Randy)
Chronic Back Pain, Anxiety, A little Depression
Meds: Oxycodone, Oxycontin, Clonazapam

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 36
   Posted 7/5/2011 5:38 PM (GMT -6)   
I will be in prayer for you. I have just found this group today for the very reason you wrote about - not wanting to be a whiner and feeling as though my family is getting tired of hearing about my pain each day. Reading about your visit made me think the opposite of you being a "baby". You sound like a very strong person who is going through some serious issues. That is worthy of needing to express yourself for sure.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 7/5/2011 6:41 PM (GMT -6)   
I think once you get over the shock of truly realizing what you are facing you actually have a better chance than ever of beating it.

While it is possible to beat an enemy without knowing it, the better you know your enemy the easier it is to defeat it.

Sure you knew the technical aspects about your cancer, but until today it was all abstract to you. It didn't really mean anything to you on a truly personal level. That has changed now and as you put it so well it is now real to you and seeing it as a real thing in your life you can now marshal your strength and truly fight it.

Finally crying, yelling, getting angry and letting it out once in a while does not make you a baby. It does not mean you are weak. In fact it can often mean just the opposite so long as you do not give up and keeping everything bottled up and putting on a "brave" front takes a lot of energy and that energy is better served in beating your cancer. So let it out, cry when you need to, go yell at a tree, have an argument with a rock, do what you need to do to get rid of your negative feelings and keep venting them as needed in a healthy manner.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.

Betsey Ross
Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 1056
   Posted 7/5/2011 7:20 PM (GMT -6)   

You are in my are young and strong

Keep the faith

crushed lower knee and vertical fx of yibia/external fixator placed/plates and screws and tried to place big pieces of cartiledge under knee cap/tremendous pain in affected legcontinously without improving/allergic to metal in left leg/leg isnt straight/need metal removed in July/wait 6 months for healing/then toatal knee replacement/straighten out leg/more phsyxical therapy/take opana er

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 3557
   Posted 7/5/2011 7:27 PM (GMT -6)   
Buttercup...I am sending you some really big hugs tonight (( ))

I'm sure it was a really hard day today...and you've been so busy with school and everything the last few weeks that you have been on this huge rollercoaster with being in the ICU and a coma less than a month ago!...

It's all up to God and hope that you have faith as well as all your family and friends to help you through this...

Two of my best friends...both husband and wife are both in remission from fighting different cancers...One is breast and one is thyroid that had spread to his liver and neck...They went through radiation and chemo over the last year and are both doing so well!...

All you can do is keep fighting and taking things one day at a time...

I do agree with WhiteBeard that you really need to start being more careful about conserving energy when you can...I know many of us have tried to get you to take a break with school...(thankfully it's summer now)...but you have to be putting your health first...

And I know it sounds so scary...but just fyi that even those of us who have driver's licenses decide at that time whether to be an organ donor or that doesn't mean anything to do with your prognosis!....As well as whenever I've had surgeries they always ask me this and I say I'm already signed try not to let that nurse get to you with that...

We are here for you I will say some prayers that you can rest up before your next chemo treatment...

I would write on a HUGE sticky fact make a bunch of them to place around your house and on your bathroom mirror...that "I am STRONG"..."I will beat this"...and "Cancer Sucks!!!"....

You aren't weak at all...this will be a big fight...but it's been done before and you can do it:)
SB and "the pup who snores loudly" 
ACDF C5-C7, (no hardware), with autograft bone Nov. 2001
(reabsorption of bone 2 years later...still lost in body..expect to burp it out at anytime..haha")) 
ACDF with hardware, allograft bone Nov. 2005 
Anterior and Posterior CDF, allograft bone with BMP, removal of old hardware, use of titanium plates, rods, screws, & kitchen sink (lol) Oct 2006

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 374
   Posted 7/5/2011 8:47 PM (GMT -6)   
Same as everyone else, here. Just wanted to say that I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis, but that I'm sure you can beat it. Cancer has really affected my family, and taken far too many people from me--but so far I haven't had any signs of it for myself. It is something that really scares me sometimes, though, so I guess that would make me an even bigger 'baby' than you! I can't imagine how I'd react given the same circumstances, but I think you've done some good things. You've acknowledged the 'problem', and you're reaching out to people and getting active in it. Those are both good things, not something a baby does. :)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 1289
   Posted 7/5/2011 9:57 PM (GMT -6)   
baby????  are you kidding?  :)
i'm praying for you- stay strong!

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 2261
   Posted 7/5/2011 11:23 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Buttercup I agree with what the others have said. You're fighting cancer, and you're being strong, and a baby could never do that. I'm sorry that they are moving the chemo up, but you did it the last time, you can do it this time too.

You take care and get all the rest you can, so that you can keep your strength up. You're a strong young lady. I don't know how I would react if I were in your shoes, and I;'m much older than you are. I know it's scary, but your healing well family is right here by your side.

Don't ever feel bad for posting. That's what we are here for. It's better to get it out than to keep it bottled up inside.

We are always here for yo, and praying for you sweetheart. You rest up as much as you can, ok? Let us know when you start chemo, so we can be here for you. I hope you're having a low pain night.

love and lots of hugs
Dx: osteoarthritis, bursitis in left hip, Osteoarthrits in right hip, compression fracture in thoracic spine due to falling on frozen ground March 2001 , ddd, spinal stenosis, bone spurs, osteoarthritis in spine, osteoarthritis in both knees
Meds: Fentanyl patch, oxycodone, otc: BenGay, Tylenol Arthritis on occasion

Screaming Eagle
Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 5005
   Posted 7/6/2011 12:37 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey Buttercup! just hang in there...and we will keep you in our prayers! You little ones...can make it through this!

Maybe I will catch you in chat again while your getting the treatment....that should put a smile on your face. smilewinkgrin

Take care spunky!

SE wink
Moderator Chronic Pain Forum

Weekly Quote!

"Snowflakes are one of nature's most fragile things, but just look at what they can do when they stick together"

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 636
   Posted 7/6/2011 10:10 AM (GMT -6)   
Dont every appoligize for anything hun. You are a super strong young woman that touch the lives of people every day. I laid in my bed the other night having a pitty party for myself and told my husband about you and he has visually upset by everything I explained to him. He suggests that you write a book. Something to help all teens, young adults (and us wimpy adults) to understand your struggle and give people positive hope. You are the most positive, realistic, compassionate young lady I have EVER met. Keep fighting dear!

Now, What that new dr did to you wasnt exactly fair considering you were alone and had no relationship with the person. I wish she would have handled thing differently. Anyone want to travel down to AU and give her a piece of our minds on bedside manner?

Keep your head up high! We all love you very much and are praying for you every day!

DX: CRPS/RSD full body, Fibro, CP, DDD, DJD, OSA, Syringomyelia, Arachnoiditis, failed fusion. Fusions C5-6, L5-S1, hardware removal and removal of scar tissue. SCS trial successful awaiting placement.
MEDS:To many to mention, changes every week it seems.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2024
   Posted 7/6/2011 10:26 AM (GMT -6)   


    Hang in there girlie!! Just do one day at a time ok. You can do this!!


Love you


Heather Lynn
Regular Member

Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 283
   Posted 7/6/2011 10:42 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi buttercup, we haven't "met" yet, but I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. Cancer can be really, really scary, and it's okay if you let yourself feel that sometimes. Jim1969 said everything I was thinking. It's okay to let yourself be scared and feel overwhelmed. We will be strong for you at times you need to "baby" yourself. Be nice to yourself - you don't have to be up for the "battle" all the time.
Fibromyalgia, low back pain/SI joint dysfunction, anxiety, obstructive sleep apnea, endometriosis, asthma

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 7/6/2011 9:25 PM (GMT -6)   
you, young lady are one of the strongest person's I've ever known and I'm blessed to consider you
a good friend...keep going the way you are, you deserve to vent and I want you to know I care
about you and will continue the Prayers for you..we are here whenever you need to vent, cry
or rant, we care about you, a whole lot....Please keep us in the loop about what's
going on with you....well wishes, prayers and healing hugz to you...
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 256
   Posted 7/7/2011 11:35 AM (GMT -6)   

Sorry to hear that Buttercup..... you will find out just how strong you are!
Positive vibes for you!

C3 through C7 right open door laminoplasty, C2 through C10 hemilaminectomies, C2 through C7 right forminotomy, and left C5 through C7 foraminotomies, C3-C5 structural rib allograft and local vertebral autograft & C7 with the same allograft & local verterbral autograft & Vertex instrumentation C3-C5

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 87
   Posted 7/7/2011 12:28 PM (GMT -6)   
My sweet little Buttercup

You are not being a baby lovie, you have had to grow up so quickly to help you to be so strong and to enable you to cope with what you have and are going through. You are a fantastic young lady and I am so proud of you. I send you lots of gentle ((((((((hugs))))))))) sweetie and I will keep you in my prayers each and every day. You mean a lot to us and we will always be here for you lovie.

Lots of love

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