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Monty's Mom
Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 7/18/2011 9:47 AM (GMT -6)   
People never cease to surprise me with their assumption that my business is their business.

A church goer came to us yesterday, sat down in front of me, and asked where my mother has been. I no longer have contact with my family for various reasons that really are not her business. When I told her that I do not know where my mother is, that we both do not have contact, she just stared at me for about 5 minutes. This was then followed by, "why are you wearing that patch?" and "What is it for?"

I was stunned. How is this any of her business? I simply said medication. Her reply, "For what?" Again, stunned silence for a bit, then I explained I have endometriosis and other issues that require medication. "I am sorry. Which ones?" We simply stood up, said our goodbyes politely, then left.

Also there are always issues with planning a wedding of unrequested advice, being told who to invite, and told how to do things or else they won't attend. I want to scream from the mountain tops that no one's presence is required at my wedding! If you don't like what you think we will do, then do not grace us with your presence! Its not that hard! We paid for it, so planning-wise, you have no say! Telling me what to do and giving me an ultimatum is pretty much guaranteeing that I will not be discussing anything wedding related with you even when asked.

I usually am able to turn the rude comments with a quick comment that is polite, but evasive now. With my fog from this pain I am not able to be as quick.
I am all for educating people about chronic pain, but answering detailed questions about my family situation followed by questioning my medications and medical issues smacked of a plot by some people I know for information they do not currently have.

Why can't people just mind their own business! My shirt sleeve was covering most of my patch! She had to be really looking to see it.

Thanks for the vent.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 7/18/2011 9:58 AM (GMT -6)   
Some people are just overly curious...could be she was spying for your mom...
Next time just say "this is between me and my doctor and I just don't want to talk about it"
She should get the hint, sometimes people catch us off guard...

Your handling the wedding really well, good for you on you said your paying for it...
leave it at that...well wishes to you on your doctor appointment, keep us posted on that...

Thinking of you and lots of well wishes...
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...

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Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 3193
   Posted 7/18/2011 10:42 AM (GMT -6)   
I think you handled the situation perfectly.  I'm sorry you had to deal w/ that, though.
It made me remember a situation that happened shortly after the twins were born.  We were @ church....  I have a disability placard (for my heart condition and pain issues) that I try not to use.  But the lot was full.... and it was our first time bringing the girls to church.... AND I was recovering from my 7th c-section and could barely walk.  So we parked in the disability spot w/ my sign clearly displayed.
As we unloaded.... a woman walked by my husband - and in the nastiest voice said - "Since when did having babies make one "disabled"?  I thought my husband was going to explode.  He's like "Ummm, it's not for our babies.... my wife has a serious heart issues.  I wish it was that it was "just for having babies"".  The woman walked away, stunned. 
I, for one, cannot imagine ever saying the above OR what was said to you.  I'm one of those "I'm living my life and you live yours" kind of person.  But I think people are always going to have some level of comments and feel it's their business to do so!

I'm sure this didn't help your stress level, Mindy.  I'm sorry.... :(

Monty's Mom
Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 7/18/2011 12:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Tina, You did help my stress level! I know I am not alone now. That alone helps stress, feeling understood. That woman that made that comment is just a rude person too. There seems to be a plague of rude people who meddle in other peoples business and present their opinions as important.

Chartreux, Thank you for that. She did catch me off guard. I am always the hardest on myself. As for the wedding, we have stopped telling anyone who has told us what to do anything except for when to arrive. Its just not worth the ridicule. Thank you for saying that. I am trying to balance what we want with what is possible with what we are given.

I have to remember we are all different. My boundaries and sense of right and wrong are completely different than another persons.

Why do I feel like only now that I have thrown out most of the twisted teachings of my family, I am really learning what life is like and about respect?

Sorry, this may be a pain-fueled rant or epiphanic moment, I am not sure yet.

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 16796
   Posted 7/18/2011 2:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Mindy some people are just plain old nosey too, lol. I really liked Chart's explanation on the one asking about your patch. I will not discuss my health issues with anyone, I don't think its anyone's business but mine and I sure don't want people knowing I take medication of any kind. You never know who is listening. I know sometimes when we feel bad its hard to think as quick as we normally would, but please remember you owe no one an explanation of any kind on anything including your wedding. Like you said people can either come to the wedding or stay home.

Next time someone asks you a question about any of your family that you are not having a relationship with, just say oh, I don't know, why don't you call him/her and ask them, lol. Put it back on them, lol.

Try not to let any of this get you down or eat you, its just not worth it. Take care.
Moderator Chronic Pain Forum

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 816
   Posted 7/18/2011 3:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello, so sorry you had to go thru that, I never had understood people idea of what they should know or even how to go about asking questions, without the judgement.
I do not look disabled from the outside, I use a cane, but other than  that, people would have to see through me to find the problem.  I take public transportation, more than once someone has been made to get up so I can sit down, as in our transit system, a medicare card is all you need to get a discount or be able to sit in the very few seats in the front.  More than once, someone has mumbled (loud enough for me to hear, but not directly to me) she doesnt look like anything is wrong with her, lose some weight, thats her problem.
First, although I am overweight, I am by no means large enough for that comment, as a matter of fact no one should have to listen to that comment.  Like I dont know I could lose a few pounds, secondly, walk in my shoes for one day, and you would be screamin with pain, so shut up.  People can be so mean sometimes.  But the other side of that is the people every day help me when I am out and about.  So I guess it evens out.  Those who make the negative comments should beware, Karma is a beast.
Take care of yourself, and congradulation on your upcoming wedding.  My youngest is getting married next June 2012, and we have already started the dance of the perfect wedding.
degenerative disc disease, fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, neuropathy, lumbar laminectomy july 1998 no help, rechargeable neurostimulator unit low right back w/lead wires to left side and right leg unit not working just sitting there.i am 57 years young in may will turn 58. i have 2 grown daughters, 25 and 29. i have 2 grandchildren, 9 year old grandaughter and 5 yr. old grandson

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 2265
   Posted 7/18/2011 10:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Mindy I was also put on SSI because of mental illness. I use a wheelchair now and it's not an electric one. We also ride public transportation and people just hate it when they have to get up and give you their seat. I have got lots of comments. I also use the electric carts at Walmart and boy the people really ask you to run them over by running right in front of them.

Please don't feel alone. It's probably been done to more people than we even realize. I'm sorry that the lady at church was so nosy. I wouldn't have explained about my patch. I would have told her I don't want to discuss it, but I know things can catch you by surprise when you're hurting.

I'm proud of you for telling people that it is your wedding.

I hope you're feeling better about things now. (((((((((hugs)))))))

Dx: osteoarthritis, bursitis in left hip, Osteoarthrits in right hip, compression fracture in thoracic spine due to falling on frozen ground March 2001 , ddd, spinal stenosis, bone spurs, osteoarthritis in spine, osteoarthritis in both knees
Meds: Fentanyl patch, oxycodone, otc: BenGay, Tylenol Arthritis on occasion

Monty's Mom
Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 7/19/2011 10:44 AM (GMT -6)   
Nini, No one should ever have to hear that from anyone, NO matter what size they are. I am so sorry that someone said that to you. Insensitive idiots.

Paula, Being disabled for something people can't see is very tough. Its like the CP in a way, but mental illness can be debilitating without any other issues to deal with. I have suffered from mental illness for years as well, and we do hide it from everyone. I hide my CP from everyone I can, only opening up to those I am very close to and know that no change will happen when they are told. The usual response is, " I would never have known you were in pain." Hiding is a way to keep us safe from rejection, ridicule, and judgment. We shouldn't have to do it, but this is not a perfect world.

Loretta, The sad state of human beings is judgment. I do it too. I try not to, but it is hard. We also have to deal with people who suffer from incurable curiosity which they believe allows them to ask any question with the expectation to be answered.

I need to just be more firm, and when needed, just be as rude as the person confronting me. Sadly, it was a fishing expedition for my mother. I hear from a reliable source that she may be contacting an attorney for a case to prove I am unfit to care for my children, or just plain nosy and feeling she has a right to know. Either way, she didn't get anything that would make anyone blink an eye.

I am meeting so many supportive people who help in so many ways here. Its nice to know that when pain, illness, or disability comes, we are still able to keep our compassion and respect for each other. For someone that did not have much of that in life up to this point, it is like a drink of clear, cool water to a desert wanderer.

You are all wonderful people. Thank you for the support, congratulations, and if you want to connect through email or Facebook, please feel free to email me!
May your day have hugs, happiness, and laughter,

Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 108
   Posted 7/19/2011 8:41 PM (GMT -6)   
I think the abuse of the carts at walmart, and disbled parking, etc leads to some of the people staring and making rude remarks. I know I am not happy when I see this one woman (about 550 pouns)and her son (15 and about 450 pounds) as they fill the baskets with soda, doughnuts, chips, etc. Then I try to remember that maybe this is a psychological problem. There was another one who died at 34 years old, who seemed,from highschool on to just gain more and more weight. She certainly suffered the ultimate sacrifice to die so young. I have a friend who is also on disablity, neither or us talk about it,or make a big deal of it. But she does have a handicapped parking sticker, and we use it, do not apologize for it, or look back.
My medical conditions and treatments are nobody elses' business and I do not allow them to become so. I always smile, rather than stare, and if there is somebody definitely attracting attention due to a malformation or something, I draw them into an irrelevant conversation. If they are uncomfortable, that way they do not have to address their condtion. I try so hard not to mention my pain, that even my children have to stop and think about it. I rarely ask for help, as I know the more I can do for myself,and the longer the better off I will be.

Just ignoring nosy people is hard to do,but turn it around and make it about them. If they get to feel uncomfortable, maybe they will learn their lesson.
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