Hey all, this is basically just a vent I guess.
Last year I was going to college full time and also working on the weekends as a waiter. Then, in December of last year, I (somehow) herniated my L1-2 disc. Since then, I've been having constant pain, and have tried some different things to help it--in vain, so far. I had injections, and was also put on Hydrocodone for a short while. Finally, my pain doctor put me on Tramadol and basically released me to go see my surgeon again. (I see my surgeon on the 26th.)
I guess I also have another herniated disc and one bulging disc down lower. I also have scoliosis, which causes me pain as well...just not in the same way or magnitude.
Anyhow, I basically lost my job due to this 'injury' or 'condition' or whatever, and I also ended up not registering for college classes in the spring. So after doing all this leg work this year, trying to 'get better', I decided to go ahead and apply for the Fall semester. I kept thinking everything would be fine, because I'm only having to go to Campus 2 days a week...
Well, I just had my first day and I feel horrible. I honestly didn't know if I could make it to my second class. I don't remember anything about
the class because I was so focused on trying to ignore /deal with the pain from sitting/standing/walking. It's so different from walking around the house or sitting/reclining in a chair at home. At first I thought I was going to be fine, but at the end of my first class I started to feel pretty bad while sitting and when I got up and started to walk out of the room I ended up limping.
It hurts to bring up & down my left leg, for whatever reason. It started hurting real bad at the end of the first class, and then I had to actually find my second class--which ended up being in a building on the opposite end of the campus. (Across a road, actually, but it didn't have easy access to the parking lot.)
I had to go up a few stair cases to get to the class room, and I actually remember thinking to myself as I went up the stairs how 'stupid' I was. I just felt so angry at myself and everything, that I was having to battle anxiety about
pain because it hurt to lift my leg and walk up some stairs!
I know I can probably tell my instructors that I need to be able to move around during class, but I have no idea how I am going to manage at this rate. I hurt driving home, and I was in so much pain when I finally got home that I just laid in bed and cried. I feel like there is no way I can do this again, let alone on a regular basis. Then I thought about
how if I'm having this much of a problem going to school two days a week--how am I ever going to function once I actually get a job in the career I'm pursuing. (Teaching.) How can I do something like that when I have problems just moving around at my own leisure.
I also feel guilty and angry at myself. I constantly judge myself based upon others, and I always feel like I am just being a wimp or whatever. There was a girl in my history class who is a paraplegic who has an aide and uses a wheel chair, and I remember thinking how stupid I am for 'giving in' to the pain I'm feeling, even when I have functional legs. I know pain isn't universal, and none of us are the same, but I just end up grilling myself on this stuff. I'm just so angry at myself for feeling like I'm a failure, that I won't ever accomplish anything because of this pain and stuff.
So I have my next on campus day on Thursday, and I have no idea what I'm going to do. I made an appointment tomorrow with my general doctor, because I have no medication at all right now. (My tramadol ran out over the weekend, and the pain doc told me to have my regular doctor prescribe it as needed.)
If I withdrawal from classes now, I'll feel awful. But I feel like physically, I just can't do this. I have no idea what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life in terms of a job, and the idea of being disabled scares me. I want to go to school and have a job and have something to be proud of, but I just feel like right now my body decided to go against me. The idea of sitting through another class, almost rocking back and forth just wishing for ANYTHING to help with the pain, is making me sick. I just don't really know what to do.