Sorry that I posted the question and then sort of disappeared for a few days. We had a family crisis.
Finances in our home are an issue as my husband has been unemployed now for just over 2 years. We also have 2 teenage boys that currently still live with us. The youngest is a senior in high school this year. Our middle child (oldest boy) was all set to be in the Navy, he went to boot camp and was medically discharged just a little over 3 weeks later due to double vision (diplopia). So I know that both my husband and my middle child are depressed. My husband much more so than my child is. The entire house is tense and irritable because we all know the financial situation.
I did have a hobby - I used to love to do counted cross stitch. I have not been able to concentrate on it in months and when I have tried to sit down and relax and do it, it just makes me more irritated. I went to the library and took out some books - I am a fiction mystery/suspense thriller reader. I have managed to read a few of those books, but it is even hard to concentrate on the reading long enough to get interested in the books.
I do like to cook, but the heat of the stove/kitchen area does get to me rather easily so I have let my DH take over most of the cooking. I do still handle the family finances, I always have when I have not been hospitalized. I do the grocery shopping for the family with assistance. I either have to have a friend, son or DH has to go with me as I cannot do all the loading and unloading. I am not supposed to do any lifting, but I have done a little bit when necessary with the groceries or a load of laundry. If I am doing a lot of walking or shopping or it is too warm out, I have to be careful from the heat and the syncope.
I have found a new psychiatrist. I was last seeing a male pain psychologist and he taught me cognitive behavior therapy and we talked through some of my issues, but he could not help me with everything. I now have a new female psychiatrist and she upped one of my anti-depressants and my clonazepam on my first visit with her. She even returned my call this past Tuesday herself and talked through my weekend family crisis with me. I was pretty impressed with that seeing as I have only seen her once and I am already calling the office and asking her to call me back because of crisis situations.
My legs are still pretty weak, even 7 years after transplant. The muscle strength has just never come back to my arms/hands and my legs. Anyway, one flight of stairs wipes me out strength wise with my legs and leaves me short of breath from the exertion. Doesn't matter if i am going up them or down them. My husband and I have the upper level, which is an open floor plan along with a large walk-in closet and a half bath. The main level of the house has a full bathroom, living room, kitchen/dining room, office, and one more bedroom. There is a semi-finished basement that has 2 storage rooms, a tool room, 2 bedrooms, and my laundry room.
I have done quite a bit of walking and it has not strengthened my legs the way I thought it would. I am not allowed to work with any weights at all, so I cannot strengthen them that way either. I recently took a pretty nasty fall with our larger dog and for my own safety my husband has asked me not to walk the dogs alone, he wants me to wait until someone stronger is with me and I take the smaller dog. So I have abided by that as he is probably correct in his request right now.
I do realize that I and my body have been through a lot and have put my family through a lot. I also realize that none of it was actually my fault either, but it doesn't keep me from feeling useless at times. I am proud (not sure if that is really the correct wording to use) of the fact that I was strong enough to go through everything that I did. I am thankful that I am still here and I know exactly who to thank for that. The good Lord above, without Him I wouldn't be here today.
Anyway, I do find it difficult to accept the fact that I can no longer work and possibly won't for the rest of my life. This is not an everyday thing, just a once in awhile thing. It just seems to hit me at strange times and then nags at me for awhile before the thoughts go away again for awhile.
I do have to say that I love my pain management doctor and I have a lot of respect for him. He is great at adjusting medications and when you have an appointment, he actually LISTENS to what you have to say when you are in his office. My chronic pain is under the best control right now than it has been since we moved into this house in June of 2007.
So I have now elaborated on my situation just a little bit more. Sorry this turned into being such a long post!! I do appreciate all of the replies and advice! I am normally a positive person. I am on 2 different anti-depressants and they seem to be doing the trick most of the time, it is just that sometimes these thoughts intrude.
DX pyoderma gangrenosum, Acute Myelogenous Leukemia, Bone Marrow Transplant, Chronic Pain syndrome, Chronic Kidney Disease Stage 3, Major Depressive Disorder, Radiculopathy, Bilateral Hip Pain, Insomnia,Left Groin Hernia, Bulging Disk in Lumbar Spine, Tear in Lumbar Spine, Tendonitis and Bursitis in both hips, hypoxia due to sleep apnea and new problems with my lungs. Have had 2 abnormal CT scans.