Forgive me for not getting in here with an update sooner. I'm still alive,…. but health issues,…. and I'm thinking some sort of depression has gotten the better of me, and I decided it was time to take an extended break from the forum for a while. I have made a few changes in my med's, and that has helped the depression a bit, but I continue to deal with serious back pain, so much so that I have been clenching my jaw so tight, that my teeth are starting to give me troubles.
The DDD in my neck, has affected my right shoulder, and my wife said she felt a hard lump close to my shoulder-blade, which is the muscle spasm that keeps knotted up a constant 24/7. I really need to get back in and see my Dr again, but I'm reluctant to do so at this time, partly in fear that he will turn me down, and kick me out to a PM. I don't want to go there in this neck of the woods, as it is very hard to fine a good PM who will treat a CP patient correctly.
We had a local PM, and his wife, who were convicted of killing over 30 patients with pain med's. They are now serving the rest of their lives in jail, and the government, being…local, state, and federal levels, have been cracking down on the PM's to start with. Dr's are next, and all of them are running their practices with cold feet. Of course we all know who is suffering because of this!….we are!
Family issues continue here with the children, and in fact the 17yr old had a court date today, which was extended to sometime in January, because she now has a total of three serious charges against her. I believe they will combine, and deal with all three charges at that time. The girl is in big trouble!
I do peek in here every once in a while, but not very often. I try to stay in contact with Suzane and Tina, my side kicks,
.. ….but I'm sorry to say at times I have not responded to them like I should have. The depression just got the better of me!
I think this is typical of someone dealing with true depression, and when your in that dark little world, it is not something you post about
openly share on a daily basis. In fact…it is hard to explain…but for me….I was living blank days, with no real awareness of even my own thought process. Sorry if that does not make any sense, but I can only recall one other time in my life I have been there. (during my divorce back in 2003)
While I normally would have liked to have responded to emails, and post of concern….I just could not. I felt guilty about
it, as I always respond. However,…..questions and suggestions seem to add to the over whelming pressure….and I just closed the world out. If you did not get a response, please do not take it to heart…..I was just not in a good place. Many of you may remember my dear friend Privey….well she went through this…and let me tell you, we were very close. Privey also suffered from depression, and it took me two or three times of her sudden absence to realize what was going on. No matter how close you may think you are to someone….when they are suffering from depression….all you can do is send a note that you will be there when they return. Privey and I had that understanding…and we stuck to it! Our relationship was one of nothing needed to be explained or said. We were true friends with
open hearts. I miss the woman big time and still visit her FB page on occasion, as well as many others.
Now see how screwed up my thought process is!…..looks like I still need some time to deal with issues, so allow me to do so. I will be back, but for right now, I think it is important to stay on this road of recovery…what ever that may consist of.
For a closing thought, I want to mention something that has been bothering me for quite sometime. Maybe it's not a bothersome point, but more of an observation. Please let me speak as a member and not a moderator. After all, we all are members in the truest sense! I realized that no one forced any of the moderators to take these positions here on the forum. We don't claim to be well versed or knowledgable in technical writings and all the rules and laws that apply. Were certainly not Dr's, and I for one have a very limited medical knowledge with issues relating to CP. I feel like a Neophyte (Beginner) compared to several of our members and current Mod's.……. In fact, I can point out several members on this board, who give wonderful advice based on their personal experience and they have obviously have done some heavy duty research in areas not even related to their own diagnoses. My hats off to them and I applaud them for it.
I'm guessing, and only guessing, but your current moderators don't liked being fussed about
when they are feeling bad. Remember,…. I'm speaking as a member here!
However they are human, and they have real health issues, and some of them severe! Please at least keep them in your thoughts and prayers, and a note of appreciation and encouragement does more than you know. Even if they are not able to reply, that encouragement is a human touch that is needed to keep hope alive.
As I began to feel a bit better a couple of days ago, I sent out an update to Chutz and Stray to let them know how I was doing and what was going on with me. I quickly got replies back from the both of them, and let me tell you, the wisdom I received from them, just really made me appreciate the trouble they go through to make sure I had some sort of hope. They are generous moderators, and I for one know this, because I happen to know about
some of their health issues. Again, I had a sense of guilt for being away for so long, but that feeling was quickly erased as I read their replies.
White Beard is another moderator that reaches deep into his wealth of knowledge and experience, and takes the time to post lengthy and well thought out replies. All three of these active moderators deserve support and appreciation with the most sincere act of kindness we as members can offer. Again Please do so! It takes just a few minuets of your time every once in a while.
Another thing on my mind is that the forum belongs to you the members, and no one person owns it. YOU are the FORUM! This was made possible because of one man,….and that man is the Admin and site owner, Peter W. We probably don't think of it much, but Peter is just human as the rest of us, and trust me he is suffering as well. Now I'm not going to ask you to flood his inbox with support messages, but please do keep him and his family in your prayers as well. They need it too! I'm not sure how many forums there are on HW, and or how many moderators there are, but trust me we keep the man busy asking for help above and beyond our capabilities.
Peter had a vision when he started HealingWell, and I trust each and everyone of us will help him with that vision. The man is a humanitarian in the most humble sense of the word, and we all should be "Thankful" this up coming Holiday that we all have a place to seek knowledge, advice, and support on the highest level known on the web.
And lastly, I have often said there are takers and givers in life. It's quite alright to take when it's needed, however,…. I sincerely believe that one should give back where and when they can. I know there are times that we may be unfamiliar with certain diagnoses, but we all still have a couple of options before us. One we can do a little research on our own, and that may be as simple as doing a quick search here on the forum, or asking another member to reply if it seems to be a subject they have dealt with. And two,….just a simple Hello to a new member, ….and or a "Hope you get to feeling better and I'm thinking about
you" We have a lot of givers here on the forum, and for many,…. you are lucky they chose to give! Thank them for it please.
I will still be gone for a while longer to recoup and regroup, and I do appreciate your concern for my well being.
Thanks, and bless you all!