The pain of change

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Monty's Mom
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Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 1/21/2012 7:34 PM (GMT -6)   
I think all of us who have been walking hand in hand with chronic pain for a time understand that our emotional state can affect our physical state, right? Trying to keep things as normal, low-key, and peaceful in our home has been my goal for some time. Depression can easily isolate me, and then anxiety creeps back into life and creates more issues like panic attacks. My sons now being home with me for public school online is nice, but I had to establish a new rhythm to the running of our house. We are slowly getting there.

The hardest emotional issue for me to work through with CP is acceptance of my illness, the changes I have to make to get anything done, and the changes it has inflicted on my body. It is almost like grieving a loss of myself, the person I used to be, and moving to accept the new changes gracefully. Then as soon as I think that acceptance is here and the roller coaster can level off, something new comes up or old things escalate and its back to square one on acceptance.

Right now my hardest hurdle is friendships. Many of my friends have married in the last few years and are now having babies. Since I crochet, I get asked to make hats, sweaters, booties, blankets and all manner of things for my friends who are expecting or family on my husband's side. It brings up my hurt over the hysterectomy that was to fix all my pain issues, but really just was the beginning of the uncontrollable downhill slide. I envy those mothers and fathers, and enjoy making something lasting for them to cherish. At the same time, it grieves me, because there will be no more babies for my husband and I, and even if there were, I would not be able to hold them long, or provide the care I think a mother should. Silly, I know, but just talking about it makes me feel better.

I guess the grief is not for losing my fertility, but for losing the abilities that I had that helped me raise my sons when they were younger. The grief for the changes in my body and life, and not knowing what is coming in the future.

Hope is still with me though, and in every blanket, bootie, hat, and silly piece of crochet I make for family and friends. I may not be able to do what I used to, but I still have purpose in what I do.

Thanks for listening to the pity party. I hope I don't offend anyone.
Mindy
The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them. That's the essence of inhumanity. George Bernard Shaw
Pelvic adhesive disease, IBS, SI dysfunction, arthritis, fibromyalgia, depression and anxiety, 11 pelvic surgeries for pain, adhesions, endometriosis, adenomyosis, ovarian cysts, and ovarian remnant syndrome.

AngMichelle
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 932
   Posted 1/21/2012 10:45 PM (GMT -6)   
Hold on to HOPE as hard as you can.
I don't know what you beieve, but My faith and trust in GOD is what gets me through. even when I am not able, HE IS ALWAYS ABLE!
27 years old
Dx's: Depression/anxiety, Non-Epileptic Seizures, Migraines, repeat joint dislocations, suppressed immune system
14 Major surgeries
Meds: Cymbalta, Vyvanse, Valium, Trazadone, Ambien, Loratab

Betsey Ross
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Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 1056
   Posted 1/21/2012 10:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Mindy

How true that we have to accept the way we are. The changes to our bodies when we age. was hard sometimes.
I had a hysterectomy 16 years ago and it brought me pain relief in my abdomen. But gone are the months of hormone shots, ultrasounds, basal body temoerature charts,and on demand performance which was hard.

Establishing a new rhythem in the house. That is what Im still working on. Getting closer.

Mindy take caare of yourself
Betsey
Age to a woman is like krypronite to Superman.

Ssinss
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2012
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 1/21/2012 11:39 PM (GMT -6)   
Mindy,

I truly understand the feelings that flowed through you when you wrote your post. We seem to have a very similar history, everything started with my hysterectomy and adhesion's and ohh you will feel so much better after we get in there and "fix" things. It turned into a one way roller coaster straight downward. I am with a younger man, going on 6 years now and that I can not give him children hurts at times.

My daughter gave me my first grandchild, 4 years ago.
It helps a lot having her around, and it helps a lot when she goes back home to, phew, tired.

You are so right, accomplishing things is both therapeutic and each thing you gift, gives a smile and will be surely cherished.

Wait for those next generations, start storing up energy :)

Take care,
Theresa
Abdominal surgeries 7ish (C section x2, Hysterectomy, Laprotomy due to scar tissue, left Colectomy, ventral hernia repair,MRSA, Ventral hernia repair removal, MRSA. Ventral hernia repair laproscopic, last surgery left a hole for months that needed to be packed. The last hernia repair was a placement of a Large abdominal mesh with unusual sensitivity to the tacks.

AngelinaATF
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2012
Total Posts : 135
   Posted 1/22/2012 12:09 AM (GMT -6)   
Cindy, you nailed that one, honestly saying it better than I could have. I teared up bc ive been there - through horrible pelvic pain (nagging, gnawing, unrelenting until you don't care if no more babies! "Just get it out" you tell yourself bc all u can focus on is acute pelvic pain
..like u are being stabbed in the belly! And no amount of pain pills or anti-inflamatories even touched that pain! So then u take the advice of the physician and find you only traded 1 disease for another! 5 yrs down the road & your worse-off than ever..& now another child is impossible (not that your healthy enough to raise another...but the choice was taken fro you! And replaced w THIS! I ask myself every single day "What did I do to deserve this agonizing pain every day of my life???! I mustve really made God angry at me! I CANNOT STAND TO SUFFER ANY LONGER! I look at normal mom's & think WHY?! I would give alot to be able to worry @ 10 lbs, a spill on my shirt, a missed workout (ha! Some days I cannot even walk!
Well..at least we all have each other! Hold your head high! Love, Ang
Angelina.
age 41, Mom of 2 great kids (10 & 7)
MCTD(LUPUS), RAYNAUDS, FIBROMYALGIA, L4L5 disc herniation, fracture in L3 fro EPIDURAL in childbirth
Meds: Arava, prednisone, Nifedipine, estropipate, cyclobenzaprine, Cymbalta, sulfasalazine, gabapentin, hydrocod, fentanyl patch, methotrexate - MTX (on hold), minocycline, clonaxepam (sleep), vit D, PRILOSEC, Transderm Scopalamine, Vit Bcomplex

Blessedx8
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 3193
   Posted 1/22/2012 3:01 AM (GMT -6)   
Mindy....

I get it... and can completely empathize w/ you. Every time I think I get there and feel like I've accepted the "new" me, something happens and knocks me back to the beginning. I don't know why that is. I know it's a process... but, sometimes the process seems never-ending!

This comes up for me on a weekly - and, sometimes, daily basis. You know how much I love the twins and I wouldn't trade them for the world. That being said, I'm a much different mom to them and it deeply saddens me at times that they won't be able to see me as I used to be.

The same is true for friendships. With every "new" person I meet, I have to explain my limitations to them.... why I can't just run out and meet them for coffee (when I do feel "good" - which isn't all that often - I need to spend that time w/ my family!). Not many people understand. In fact, I have very few people that understand my life and what a fine balancing act it is - w/ having lots of kids AND chronic health issues/pain.

These are just my late night musings... and I don't know if they make any sense or not :) lol. But I absolutely understand what you mean when you say it's grieving a loss... and trying to accept the "new" you. Each time I think I've arrived there, something else happens and makes me realize I'm not there as much as I think I am. I guess it IS a process and one that takes a long time.

I know what a wonderful woman you are.... I know your faith is strong; that you are very talented in the things that you do; that you are a devoted wife and mother to your boys; etc. But I also share the sadness/depression that creeps in for both of us (and many of us here)....and I don't know how to change that.... other than to say that I care and just turn to your friends here who DO understand. It's definitely not a "pity party", Mindy. It's just a reality of living w/ chronic health/pain issues.

Hugs, my friend. --Tina

Retired Mom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 1/22/2012 7:49 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello Mindy and All,

Each of you have made some such incredible points. After loosing so many children, I was able to have my child 12 years ago and would have loved to have more, but it was not realistic for me. There would have been such a possibility (even if I were blessed with pregnancy without intervention) of my next child being seriously cognitively damaged. Again, we were blessed beyond compare to have the one (a natural conception) with amazing mental abilites and in my opinion, quite beautiful :)

For that reason, I am not unhappy when I know I wanted a larger family and that I must be happy with the one child I do have. Some of our memembers...and I can think of one in particular....were not so blessed and are terribly saddened everyday that the were denied motherhood (or fatherhood for that matter).

Anyway, I do not deny that emotions of sadness slip in once in a while, but the blessings I have are too great with the child I do have and I want to celebrate her life everyday! She understands her mother's pain and is emphatetic, unlike so many children today. She is a great help to me! I know most of you have given your children exactly the same thing I give mine.....love. It does not matter if you have one or 100, love is the greatest gift you can give....unconditional and unjudgmental love. Don't get me wrong, I am a mother who believes in teaching respect, empathy, dignity, kindess, responsibility, and the list goes on. I do punish for bad behavior and reward for good...though the reward most often is a hug or a kind word of pride in her.

Mindy, the "small things" you are making for others gives them a memory of when their blessed child was so tiny that it could actually wear such a gift. The child may not know who gave them these things later, but the parents always will and the items will most likely be passed along from generation to generation with so much love because they are hand made, even if there are flaws, they are part of the fabric and become loved and individual just like the child.

Please do not feel depressed that you are not giving the world more children, feel elated that you are giving the world memories that they can hold in their hands years from now when we are gone and our children are grown and perhaps their children are grown. You are giving something that remains and will be kept in memory boxes and will bring joy each and every time they are re-discovered.

For all the many others who posted such pain, I am deeply sorry for the pain you suffer. You are obviously loving women, who suffer very misunderstood pain. I do not have pelvic pain in the same way you do and for that I am grateful. I know there must be an answer, but I do not know what that answer is. It is a different kind of pain than the back pain that I suffer, but pain is pain! One is no greater nor is one less intense than the other. I wish there were something more I could say....

I wish everyone a pain free day today!
TLIF L5-S1/failed, Pituatary disorder w/HGH deficiency, Fibro, Failed Bladder Surgery & Nissen, GERD, OCPD, GAD, MDD, CFS, TMJ, Migraines, HBP, Idiopatic Reactive Hypoglycemia w/Diabetic reaction to HGH, Bi-lateral CTS (surgery related trigger finger), Edema, Tarsal Tunnel Syndrome, Peripheral Neuropathy, Plantar Fascitis, Tibular Tendionitis, Adult Onset Flat Feet, Vision Issues & much more.....

Monty's Mom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 1/23/2012 4:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all for the support. I am sorry that you are all going through some of the same things, but grateful to you for sharing. It feels good to not be alone, and realize I am not losing my mind.

RetiredMom, you are right on changing my perspective instead of simply mourning for no more children. I am blessed with two very healthy, happy boys and who could ask for more? My husband didn't marry me simply to provide him children, but because he loves me. Instead of crying as my friends have children, I can rejoice for them and give them back when its time to go home to their parents.

For me, this grief of the ever-changing body can easily overtake me if I don't distract myself and work past it. It seems to work hand in hand with my depression in an attempt to keep me low, I guess. Its better to look up and have faith than to focus on myself and choose to not participate in life going on all around me.

Hopefully when the boys get older they will marry wonderful women and have children of their own, In the meantime I will just keep crocheting for others and turn my focus on something more productive than drowning in grief over what I am no longer capable of doing.

Thank you again ladies, for being so kind, sharing, and understanding.
Mindy

Blessedx8
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 3193
   Posted 1/23/2012 5:25 PM (GMT -6)   
Mindy,

I wouldn't wish depression on anyone.... I'm such a mess w/ my emotions, it's ridiculous. My husband and I actually went and grabbed lunch today, after a meeting... and something we were talking about made the tears start streaming down my face. It didn't faze him - he's seen it all by now :) lol.

And you are right - our sons will hopefully marry wonderful women one day. Then the reality of that hits - that I might have 6 daughter-in-laws one day... YIKES!! smilewinkgrin

Love, Tina

Monty's Mom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 1/24/2012 1:09 PM (GMT -6)   
Tina,

OH yeah, 8 daughters-in-law can be a very scary thought!

Depression causes me to cry over the silliest things, and I get embarrassed when it happens in public. Church is always a place where it happens too, when the pastor or a song hits something that just makes me cry. My hubby isn't fazed any more either. He just hands me a handkerchief and puts an arm around me. He does special little things at home to help. I am lucky.

You will most likely have 8 very kind and loving daughters in law when the time comes. You have raised very respectful and caring boys, who will make good decisions when it comes to their wives. How can they not when they have a good example in their parents?

Praying you are having a good day.
Mindy

Blessedx8
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 3193
   Posted 1/24/2012 6:50 PM (GMT -6)   
Mindy,

Thanks for your thoughtful words :)

I had to laugh! Church is a major trigger for me, too.... be it the message from the pastor or a song or whatever... I'm the same way! It's also really hard for me to sit through a whole service w/ my back.

I'm a mess.... --Tina

Monty's Mom
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 664
   Posted 1/24/2012 8:44 PM (GMT -6)   
I never last the whole service either without crying. Sitting for that long a time requires a lot of time to recoup and get the pain under control again.

It takes me awhile to get used to a new church too. Some of them frown on people who sit during the entire service, but don't realize that some of us are just not able to stand.
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