This is one of the most deep reaching and touching threads I have read in a very long time. There was a time I felt exactly like the pain descibed here. I still have days I feel that way, but there are better days now. I still have such deep wounds from the pain and depression that they bubble up when I least expect them.
I have never thought about it as: please let it be me to spare my loved one the pain...but that is so profound. I am glad now that it is me and that my beloved daughter is pain free. I will do better with my attitude now!
Often there are other "people" who inflict emotional pain on us too and I got really bogged down in my feelings about that a few years ago. It was honestly before my horrible chronic pain became so severe and I look back now with different eyes...however...I reached out for help (which I used to think was for basket cases) but I was a basket case at that time and didn't want to admit it. After several sessions, he asked me what made me so special...basically, what made me think this person/people were just doing these things to me and not others. I expained that he/they weren't just doing to to me and he said...exactly...the problem is not with you, it is with the person/people who are using their power to inflict pain.
Somehow it changed the way I felt about things....what made me so special? They had done this over and over and I had never realized what impact it had on others until it happened to me. I made it my goal in life to never inflict pain on others in any way that I can reasonably prevent. Your thread has renewed that in me and I will again do better in my relations with other people.
The only honest thing I can say at this point is that you are not a whining person, you are a person in pain. It changes how we see everything and how we feel about everything....somehow it defines us and we cannot see our way out at times, but there will be a way out...it will come when the right Dr comes your way or when some research you have done turns out to be the relevation. There will be a better time.
I no longer believe time heals all wounds...I will never get better in some ways, my medical conditions are not the kind that heal, but I am better, much better today than I was three years ago when I was in the depths of despair, the most insane pain that I have ever even imagined, and when I felt my life was over.
Failed TLIF L5-S1, Miltiple Bulges/Herniations, Scoliosis, Pituatary Disorder, Fibro, Failed Bladder Surgery, Failed Nissen, GERD, OCPD, GAD, MDD, CFS, TMJ, Migraines, HBP, Idiopatic Reactive Hypoglycemia w/Diabetic reaction to HGH, Bi-lateral CTS (now trigger finger), Edema, Tarsal Tunnel Syndrome, Peripheral Neuropathy, Plantar Fascitis, Tibular Tendonitis, Adult Onset Flat Feet, & Vision Issues