Skrape and Tina:
I have been where you are. . .we have similar journies. My story in a nutshell: After years of working at least 2 jobs, I began experiebcing spasms in my back, some so debilitating that I wanted to die. I am a large guy.. . .aka fat. . .and was often simply dismissed as being a product of my weight. The spasms led to a numbness in my foot, and all progressed to an intense scortching burning in my lower legs. . .almost like a blowtorch is being applied. I lost my jobs, we went from comfortable to day by day, often eating only the cheapest pasta with some cheap margarine if we were lucky. Our home was in forclosure, and a friend who was staying with us to help with expenses, burned down our home with himself inside ( we had no idea he was suicidal) We had insurance, but to date, 4 years later, they still refuse to pay because they maintain we were negligent in allowing him to stay. We lost everything except the clothes we were wearing. The worst loss, other than his life, was the loss of years of family pictures. . . . . .
Two and a half years ago I had a stimulator placed in my back to help with the pain, and it is almost managable. I dislike medication, as I am afraid of becomming an addict ( both my parents were alcoholics). We had to move in with our daughter and son-in-law, or face homelessness.
Yet. . . .each day I wake up and am grateful to be here. A very wise counselor challenged my thinking when he proposed this:
Imagine this was happening to someone I love. Would I be praying to PLEASE let it be me to spare my loved one the pain? That day changed my outlook. . .now I understand WHY ME and even when it becomes unbearable I remember how I would feel if it was one of my kids going through this, and somehow I feel a bit better.
I guess what I am saying is hang in there. Life changes, many times obviously not in ways we would choose, but it IS worth the moments of happiness. My daily pain is profound, and I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I DO know today is here and I am going to make it the best day possible! Bear