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New Member

Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 5/31/2012 12:28 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi my name is Keith, I'm 25 yrs old. I came here looking for some advice from those who are chronically ill. I have been disabled for the past 7 years with anxiety, depression, chronic widespread musculoskeletal pain, fatigue, low testosterone problems, asthma, allergies, ADD, GI issues, Asperger's, BPD, and chronically poor appetite/low weight. I live in a decent house with unsupportive parents; one of them, my father, is abusive. I cannot stand living with them anymore, but I am too ill to live alone. Living in this environment is preventing me from ever getting better.

I have my own apartment, but rarely go there as I get into a pattern of being unable to take care of myself (ie. groceries, cooking, house care, loneliness which leads to depression, and anxiety). I am living on disability right now and doing some college courses online. I am barely doing anything. I am so unproductive and dysfunctional right now. My entire life is in disarray/mess. I spent almost 7 months of the previous 12 being severely depressed and sick. For the past 2.5 months I've been feeling better mood wise, but am still useless. I can't stand going in and out of severe depression/sickness like I have been. I don't wanna live like this. Either I get better, or I don't bother going on.

I've spent the last 7 years going to doctor after doctor, therapist after therapist, appointment after appointment and taking medication after medication. I think I've gone as far as I'm ever going to get with doctors or medication. I really would like to work on my health by working out/fixing my diet/seeing a naturopath/getting on the right supplements, vitamins, minerals in addition to my meds, while I am feeling better mood wise during this summer. I need to fix my financial problems too. I also wish there was some type of clinic that was able to follow on a regular basis, those who are chronically ill.

Any advice on where to go, or how to make this happen>? I live in southern Ontario, Canada.

Betsey Ross
Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 1056
   Posted 5/31/2012 5:12 AM (GMT -6)   

Welcome to our forum

So sorry to read of all your health problems

I am not familiar with what resources are in Canada since I live in the States. maybe you could go to a pain clinic. They write scripts for antidepressants and pain pills.

Look up on the internet pharmaseutical financial help and see what pops up. maybe if you can get financial help on your meds then your disability check would go further.

You said that your father is abusive. Does he hit you? Should you get the police involved in this? I don't know.

Please keep us in the loop as it pertains to your health.

Age to a woman is like krypronite to Superman.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 3193
   Posted 5/31/2012 11:16 AM (GMT -6)   

Welcome to the board. Sorry you are going through so much, though.... especially being so young.

A few things:

-- I honestly know nothing about the Canadian health care systems - other than what I've learned from friends here. There are a few people from Canada - so hopefully they can give some input.

-- I suffer from many of the things you've listed (not just the chronic pain, but depression/anxiety, etc). Having walked in those shoes, I'd say that getting your mental health under control is probably more important than the physical (at least for me). I completely understand the "pattern" thing that you mention - it works that way for me too). Being stable mentally doesn't mean that you won't still suffer from these issues - but that you are at least able to get out of bed and face each day. Then you can work through the physical things.

For me, I would not be stable w/out my anti-depressant... eating healthy.... etc. Sleep is a HUGE key to my mental health. At times where I can't sleep, my depression/anxiety get so much worse.

Walking has been a HUGE thing lately for me. Keep in mind, a year ago - I couldn't hardly make it around the block w/out my pain and heart issues flaring. But I finally forced myself to go a little further each day... Some days I can't make it far... but I force myself to walk every day - for my mental and physical well-being. It feels silly to say that something so "obvious" works... but it really does.

-- I don't know about you - but if I look at the "big picture" of my life - I can easily get overwhelmed and say "forget it", lol. I get discouraged easily. You have so much going on... that I would try to just focus on working through one or two issues at a time. Be it - starting w/ your diet... or exercise.... or whatever it may be. When you get in a good pattern - move on to the next hurdle.

-- Finally, I hate to hear that your living situation is as it is. That's good that you do have your own place to escape to if needed. I don't know what kind of abuse you are dealing w/ in relation to your dad - an emotional thing? physical? - obviously, your safety is the #1 concern. But, if it's an emotional/mental thing - try to just focus on making this a temporary situation, while you work on much healthier alternatives.

Take care, Keith... I hope you can find the things that work for you...

Moderator - Chronic Pain Forum

My faith and family sustain me even on my worst days... as well as my wonderful friends here at HW.

Health/Pain Issues - too many to list; feel free to ask

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2024
   Posted 5/31/2012 8:18 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Keith
Welcome to our chronic pain forum. Glad you found us but sorry you are suffering so much.
I am from Ottawa, Ontario.
Can you tell us the meds you are on and what kind of doctors you see now and have seen in the past. Any info like this would help us to help you.
Sorry things at home are the best for you. Can you try living in your apartment on your own? At least you wouldn't be around the abuse as that is not healthy for you mentally. Can you find a room mate to live with you? Have you tried counselling, psychologist/psychiatrist to help you in dealing with your depression and anxieties?
Eating healthy will certainly help you in many ways and you could start doing this now. Exercise, like the ladies above mentioned, going for walk would be good, even if you start with ten minutes a day. Do you have a YMCA near you that you could join? or aquafit classes would be good as well. I am sure you are aware that chronic pain and depression go hand in hand and throw in poor sleep and you have a viscious cycle that just keeps repeating itself.
Have you looked for a pain management dr.? your gp should be able to help you with this or you can google "rate your doctor" for your city.
So you've got a bit of info to get you started.
Keep posting with us and let us know how you are doing. You will find the members here very supportive, caring and non judgemental. If you need to vent or come for support then by all means come and post with us and we will support you. We do care.

New Member

Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 5/31/2012 11:10 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for all the replies everyone.

I have been going to a pain management clinic for the past 5.5 years or so, and they have done next to nothing in the way of "management", all they are is a prescription pad to write out narcotics. You see the doctor for about 5-10 rushed minutes once every 3-6 months (pointless). I've seen several psychologists and have worked on my anxiety disorders as good as they are ever going to get living in this lifestyle. I have done over 350 hours of CBT and DBT with therapists 1on1. The skills may help my anxiety pretty well, depression if I didn't have physical health issues, but I do. As long as I am feeling sick and incapacitated my depression will never go away. I may get like 3-4 months of a break and then return to the darkest depths of hell. I don't want to go back and I refuse to go on another 50 years of living like this, not worth it to me.

In addition to my pain doc, I see a pediatrician who specializes in ADD treatment, an endocrinologist/urologist, an orthopedic surgeon, and a GP. I've given far more effort than any person could be reasonable expected to give into these treatments. I've taken over 90 different pharmaceutical medications so far, if anyone wants the list, just ask and I'll send it. The ones I am currently on however are: Lyrica, Dilaudid, Fentanyl patches, Clonazepam, Ondansetron, Paxil, and an antihistamine for my allergies as well as occasional use of inhalers for my asthma. All my medications (except antihistamines and OTC stuff) are covered by disability, so that I don't have to pay for them.

Any one of my illnesses on their own would not seem like much of a problem to give up over, but when you combine everything together, it seems next to impossible. When I take time to work on one illness and get that into remission, 3 of the other illnesses get far worse. I've found that whenever I get very ill physically, that is when my mood plummets and hopelessness sets in. So treating my depression on its own will do nothing.

I would like to work on my body by increasing my muscle mass, exercising more, getting the right nutrients and supplements, as well as fixing my diet. I am always skinny, don't have enough energy, and I know if I did what this work I would like to do, I know that BOTH my mental and physical health would improve. I wouldn't be as tired anymore, sleep would be corrected from routine and exercise, more energy from exercising and improved diet, my mental health would improve from exercise, proper nutrition, as well as improved confidence, these set of changes should also solve my appetite/weight problems, and best of all, I think my pain would decrease. I could ACTUALLY have a life. I am just trying to figure out how to go about doing so...

I've thought about making friends with someone who is into body building, I have access to my college's gym, I would still need a proper meal plan and diet though and be able to acquire enough food for this task. My metabolism is already extremely high, I need to eat like 3 times that of a regular person for my activity level as it is, just so I maintain my weight.

As for living on my own, I have tried that, I just get lonely, depressed, am unable to keep up with housework or being able to grocery shop when I am feeling ill, etc. I have roommates right now, but I don't really speak to them even though they are friendly, and I CAN'T really see anyone of them helping me out so. I have thought about possibly getting a personal support worker from disability to help out, iunno. As for my father, he is an angry and unhappy man who cannot control his mouth nor his hands. I've called the cops before and they were just as useless. The only reason I live here is because my mother is able to do the grocery shopping and its not complete utter loneliness when I get to talk to her. I certainly don't stick around for my father's sake.

I know walking would be good for me, but I hate walking around in my neighbourhood, I feel ugly and unconfident with my looks. I hate seeing people I know, and I hate being heckled by cars driving by. Having these things happen to me just forces my social anxiety to get worse. The YMCA is actually more expensive than the fitness centers I've considered joining. I enjoy swimming but once again am too shy/anxious to go be around others right now with how I look. I end up having panic attacks or being sick to my stomach. Once I start to work on my body, I would eventually like to go swimming at my college or university's pool.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 3193
   Posted 6/1/2012 1:44 AM (GMT -6)   

Thanks for sharing more... I can hear your frustrations for sure.

We are all at different points in our journey.... For me, I've learned that I can only control my physical issues so much - by taking my meds; getting to the doctor appointments; maintaining a healthy lifestyle; etc. But - despite all of that - there are times that my health issues flare... and I've spent a ton of time pretty ill and/or hospitalized. It's impacted my life severely, too.

Anyway, it sounds like you think that exercise and fixing your diet will aid you both mentally and physically - if so, I'd really encourage you to give that a good try.... especially if you have access to your college's gym, etc.

Re: your medications - several of us here have been down that medication path where we've been on every med out there. I guess the only thing I would ask you if you think that some of these meds could be contributing to your lack of energy, etc. I've been on high doses of these same meds (dilaudid and fentanyl); at the time, I didn't think I was having fatigue relating to those meds... but looking back, I can see that they actually did sedate me. Or zap me of the little energy I did have, I guess is a better way to say it.

Do you know what your chronic pain is caused from? Have you tried anything else for your pain issues? (Again, not knowing your pain issues - but things such as injections... physical therapy.... etc).

Wishing you well.... --Tina
Moderator - Chronic Pain Forum

My faith and family sustain me even on my worst days... as well as my wonderful friends here at HW.

Health/Pain Issues - too many to list; feel free to ask

New Member

Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 6/1/2012 10:46 PM (GMT -6)   
I've tried weaning off all unnecessary meds and lowering doses. I used to be on like 11 meds daily, now I take about 5 on average. I have a rare genetic bone disease called HME, causing tumors that are benign to grow all over my skeleton. Doctors have suggested Fibromyalgia, but when I went to the sleep clinic to be tested, my sleep quality was textbook perfect the doctor said. As far as I know, FMS patients have really poor sleep quality. However I have most of all the other symptoms. No doctor has ever told me where my widespread physical pain is coming from, it can't all be accounted for by my bone disease.

I've tried physical therapy after every surgery that I've had done, and that has helped return my functioning to my normal low, but thats about it. I ask for nerve blocks but my doctor never seems to get around to giving me them. If I manage to get my pain under control, all the rest of my symptoms from my other illnesses including those side effects caused by the medications used to treat my pain, prevent me from living a normal life.

I know my abusive father has a LOT to do with why I am so depressed and hopeless. I wish I could find some situation to live with a roommate and have a personal support worker, so that I could just live my life in peace.

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 44
   Posted 6/3/2012 3:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello Keith,

I am sorry to hear about all of your pain, both physical and mental. I am also dealing with CP and depression. I know that it is a terribly difficult journey for me, with only two of the issues you're dealing with.

I hope you find that CP family helpful and supportive, as I have.

I think you need to do something about finding a new pain management clinic, I'm not sure how it works there in Canada but you need one that is no interested in helping you.

I want to add on to something Tina said about the medication making you drowsy. I am currently on Fentanyl patches and have extreme exhaustion. I have to nap or rest during the day to function and care for my son. I have issues with passing out when I'm inactive and also get very dopey if I try to stay awake. But it helps enough to the point that it is mostly worth it.

I really hope that you can get your situation, including the one with your father, more stable. I truly hope that in you're weakened state, he is not physically abusing you as that will make things worse.

Let any of us know if you have any more questions.

EDIT: Spelling error!
Kathryn - 22 years old.
Mommy to Baby Scott - May 18th, 2011.

Accidents: Jan. and Oct. 2008, Nov. 2009.
Surgeries: Eye - 1995, Lumbar Laminectomy L4-5 - Feb. 2008, Cesarean Section - May 2011 and Gallbladder Removal - June 2011.
Current Medication: Generic Fentanyl 50 mcg/h patch every 72 hours (feels ineffective after 48), Meloxicam 15mg once a day and Generic Tylenol for breakthrough.

Post Edited (gangsterkathryn) : 6/3/2012 3:12:04 PM (GMT-6)

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