Boy, are we two peas in a pod. Our medical issues are very similar and I, too, struggle daily with the depression that comes with mourning the loss of the life I used to have. I am divorced with no children, on disability due to chronic migraines, a bad back and knees, depression, and panic/anxiety disorder. I used to be married, with a career I enjoyed, and lived in a big, four bedroom house with my husband and my dog. Now I'm down to a two bedroom apartment with three cats. I make the joke that I'm just one bad relationship away from owning 50 cats, and sadly I'm only half-kidding.
about a month ago, my boyfriend of over a year broke up with me out of the blue, so yet again I'm all alone and looking at an uncertain future. Living only on my disability income does not afford me the luxury of doing much going out and socializing, so the chances of me meeting someone new are fairly limited. The thought of spending the rest of my life alone fills me with dread, especially since I'm physically so miserable a good portion of the time. A lot of people have a bucket list of things/activities they want to do before they die. I have a mental list of things I'll probably never get to do during the rest of my life, like live in my own home, plan and take a real vacation, have grandkids, shop for new furniture, have a birthday party, use all my Christmas decorations, plant a garden, get snowed in with my significant other...and so forth. As much as I love my cats, they aren't very good a curling up and holding me when I'm sad or in pain like a life partner.
My life did get a little better yesterday, as I finally convinced my primary care physician to increase my pain meds to a more comfortable level. I've been fighting that battle for three years now, so I guess that's at least SOME progress. Today is the first day I haven't felt like complete crap in a long time, so maybe there's some hope on other fronts. My shrink upped my evening meds too yesterday, so that hopefully I'll be able to sleep better, since I pretty much haven't been doing that at all lately.
Milly, if you ever want someone to talk to, I'm usually available night or day. If you're interested, send me an email at email@example.com and I'll send you my phone number so we can chat and commiserate. I know sometimes it just helps to talk to someone when you're feeling bad.