fed up and ready to explode

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New Member

Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 7/4/2012 9:40 PM (GMT -6)   

I don't know if this is a place I can vent, or how it all works - no doubt if I'm wrong someone will soon let me know.

By way of introduction I'm the wrong side of 50, c5/6/7 issues, and of late, T8 and L3/4/5 herniation. The lumbar problems started 4 months ago, oh and my mother passed away (suddenly) last month.

I've been put on norspan patches (10mg) but they might as well be lolly water. I have oxycodone, valium, mersyndol forte - ok, not all at the same time and not enough to cause me to stop functioning.

I'm spending my time at work 4hours a day, 4 days a week and physio etc. in the last few weeks anything will send me off the deep end - politicians waffling on, tv adverts, even children playing. I know inside of me that kids will be kids, and politicians no matter what country will always talk rubbish - but when I'm sitting here in pain, or trying to sit comfortably I'm just not coping with it all.

I'm not suicidal, from the pain I felt losing my mum I could never put that pain on someone else - but at times I wish I could just curl up and disappear or find some kind of rest. I just don't see a future, and that thought scares me...really deeply

Screaming Eagle
Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 5005
   Posted 7/4/2012 9:47 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello Dave!…and Welcome to the chronic pain forum!

I'm in a time crunch here with the 4th and kids wanting to shoot fireworks, so bare with me and I will be back in a couple of hours to visit with you. Tonight may be slow because of the holiday, but keep checking in, and other members will stop by to say howdy to you. We fully understand where your at, as we all deal with pain on a 24/7 basis.

Take care,

SE wink
Moderator Chronic Pain Forum

Weekly Quote!

"If you trust Google more than your doctor then maybe it's time to switch doctors"

New Member

Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 7/4/2012 9:48 PM (GMT -6)   
I forgot about the time difference - I think I'm about 15 hours in front of you...

Thank you however for taking the time to reply

Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 7/4/2012 10:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Dave
I know just how you feel. I've had my back fused and 10 other surgeries unrelated to my back and am in pain most of the time and know just how you feel. As a matter of fact today was one of those days I was just so irritable I couldn't stand myself. I think we all have those days when battling an illness and can`t get away from pain and frustration. All I can say is that it does pass and you carry on. I find watching TV really helps when I can lose myself in a TV show or movie or sometimes read. I used to be very active and had a physical outlet for frustration and it`s taken a lot of adjusting to find other ways. Just wanted you to know your not alone and venting is perfectly acceptable here. We all need to vent sometimes and you won`t find a more understanding group than here. Sorry I wasn't of much help but wanted to let you know that we all try and support each other as best we can. Good luck and keep us posted on how your doing.
Oh and of course welcome to the site. Take care.
Chronic Back Pain, Anxiety, A little Depression, Left foot problems...foot growing in length and big toe growing out sideways, Osteoporosis,11 surgeries total..right foot twice, right knee 3 times, right elbow, throat/neck, spinal fusion, left elbow, left knee, currently deciding on whether to have surgery on left foot.
Meds: Oxycodone, Oxyneo, Clonazapam
Birthday July 18th

Elite Member

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 25393
   Posted 7/4/2012 11:39 PM (GMT -6)   
Dave, welcome here, in your present state of mind and body, I am sincerely glad you found us here. Venting is allowed and encouraged. We all have a need from time to time. You have a lot on your plate right now, both physcially and emotionally, so its understood how you are currently feeling.

I wish you the best, and just remember, you don't ever have to be alone with your pain or feelings again.

David in SC
Age: 59, 56 dx, PSA: 10/08 16.3
3rd Biopsy: 9/08 7 of 7 Positive, 40-90%, Gleason 4+3
open RP: 11/08, original catheters 63 days
Path Rpt: Gleason 3+4, pT2c, 42g, 20% cancer, 1 pos margin
Incont & ED: None
Post Surgery PSA: 2/09 .05,5/09 .1, 6/09 .11. 8/09 .16
Post SRT PSA: 1/10 .12, 4/10 .04, 8/10 .06, 2/11 1.24, 4/11 3.81, 6/11 5.8, 12/11 14.0, 4/12 37.0
Other: Spent total of 1 ½ years on 21 catheters, had Ileal Conduit Surgery 9/10
Member of Prostate Cancer & Chronic Pain HW Communities

Retired Mom
Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 1753
   Posted 7/5/2012 4:39 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi and Welcome,
I am glad you found HW for support.  You may certainly vent any time!  That's what we are here for...to provide support.
Many, many of us understand back pain and all the pain that develops from the results of a poor back.  It's like the back pain breaks us down and, even if you get the pain of the "back" under control, then you face the pain of the other parts that have been damaged because of the back.  Things like the feet, the arms, the shoulders, the feet the legs, the buttocks, you name it.  Most of us have this and we understand.
I don't always check the board and I don't always post anymore, but I do check in once in a while and I could see you needed help and understanding.  I cannot give the help, but I can give the understanding. 
I don't know your pain meds exactly, but I do know that it took me a very long time to get mine under control and even they don't work as well as they should from time to time.  It was the same way with the procedures.  After my "bad" fusion and additional herniations/other issues, I didn't think I could live with the pain.  Finally I found a phychiatrist that understood and he helped.  Then I found a PM who would give me meds (not enough, but some) and he'd do procedures....like RFA and trigger point injections.  Then he started to trust me and upped my meds.  I still take the meds, take the drug tests, do the procedures as often as possible and whatever else they recommend (short of implantation of a stimulator) and I have a life.  It's not the life I thought I would have, but it is my life and I'm OK with that now.
Don't give up.  Things will get better.  You will find answers and hopefully better medication/procedures to help relieve your pain.

I wish you all the luck my friend.
Failed TLIF L5-S1, Miltiple Bulges/Herniations, Scoliosis, Pituatary Disorder, Fibro, Failed Bladder Surgery, Failed Nissen, GERD, OCPD, GAD, MDD, CFS, TMJ, Migraines, HBP, Idiopatic Reactive Hypoglycemia w/Diabetic reaction to HGH, Bi-lateral CTS (now trigger finger), Edema, Tarsal Tunnel Syndrome, Peripheral Neuropathy, Plantar Fascitis, Tibular Tendonitis, Adult Onset Flat Feet, & Vision Issues

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2012
Total Posts : 148
   Posted 7/5/2012 7:58 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello Dave & welcome to the boards. I think you will find this is a great place to vent your frustrations with chronic pain. I've been where you are- not able to control your emotions. That's the thing about chronic pain that people don't understand, it can take over your life in so many ways and definitely messes with your emotions. There are days that every little thing makes me mad and then there are days that those things make me cry instead of being mad. A lot of people with chronic pain suffer from depression and are on medications for it...I'm on medications that are for depression but I wasn't put on them for depression- I won't bore you with that story. Anyway, are you on any medications for mental health? If not, that may be something to discuss with your doctor. I do hope you get some relief soon and please keep us updated.
Current: Lumbosacral Spondylolysis, Lumbosacral Neuritis, Arthritis L3-S1, Facet Syndrome, SI Joint Dysfunction, Interstitial Cystitis, Vulvodynia, Restless Leg Syndrome, Bi-polar, IBS, Fibromyalgia, PTSD. On too many medication's to list & have had many surgeries & procedures and I'm only 34.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 3193
   Posted 7/5/2012 11:04 PM (GMT -6)   
I wrote you a long response - but, in the ongoing saga of my life - it poofed and went away.  The jist of what I was trying to say is welcome.... but I'm sorr you are dealing w/ chronic pain issues.  The more you read here... and more you post.... you'll find many wonderful, compassionate people that truly understand what it's like to deal w/ chronic health and pain issues.  Our circumstances may vary slightly.... but the common ground that we all share is that we suffer. 
So, please continue to post with quesitons.... to vent.... whatever it may be.
You can also utilize the search feature (upper right corner) and plug in various topics and find threads where we've talked about just about everything under the sun, and then some! lol...
One thing I posted before is that I probably am the most patient person you'll ever meet - I have 8 kids - but, trust me, when my pain is flaring.... the kiddos drive me nuts, the politicians on TV, etc - all of that which you write of - I understand completely! 
Finally, I'm very sorry for the loss of your mom.  I do know that stress can make any health/pain issue worse... so please take extra good care of yourself... and keep reaching out. As someone else mentioned too - many of us here suffer from depression and/or anxiety - and use medications for these issues too.  So, it's just a thought.
Look foward to getting to know you better.... take care of yourseld Dave.... --Tina
Moderator - Chronic Pain Forum

My faith and family sustain me even on my worst days... as well as my wonderful friends here at HW.

Health/Pain Issues - too many to list; feel free to ask

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2012
Total Posts : 608
   Posted 7/6/2012 12:53 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Dave

Sorry it has taken me so long to reply to your post. I wish I could reach out and make things better. I can't do that but I can assure you that after the loss of my mum I felt just like you. Dealing with that on top of the pain you are in is hard to bear. I think your reactions are just your way of coping. Everyone has their own way, some cry all the time (as I did) and some people get angry. Don't suffer like this too long, see your doctor. There is help out there.

As for pain, I understand that too. I am on my third back surgery, just a week ago, in less than two years and my second this year. I am on pretty heavy pain medications at the moment. Luckily I am in the UK where prescriptions are free and we don't have the same controls. I don't mean that as it might sound!!! Lol. No I mean that I have a good relationship with my doctors, we work out the plan, and there is no jumping through hoops! Do you have a good pain management doctor. You certainly need your meds looked at, either upped or maybe changed. Don't give up, speak to someone. Losing someone close to you is one of the hardest things to cope with in life.

Good luck Dave, I really hope you start to feel better soon


New Member

Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 7/6/2012 7:09 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi again,
Thank you all for your caring replies - I guess when you're like this you tend to think you're alone.
There were a lot of questions raised, I'll try to answer them as I go along.  (oh, I'm writing this in word, then pasting it in, so sorry if it appears disjointed)
Firstly, yes I am on medication for depression, have been since I left the Army 15 yrs ago (that's where all my neck problems started) - I used to run half marathons regularly and once the knees and ankles gave way I realised just how much of my worries were "exercised away".  The funny part is, once I damaged my neck the orthpaedic surgeon told me - well, no swimming, or rugby etc, why not try running - twenty plus years later and being unable to run, yep you can see this coming, the surgeon suggested - well, you can't run, why not try swimming. 
I am about to start seeing a psychologist "adjustment disorder" (sounds like something you do with furniture)..... we'll see how it all goes
I've now found out I'm allergic to the adhesive used in the patches, my upper arms and chest have red rectangles on them that look like heavy sunburn. I'm coming down from the medication from the patches.  The pharmacist tells me it takes 3 days for everything to leave your system, so I'm attempting to replace it with the stuff I have at home.   
Woke up about 5 or 6 times last night, tried watching TV for a while, then decided that I didn't need an ab-swinger, air purifier, or want to better myself through paying someone $$$$ for some DVDs.  My worry is that eventually work will say enough is enough - having already been down the path of one medical discharge (Army) and the promises about being looked after and helped... Not sure I'm ready to even contemplate sitting at home - I need to work, to feel like I'm contributing to something.
ok, it's 4am, don't believe it when they tell you Australia is all warm...it's freezing (about 40F) at the moment, and when you're used to the tropics....that's cold.  Thank you all again for taking some time to reply, reading your replies has helped me.

Screaming Eagle
Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 5005
   Posted 7/7/2012 10:25 AM (GMT -6)   
     Hello Dave!...and again Welcome!
         I guess I got back a little later than I thought...it happens...Sorry! rolleyes
    By now you can see that we have very caring members here, and we believe we have the best support on the web! work?...oh yes!...I'm there with you on this, and can see that yout to the point like I am, that you question why! Part of it is guilt and the other is for financial reasons. You will know when the time comes, and if your like me, you will go the limit, with nothing left to give. shakehead  
     Keep plugging away, and feel free to visit us anytime..and of course let out a rant if needed as well. Also, let us know how the new psychologist works out for you. Good luck!
   Take care,
      SE wink
Moderator Chronic Pain Forum

Weekly Quote!

"If you trust Google more than your doctor then maybe it's time to switch doctors"

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 1355
   Posted 7/7/2012 11:15 AM (GMT -6)   
Dave I understand your vent because sometimes it just has to go somewhere. Sorry for your pain physically and mentally in the loss of your mother.
I have days when I vent, rant, cry but although all the drs had me on antidepressants I honestly feel they were holding me back from healing. I miss my mom and dad but that doesn't mean I can not function, they would not have wanted that.
I don't understand are you swimming now that seems to be the way I am going low impact water aerobics.
Just popped in for a second to at hi and I wrote you a novel, sorry. Welcome to HW.
Take care

Insulin Dependant Diabetic, Fibromyalgia, Gerd, IBS, Sleep Apnea, COPD, Spondylolistesis, Diabetic Neuropathy, Fatty Liver, High Cholesterol

New Member

Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 7/7/2012 6:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Rose,

No, if I swim I get pins and needles down both arms and I walk around like a robot unable to turn my neck properly... So, if I run, I get chronic knee and ankle pain (both).

I know this is the creed of many a broken runner - but I'd give anything just to be able to run another half-marathon...
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