Oh don't be sorry in the least!!
I made a post, either in this CP forum or in the Anxiety forum, about what I am going through right now as a very confusing, inexplicable experience in my life.
In my post I mentioned that several days ago, I woke up from a sound sleep with this unfamiliar and vivid sense of clarity and awareness. The past years of my life, (including my recent college education), I just sailed through with no awareness....I was in denial,....I didn't realize I was hurting my self (by not being authentic), hurting my family by not being present and not bringing in any income,...
The list goes on.
Simultaneously I'm processing the guilt and humiliation of only now realizing the impact of years of my poor behaviour and inactions.
The closest thing I can compare this to is that it feels like I had at the very least, a 6+ year blackout, amnesia, no memory of my behaviours (of what I did, what I felt or didn't feel, the effect on everyone around me, even when faced with accusations of my bizarre behaviour).
I feel like a few days ago, I woke up from an extremely long coma. Sudden wakefulness, years passed without me being aware or a part of it. I cannot recall my schooling, books I've read, even experiences! My Husband will tell me that I did things, said things, wrote things, and I even had a few trips to the Emergency Department that I don't recall (how I got there or how I got home)....and I don't remember ever doing any of this.
Except that NOW,...only NOW I'm remembering all the things I forgot over the years.
Isn't that the strangest thing ever? I still don't know why, but believe me, you're not alone! I get it!