Oh honey, you're not alone. And this is, in my sincere, honest, and humble opinion, one of the best forums you could have come across for support, help, and understanding.
So many of us deal with complex, multiple issues. We know what it feels like to internalize all of this, feel overwhelmed, feeling like a burden to our families....
I really do understand. I am 50 and my journey started in my 20's. I'm not mentioning that to discourage you or imply you have a long road ahead, but rather,...to be honest, I'm in a stronger place now than I was years ago.
And yes, many, many times I lived hour to hour, staring at the clock, in survival mode, neglecting a lot because all I could think of was "existing" to live the next day. You will be surprised as you hang around these parts more, to see just how many fellow CP'ers here have your back, will give you freedom and safety to vent, shoulders to cry on, ears to lend....
They've gotten me through some frustrating, angry, scary times,....HW truly is a Family, and we will all reach out.
What are you currently doing to manage your pain?