If you guys are like me you are probably wondering how I am now, LOL. The good news is that I did get the fentanyl every 48hrs and my doctor is committed to keeping me in tolerable pain. I continue to see the hypnotist weekly although I have only been hypnotized twice. We're working on activities that will help my unconscious mind trust the completely-without-fear part of me that has evolved to full flower in my adrenaline seeking. I also had a friend practice using EMDR to remove a very specific symptom of my chronic pain and it's probably been as effective as the fentanyl is on the other pain. Nothing else has touched this particular pain in my shoulder except the EMDR. . .oh, and Salonpas. Those Salonpas patches work way better than any expensive prescript
ion patch or compound medicine. But I found the EMDR shortly after the Salonpas and haven't needed it since. IF I thought my unconscious would accept it I would request EMDR for my whole friggin body! The bad news shall follow in the many pages below this.
First, the masseuse/holistic witch doctor saw me once. Told me to go get a $50 foam roller and that he would email me how to use it and subsequent visits we'd actually do some deep tissue work etc. This was just a 1.5hr meeting discussing my symptoms and possible treatments. It's been 4 weeks and I have not heard from him. I've only emailed a few times as I have been very busy at work. I looked up some youtube videos on how to use the roller and I'm using it with minor success. I must be witch doctor kryptonite or something, they see me once and disappear. I am seriously starting to develop a complex about
Which brings me to work. Among few other things I have done recently I pulled out all the stops and assembled two fairly complicated lasers in a single day. . .I believe the expectation was that it would take several people a few months. Not really what I was hired to do, but hey I can do it and it pays the same so why not? That seems pretty typical about
this new job. They are the least efficient, most poorly run rag tag group of (mostly) Ivy league PhDs one could imagine. I literally ran projects more methodically in junior high. It is ridiculous. I am very ashamed to work there. So anyway the lasers nearly killed me, but people were impressed. That felt pretty good. 18 years of experience, top of my game and pretty highly respected with excellent references from the CEOs of companies where I have worked, multiple money-making patents. . .they canned me. THEY canned ME, that is a blow to the ego. They run solely on government contracts and haven't been winning many, so I'm out. The good news is I get to keep my insurance until the end of the month. Boy am I glad I'm not teetering on the brink with major health issues! The only positive note is my tenure with this company was brief and they had outstanding benefits so my surgery was basically free. It typically takes me 3 months to get a job once I've found a place that wants a me. But companies don't seem to be hiring much and never really do during the holidays, so I may be in for a long, cold, medically unstable and unfunded winter. I also do not want to, and probably cannot afford to, move, but since I am highly specialized it may take a lot longer.
SO yeah, not getting any better over here. The fentanyl almost feels like it isn't working anymore. I get no relief when I put on a new patch. I do get relief when I drink on top of a new patch, but I can barely force myself to have a drink these days, it's just a waste. I suppose that's a good thing, but it used to be something I really enjoyed. The other good thing is we'll be needing the money now anyway. Muscle spasms are now worse in my neck than before surgery. I thought the fishing was helping, but slowly realized that it wasn't, at least not anymore. The last few times I fished it was in a hard collar. As I've said before, I love food, but I could eat three protein bars a day and be fine. I've lost 15lbs. I didn't need to drop any weight, but I am by no means super skinny. Dont care about
food or drink, dont care about
job but do require funding to sustain life.
taking disability. . .my pain doctor believes work is a good thing. That it distracts you from everything that sucks about
this CP. I agree with her, at least for me. But in the same breath she tells me that driving to work (and I have a long commute) is a risk as I am technically under the influence 24/7. And I can barely make a day sitting in a $2k office chair on those drugs. I come home, eat dinner that my wife has fixed during my pre-announced commute, and pass out in my chair, most nights, but always thursday and friday. I didn't go to work today because my neck was thrashed. . .from wearing a tie all day yesterday during an interview. Anyway, I tried to get the CP doc to recommend I go to part time at work. That would have allowed me to keep full-time benefits. But she wouldn't do it. She is definitely not going to disable a 38 year old. I dont think I could live with myself either. There are so many people that have it way worse than me and are out kicking butt. I walk with a limp, but otherwise I look normalish + a frankenstein scar on my neck. They cant even really point to an MRI or xray or anything and say what is wrong. . .which is the predicament of a lot of people here I know. I am really, really suffering, but my work is who I am. It the only thing I do well, and increasingly is nearly the only thing that I can (sort of) do.
All that said it is feeling like a major life change may be necessary. I'm not sure I can do what it is that I do mentally on these heavy drugs. I feel almost like an imposter of myself these days. Taking a job with a company I have never respected, I am still sort of glad I'm doing "grunt work" so I dont have to do a lot of calculations and/or embarrass myself in the process. A major part of my success has been in the lab, and I am not sure that I can continue to stoop over a table and turn knobs all day. I can push myself to do it for 30 minutes at a time, but they tell me I am not supposed to push that hard. It takes all of my will. I'd really like to teach at pretty much any level, but I really do not do well in political organizations. Never have. My sense of humor is an acquired taste. For some (maybe that) reason I make really terrible first impressions on about
50% of humans, the other 50% grow to hate me over time. OK, enough job pondering its a pain forum.
As always I thank you for reading and appreciate any questions or comments.
In summary: What did I just type and why did I use so many commas?
Post Edited (therabidweasel) : 11/25/2014 9:41:45 PM (GMT-7)