Posted 3/12/2014 8:02 PM (GMT -6)
Hi Everyone! Thank you all so much for your kind words, prayers, and positive thoughts - they really do mean alot to me.
People keep telling me that 'it' will get better - well I'm definitely not seeing that yet. I just miss Robert so much. It was a month yesterday that he lost his fight with liver disease and it is just now seriously starting to sink in that he's really gone. He was an amazing man - an amazing person. The world is a much darker place without him in it. We were together for almost 15 years. We went thru a lot together, and I mean a LOT - but we had this deep unconditional love and friendship that nothing could break. It's kinda hard to describe us, we were just.....solid. I'm struggling, I mean REALLY struggling, it feels like I'm just going thru the motions of living - but I'll continue to try and find my way.
Exactly two weeks after Robert died, I swerved to avoid an animal in the road and ran head-on into a tree, totaling my mom's car (our only transportation). I ended up with a shattered collarbone, severe bruising across my chest/abdomen, a small fracture in my left foot, seriously bruised tail-bone, and I further damaged my cervical and lumbar spine (like I really needed that!). The bruising across my lower abdomen has also worsened my A.R.D. - something else I really didn't need. A lot of the damage was caused by the seatbelt, but like the paramedics said, if it wasn't for the seatbelt it would have been ME through the windshield and into the tree, so I'll take the injuries! And the strangest thing happened in the moments after the accident. I was only 'out' for a few seconds, but when I came to, the accelerator was stuck wide open - it sounded like it was going to blow up or something. I wasn't panicking, but I was a bit confused and out of it - I was trying to un-stick the gas pedal, but it wasn't working. All of a sudden, I felt this 'warmth' (only way I can describe it) come over me and I clearly heard Robert tell me, "Baby, just calm down and turn off the ignition." So I did. It was the most amazing thing - no one can tell me that he wasn't there with me. He always worried about me when I drove, probably because I've been in several car accidents - three of them very bad (only this one and one other were my fault!). So it makes sense that he'd be with me in the car.
Ok, didn't mean to ramble! Just please...don't take anyone you love for granted. Never miss an opportunity to tell them and SHOW them that you love them. And thank you again for caring. Right now, I'm feeling pretty alone - with the exception of a few select people, I haven't heard from anyone since the first day or so after Robert died. Friends and family were blowing up my phone during the 11 days he was in a coma - but now, nothing. But I've got my boys and my mom - the heck with the rest of them!