Lately all I can do to hold on is the vague hope that they will eventually figure out why I am in so much constant pain.
I really don't know how to begin...maybe it was that car running me over while bicycling to work on base back in 89, maybe it was an injury to my lower back when someone called "attention on deck" while I was in metal shop...maybe, maybe, maybe...
All I know is that my knee has been unstable since I was run over and thrown off my bike and thru the air...I incurred many falls, mostly going up or down a set of stairs. Things just got worse, eventually both knees hurt worse and worse. And when I "threw out" my back, well it cause me to lose feelings in my legs for a few days (I followed the advise of a chiropractor and got up and by shifting my hips I shuffled, shuffled, shuffled, down the hall since it seemed that that traction belt kept making it worse - maybe shuffling is the only reason I regained feeling in my legs!). Since then I've thrown out my back here and there, but the slightly numb spot near the outer edge of the top of my thigh never bothered me much. But the back going out caused excruciating pain!
Then I took a bad fall due to the knee giving out (again) and falling brought forward my other leg, bringing my foot down like a hammer trying to keep myself from taking another painful fall. It felt like a chicken bone cracking, snapping, crunching each time the foot "punched" the ground. The ankle was swollen like a balloon in no time. X-ray results simply stated "possible hairline fracture". The f/u Dr. kept sending me off to return after 6 weeks ea. time. I got upset (I couldn't even touch the foot without screaming at this point, the swelling had not gone down at all, was even worse at times) and demanded to be helped after months of this. Then sent across the hall to a physiatrist, I was immediately put into PT (shock hot vs. cold, etc. to "reset" and "desensitize" the foot). The ankle has been unstable since that accident.
Then during recovery, attempting to get on crutches (was in a chair at this point as pain and not being stable didn't really help with mobility), my X kicked the crutches from under me in a drunken fit.
Since then I am in total hell...it felt like my back was snapping, incontinent since that day, pain that won't stop, the "slightly numb" area is now taking up the whole upper thigh area from hip to slightly below the knee (it slowly seems to increase), often it feels completely numb atop, but underneath it feels like someone pouring scolding water over it (forget that "shock or electricity feeling - I've been "shocked" and it's nothing like that, although during the not so painful times it has a strange tingling, almost like going to sleep to it!). My knee and leg are still constantly swollen, I've been gaining weight due to the mobility issues, the pain has increased to a level where I begged for help at the VA (the physiatrist there did lovely electric needle tests that made me want to kill her) and I as put on gabapentin. If it wasn't for the gabapentin "taking off the edge"...I would truly be dead by now. The pain keeps me from sleeping, every few days I am so exhausted that I will "nod" off anywhere, anyplace for a few moments (dangerous!). Stress makes the pain so extreme, I literally think of ways to "end it"...only the slim hope created by that Dr. who prescribed that gabapentin is keeping me alive at this point (her words, to be exact, "it could last for ever, or, it could just out of the blue, someday, stop like it never existed, I don't know"...) and I am scared that one day I just won't be able to take it any more. How can any pain in my body (even banging my elbow!) start such a chain reaction of escalating pain that will make me feel like my body is trying to contract into a tiny ball of yarn, muscles pulling in so tight that they feel like they are tearing, pain so excruciating, it takes my breath away!???? I don't understand how even seemingly unrelated pain can cause a snowball reaction like that! I feel like I am in a constant nightmare and I just can't wake up.
Oh, sure, I put on a "smiley face" most of the time, and I have over the years (since 2007) learned to try and "distract myself" as to not dwell on the pain (making me oh so much more aware of it!). But when there is no distraction (like at night, or when I just want some "quiet study time" - I am trying to get my associates in med. off. admin), when there is too much stress, I feel like I am in the middle of the inquisition, strapped to the wheel... Some days it's so hard to smile, I just try to stay away from people. I feel like I am losing myself, like I don't have nothing much to smile about
any longer. Being in a chair has also caused severe carpal tunnel (I always thought that one was a "myth" until I woke up with pain in my hands, trying desperately to "shake it away"!). Now on top of being in pain "at the lower end", my hands either hurt too much or get too numb and I drop (and drop and drop) things all the time (very frustrating). I am (or was) a very good typist, now I can't focus due to pain, I find I have to "backspace" so much to correct typos due to stiff and numb fingers. As if the pain in the legs isn't bad enough! There are too many conflicting diagn. (fracture of vertebrae, then again, no fracture, fused *** - here followed by some vertebra number, but often seems to indicate "arthritis"...overall, it seems to me the cause is pretty unclear and "shady").
All I know is that I can't sleep, can't focus, have pain causing my legs to look like they go into what I jokingly refer to as "polio-like muscle seizures", definitely no joking matter at the time, though. I know that the gabapentin seems to be affecting my ability to think straight (or maybe I need to add hallucinations to the symptoms, lol?), I am tired of the constant pain that at times is so bad I'd rather be dead...and I feel like the med. profession thinks I am nuts (or "faking it"). I don't want to end up dead, but where and how do I get this sorted out??? [Sorry so long-winded!]
Post Edited By Moderator (nvrthesame98) : 7/29/2014 6:37:09 AM (GMT-6)