Hey Y'all...Thank you for your kind responses. It means a great deal to me that y'all would share your experiences with me. Yes, I am new to this sight, but I am NOT NEW to physical and emotional suffering. I hit the "highlights" in my signature, because I didn't want to belabor the point. I have soldiered this path with boots on the ground for most of my life...even when I was face down in my own vomit (for 3 years post-gastric bypass). Q...
You will find that I'm not a "marshmallow world" kind of gal, either. I appreciate your candor. I also appreciate the "coping skills" suggestions of others. I've done it all, believe me...PT, PFT, injections, chemotherapy, tumor-suppressing meds, 4 surgeries (no HRT or add-back allowed) chiropractor, traction, TENS, biofeedback, cognitive therapy, visualization...wailing and gnashing of teeth. I am the master of distraction. I've spun all of the proverbial plates to keep the façade of "all is well". I'm the one who's called in a crisis...but rarely just to say "hello, how are you?" That applies to FAMILY, neighbors, community, pastor, church family, et al. I have no doubt that I'm "needed"... I simply want to be wanted...just to sit and talk, laugh and/or cry, share both trials and triumphs. I need a wing man, but am forced to fly solo.
I've laid in a hospital bed near death more times than I can count, completely ALONE. I've yet to experience the cinematic surroundings of loved ones at my bedside, in a room exploding with flowers and cheerful balloons. My darkest times have been in the glare of harsh fluorescent lighting (which I loathe) where on a good day, I lay flat of my back (incision from breast bone to pubic bone) and counted the perforations in the ceiling tile, to "distract" myself from the pain and hopelessness. I ordered flowers and cheer baskets for myself so that at least my room (and I) didn't appear so desolate. Pathetic, right? You ask "where was your husband?" I'll save that for another conversation. You ask "where was your family?". This wasn't an OOPS isolated incident...this was always...and every time I have been hospitalized. I made excuses for their absence because I couldn't face the truth. I had/have devoted my life to family, yet that devotion is not reciprocated.