You mention that your will to live is waning.
I can empathize with feeling as though your flame of life feels like softly glowing embers remaining after a campfire.
I also struggle with the emotional toll of chronic illness. The physical toll of chronic illness impacts my emotional wellbeing. I used to consider myself to be fairly resilient but now feel that I run a fundamental emotional deficit. The question becomes: How to recharge ine's emotional batteries?
Talk therapy is not beneficial for me. It only magnifies the experiences that were the basis of my PTSD.
I do find benefit in developing my spiritual awareness and presence, placing faith in God/Higher Power. Sometimes I just have to place faith in a source that is greater than me.
Do you have a pet? I have a tea cup Maltese that means the world to me. A companion pet offers unconditional love and a purpose outside of yourself. I credit the love and indominable sport of my little Maltese for seeing me through many a difficult time. I often feel out of place when with people that are otherwise healthy and living full lives - a bystander. When I am with Molly, I feel complete and whole. I wonder if a companion pet might help elevate your emotional state and well-being?
My little Maltese, Molly, is such an integral part of my life that she has been allowed to stay with me in the hospital (even ICU). Molly always lets me know that I am A-OK. When she looks at me, eyes light up like a bright sun beam and her tail wags with open acceptance. And in the moment, the world is a better place. If you do not have a pet, consider adopting one. The love and bond with a pet can be genuinely life affirming.
I agree with Susie not to discount the benefit of a Baclofin pump. Moderate to severe spasticity can wreck havoc on the musculoskeletal system. Your inability to lie flat may be due, in part, to unchecked spasticity and tethering of the causal equine nerve roots. Dampened spasticity can bring to life muscle function that has been shrouded by overly spastic muscles. You may have muscle and joint function not fully realized due to overwhelming spasticity that overbearing. Baclofin may unleash your better potentials. Keep an open mind.
Sending you friendship and understanding,
- Karen + Molly
Pituitary failure, wide-spread endocrine dysfunction
Mixed connective tissue disorder
Extensive intestinal perforation with sepsis, permanent ileostomy
Avascular necrosis of both hips and jaw
Receiving Palliative Care (care and comfort)