Posted 8/6/2007 6:28 PM (GMT -7)
Yes, feelings of depression, loss, sadness, etc are all totally normal. Not that it makes it any easier to accept these feelings, but they are part of the CP load. Your "old self" is missing, that feeling of well-being, of trust in your body, the care-free days of jumping out of bed & greeting the day w/o the constant pain reminding you that you no longer can "just do that" anymore...
I had a class of 23 students, bright & beautiful 2nd graders whom I dearly loved & enjoyed each day...then on Oct 23 my tumor caused sudden & excrutiating sciatic pain--out of the blue!-- & a week later I had my 1st laminectomy, then the 2nd surgery 2 weeks later, bigger more invasive, leaving permanent disabilities...I never went back to school this year, gave up my class to a sub, couldn't even get out of bed until January....plucked from the land of the "well & whole" and deposited into the land of the infirm, OVERNIGHT....no warning, no preparation (the assignments were on the blackboard for the next day!) no "good-byes" to my class....so yes, depression (in may case anyway) set in & I was not surprised by it, nor did I wonder about it. I am still not myself, 7 months later now, & I think there is a NEW "self" somewhere waiting for me, but I have not yet discovered it. I am in the process of finding it, thru the medications, the treatments, the different modalities I'm trying...not to ever recapture that previous self, but to become comfortable with some yet-unfound "new" self, with CP, with limitations, with adjustments but I do believe it is out there, waiting & that I can learn to live a good life in spite of all this...
It takes time, more time than I've yet given to it. The CP wears me out still. It is pervasive, ever present, tiring....all the constant little accommodations I must devote to it each day, all day....takes energy away from the delight in just living from sunrise to sunset each day. BUT...and here's the "but": it could be so much worse. I am happy it is not worse. I may not be better (yet) but I am not worse! Yet! :) Or ever, hopefully!
I hope your Indy storms have passed over by now! I live along Lake Michigan, so I know how fast they form! Be at peace tonight, know that others understand and care. We're in this together; I hurt tonight, but others hurt more. Doesn't take away from my pain (or yours) but knowing how bad it could be (knowing how bad is was...) does afford a little comfort.
I enjoy your thoughts! Take good care of yourself! Let your mind follow your body...and listen to your body. There is great wisdom there.
Have a peaceful night!
2 lumbar surgeries for L4-L5-S1 cystic tumor & post-surgical CSF leak complications. (Fall of '06). Central canal stenosis, severe degnerative arthrosis, grade 1 (21% shift) spondylolisthesis @ L5-S1 area, sensory & nerve function loss & radiculopathy in r leg/foot, on-going facet pain, sacral/illiac pain, lots of epidural fibrosis @ L5/S1.