Posted 8/26/2007 8:53 PM (GMT -7)
Okay guys (and gals) I have come to a point in my life where I am utterly confused.
I have been out of work since December due to my hysterectomy. Now my chemo is almost done, and that will be over. Then comes the task of going back to work. Which I dread, because I don't meet the physical requirements for being a nurse. You have to be able to lift 50lbs frequently, and move patients up to 500-600 pounds MANUALLY. I can not lift more than a gallon of milk without pain. I have to bend, squat, lift patients up in bed, etc. Just standing more than 5 minutes, or sitting more than 2 minutes causes me severe, burning pain in my back. I have 4 herniated discs, with anular tears causing the pain. I have spinal stenosis, osteoarthritis, and I was told by my surgeon that I will be in severe pain the rest of my life and go to pain management. I've been in pain management for 2.5 years, and I'm now on Morphine every 8 hours, and every 6 hours if needed. That's nearly 400 mg a day.
I also have severe asthma, and severe chemical sensitivities, lupus, severe migraines (>15 month) which put me out of commission, and have most recently seen a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with PTSD due to being sexually abused as a child. He suggested disability, and he's whose got me thinking hard about it. I have severe depression, since my teenage years, and severe anxiety/social phobia.
What bothers me on a daily basis is the chronic, nagging, put-me-out-of-my-misery pain in my back; asthma that has me on my nebulizer to breath a few times a day, and migraines that make me nauseated and vomit all night and leave me unable to think and I lay in a freezing cold room with a washcloth over my head and silence. Those three things are the absolute worse, and I feel like "if it's not one thing, it's another".
I know I am leaving something out, but I can't think right now. Oh, I forgot to mention, being a nurse, I am not allowed to work while on narcotics. Doesn't matter what they're for, you're in violation of the state practice act if you do and they can revoke your license. They let nurses with multiple personality disorder work, and they let epileptic nurses work (nothing wrong with either of these diagnoses, just pointing out that once you are stable, why can't you work?). So I am between a rock and a hard place.
I talked to an attorney today to start my divorce. He has been sending threatening text messages and causing me a lot of grief. He is very abusive. He is trying to take my kids away (5 and 6 year old) and I am scared out of my wits. Some days it's all I can do to get off the couch to make them something to eat, but that's why I caved and moved in with my parents so they can help. Well, he's got a lawyer filing for full custody because I am an unfit mother and unable to care for them.You don't know how angry this makes me. I have paid his health insurance for the past 5 years, since we separated, he's never paid me a dime in child support, and he only sees the kids once a week. He's too busy with his new girlfriends and her two kids. My parents have bent over backwards for my kids. If it weren't for them, I'm sure we'd be homeless living in a shelter, because I have used up all my savings and all my 401k. I am broke. All I have are my children, and I couldn't live without them. I'm not thinking suicidal here, so please don't delete this. I am just trying to paint a picture of what I have been going through. I am a wreck, mentally and physically.
I don't know what to do. I feel terrible mooching off my parents. I feel like a loser. I can't provide for my children, and after all I have done for my soon-to-be-ex, he wants to take my kids away to make a family with his new girlfriend and her two kids. I am just heartbroken. I am the one who worked afternoons my whole life so I could be home with my children and then still be with them at night. He was at work all day. I have taken them to all their doctor's appointments, taken off work when they're sick (he's too busy at work), put band-aids on their boo-boos, paid for their health insurance and paid for their house, and their school, and everything, all without a dime from Mr Jerk. So I feel really violated that he thinks he can swoop in and file for full custody.
This, on top of being on chemo, and thinking about disability, and all this junk, has really gotten to me. I just feel so kicked down and I feel like no one understands.
I just had to get that off my chest. It's been brewing in my mind for days now, and it's making me nuts. Any and all opinions welcome.