OT...but I need to vent!!!

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Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 169
   Posted 8/28/2007 5:29 PM (GMT -6)   
OMG I am so angry!!! My soon-to-be-ex called and told me he was moving up north about 3 hours away. His g/f has a house that's paid for, and he said he doesn't want to take the kids this year, but he WILL want to have full custody NEXT school year. I HAVE BEEN THE ONE CARING FOR THEM FROM BIRTH!!! Me and MY FAMILY. He said, he wants this school year to take them during all their school breaks and for the WHOLE SUMMER!!!!! What time does that leave me other that doing the every day stuff, which kills my back, packing their lunches, packing their back packs, helping them with their homework, cooking them dinner and breakfast, making sure their brush their teeth, taking them to the doctor, the allergist, the pulmonologist, to therapy, to speech therapy, to dance, then bathing them and getting them ready for bed. Taking care of them when they're sick. Doing all this in between my five or six doctor appointments a week. Take care of their nightmares in the middle of the night, and snuggle with them till they feel safe and can go back to sleep. And repeating this 5 days a week. So he can take them every weekend. I'll never be able to take them anywhere, and to our annual trips we always take. How can he think this is fair to me?? He said he wants the kids to have a family (his g/f has two kids) and I said they already have a family. I have been the one, from birth, to care for them, take off work when they were sick, take them to their appointments, etc. I got up with them in the middle of the night. His answer" Oh I have to work tomorrow." WELL DUH SO DID I!!! WHY IS HE SO IMPORTANT??? Oh I am just so angry. NO way will I sign for this on a divorce decree. I feel like I have just been hit by a mack truck. I am devestated. How often to judges allow the father to take away kids from the mother who has supported them since birth? I mean, I paid their 700 dollar health insurance for which he never paid a dime, I took them to all their docors appointments, I did EVERYTHING. He's abusive, controlling, and he smacked my daughter as punishment for talking back to him. I made an call to DCFS. Nothing happened, of course. Why is smacking a 6 year old face an acceptable behavior???? Sigh. I am so upset right now, I am not used to legal system, I don't know anyone divorced to ask how custody goes. I KNOW nothing. I am so afraid he will take he kids 3 hours away from me. They have a better environment here. Her friends are here, her therapy is here. I also just found out yesterday she has a problem with her eye which will need surgery, and I am doing exercises with her every 6 hours. Gee, who took her to that? He only works 15-20 hours a week and then complaining he has no money. He has no money cause he's too busy buying more Vicodin off the street. What can I do to get my kids away from this maniaac???? I am so scared. Does the mother often lose custody??? HE says he will win custody because of my cancer and I'm undergoing chemo and also that I have to take "super strong narcotics" that "dope me up and put the kids at risk" and those things make me an unfit mother!!!! WTH??? I am never "out of it", I have my parents with me 24/7, and they see nothing wrong but me suffering from pain and cancer. Please someone, anyone, can you calm me down. I am so afraid of losing my kids. I love them so very much. Any words of advice?

I tell you, I am at my wits end. Between the pain never letting up, and having to worry about my kids being taken away from me. I am just such a wreck.

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 189
   Posted 8/28/2007 5:47 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey RehabNurse:  First, stop and take a very deep breath.  Second, find an attorney!  I don't know a lot about how the legal system works for divorces but I do have several friends who are divorced.  I truly don't think that any judge in the world will let him have full custody because you have cancer.  That is absurd!  But....you need to have a consult with an attorney.  Yes, unfortunately, that will probably cost some money.  But, it will be money well spent.  Sit down with an attorney for an hour or two and find out what your rights are, what you should do, etc.  You keep your cool!  You don't want to do anything that he can eventually use against you.  Don't get into screaming matches with him.  Don't stoop to his level.  Always remember that the kids are right smack in the middle and you don't want to make it worse on them.  Let him threaten you but just know that you have rights and unless he can prove, without any doubt, that you have put your children in harm's way, you will not lose custody.  There are many different arrangement that can happen.  You can get physical custody while you both share joint custody, you can completely share custody (where the kids stay with you one week, then him one week - which would be unrealistic if he is 3 hours away), etc.  What you want to do, though, is not lose control.  Don't let him intimidate you.
Write everything that he says down, record any conversations that you can, and do exactly as your attorney tells you.  If the attorney tells you to let him have the kids for the weekend, then do it.  What you want to be able to prove is that you are doing your best to try to work this out.  You want to be able to show a judge that you are putting your children's well-being ahead of your own emotions.  Are y'all still married?  If you are, hire a private investigator to prove that he is being unfaithful (even if you are separated), to prove that he doesn't hold a full-time job, to prove that he is buying drugs illegally, etc.   You need evidence that he is not fit to have the children full time.
Anyway, I am certainly not a lawyer but I just wanted to tell you to not stress out so much.  Right now, it doesn't sound like he has a legal leg to stand on.  You living with your parents should actually help you - that shows that you have an awesome support system and that your children are able to bond with their extended family.
Hang in there, girl.  Take care of yourself and don't let him get to you.  Write if you need to - I am here to help if I can!
DX:  Migraines since June, 2006, kidney stones
RX:  Daily - Verapamil, Trileptal
PRN:  Relpax, Prednisone, Dilaudid, Lortab, Lidocaine Nasal Spray

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 16796
   Posted 8/28/2007 9:01 PM (GMT -6)   

Rehab Nurse,

Momof3 is right. First of all, I think the jerk did  just what he wanted to do and that was to yank your chain. He knows the best way to get your attention is thru the children.You must pull yourself together here and set down and put your own plan of attack in place.

First let me say this, from working with attys all of my working years been thru a couple of divorces myself, the 1st one did involve children. It is extremely, extremely difficult to prove a parent unfit. It just not as simple as it seems, having cancer is not in the realm of being an unfit mother. He has the definition of unfit incorrect. Children are awarded to their mothers at a much higher rate than they are to a father. Mothers can offer and do more than the average male when it comes to a child. Women are nuturers, men are not. Sorry guys.

You definetly need to consult with an atty to discuss your rights. Each state has their own set of rules they go by, find out. It would be good money spent well.

Since you do have cancer, I wonder how he would like for a judge to order him to pay you temporary maintenance, in addition to child support. By the way, is he paying you anything for the children. Make a list of any item he buys or pays for concerning the children. Keep a log of your expenses with the children.

Why is he only working a few hours a week? And he thinks he can get custody. He is pushing all the right buttons with you my friend and knows it. Now you know it, do something about it. Do not take any of this laying down.

Taking the children every weekend is unreasonable. Its not your problem he says he is broke all the time. No judge wants to hear about him taking and staying shacked up with his girlfriend for the weekend with his children there, remind him of that.

Please get thicker skinned when it comes to dealing with AH. Getting yourself all worked up and stressed out will not help you physicaly at all, I imagine right now you are wound up tighter than dicks hat band and in alot of pain from those muscles. He is not worth it.

Do not let him threaten you or may you feel threatened in any way. If I can think of anything else I will post it-but you don't have to worry about a thing concerning your kids. Hugs, Susie


Forum Moderator

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 9255
   Posted 8/28/2007 9:46 PM (GMT -6)   
Oh girlfriend....try to relax. Just because he WANTS all of these things doesn't mean he's going to get them. You can get legal help even if you don't have a dime. Get on the phone.

Co-Mod Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Forums
Fibromyalgia, Ulcerative Colitis, Insulin dependent diabetic, collapsed disk, dermatitis herpetiformus, osteo arthritis in spine and other locations.

The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits. Albert Einstein: (1879-1955)

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 169
   Posted 8/28/2007 11:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks guys for the quick responses. You made me calm down. I am terrible when it comes to my emotions. See, I have PTSD and anxiety/panic along with depression, and have been terribly physically/mentally/emotionally abused. SO I tend to overreact to the littlest things.

I left my abusive husband 4 years ago. To this day, he paid me 100 dollars ONCE. Nothing else, no money for the children, no money for me. To top it off, I've had to carry him on my insurance, because otherwise my kids would not both be covered. So he's greatly benefited off injections, back surgeries, pain meds, and all kinds of other treatments cause I paid 700 dollars a month when I worked and now pay 1000 bucks a month on COBRA. He hasn't paid a dime for that either. If I bring it up, he just starts screaming at me.

My parents didn't believe he was such a user/abuser. Now that he's threatening this with the kids, they are ready to step in. Thanks mom. eyes So I called Legal Aid, on Monday, and I am waiting for a lawyer to call as they said I was approved. They also said that I should re-apply for food stamps, as I should have been approved the first time.

He called me today to say he was quitting his job and was moving up north with his g/f (who lives 3 hours away) and that he would want to see them every weekend (he does see them every weekend now, but I have them all week). Actually most of the time "something" comes up and he can see them only for a few hours on one day, so Istarted keeping track a few weeks ago. I wish I would have kept track all these years. Will the judge not believe me if I tell him these things, like about the insurance? OR about not paying anything for the kids? NO clothes. No medicines. (And they are on over 300 a month on medicines). He doesn't take them to any appointments to the dentists, to the doctors, to the eye doctor (now shes got an eye disorder and I had to buy 340 dollar glasses), and take her to her therapist every week. He doesn't do crap. He wants to take them all summer so they can be with their "half sisters", and their "new family". I am so ANGRY. He took them camping a few weeks, and my daughter (she's very smart) told me "daddy was making such funny noises with miss X and they were so loud I couldn't sleep". They all slept in one tent and they HAD SEX in front of the kids!!! WTH??!!! These are young children. Am I the only one who thinks that is totally inappropriate behavior? Is it acceptable that he has a fiancee who he's planning to move in with while he's still married to me??? I mean, I know its been a long time, but just a few months ago he was asking me to get back with him.

Oh guys, I am just so upset. I have calmed down with a dose of my Ativan. I am in therapy myself to help cope with my emotions. I have struggled with my emotions my whole life, and a lot of it is the PTSD. It has ruined any chance of my ever having a normal relationship. I know some of you were asking why I was thinking of a boyfriend at a time like this, but it was brought up by my psychiatrist. He always asks if I think I am deserving of a boyfriend, and I tell him no. And then I have to hear the "I'm so great" speech. I only care about my children, and I want them to have the best life ever. I want to be the best mom I can under these extreme circumstances of being ill and in pain. THey are very understanding and they help "take care of me". They are the greatest and I don't know what I would do without them. THey are my everything.

Thanks guys for helping me talk about this. It really is very difficult for me. So thanks.

Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 38
   Posted 8/28/2007 11:43 PM (GMT -6)   
You have received some good advice.  I am a hot line counselor for a womens crisis center.  My advice through experience is this.....your emotional reaction to this situation is exactly what he is banking on and hopes you will lose it through the entire process and he will be able to keep it factual and under control as that is what controling men do.  Journal your emotional feelings every day and keep them under wraps.  The less emotional you are , the less power you give him.  Keep the entire process factual and don't show him any emotion.  He knows how to push your buttons to make you react in a defensive way.  Remember this.................no matter what happens your kids will remember who put them to bed at night, sat by their bed all night when they were sick, and made them the first priority over your own needs.  I guarantee you one day they will thank you for being there for them.

Stella Marie
Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 601
   Posted 8/29/2007 12:47 AM (GMT -6)   

Dear Rehab Nurse,

The forum members above have just posted some excellent advice.  What a great team they are!  Now more than ever you need to calm down.  If you allow yourself to become angry and end up having an emotional meltdown where you do or say things that you will regret in the future, you will be feeding directly into his hands and end up proving some misguided statement he is probably making about you.   I went through a divorce when my daughter was 3.  Like your husband, mine seemed to have a problem remembering where his wedding ring was all the time.  Once we were divorced, he went through a string of very young women.  My daughter is now finishing a graduate degree and is extremely well adjusted.  She not only survived his antics she is well adjusted and can look back a laugh at some of his crazy behavior.

You have to remember that he is their father.  He will also be a part of both their  and your lives for years to come.  As much as we would like to erase their name from our children’s birth certificates, they are their fathers.  I am sure with good legal counsel you will be able to gain custody.  In looking back at everything I went though, I think it is very important to remember that the disagreement is between you and the soon to be ex-husband.  Do not make the mistake of placing your children in the middle of this battle ground.  As much as I hated my ex-husband for the humiliation he put me through and how he basically drained my bank accounts, I forced him to make an agreement with me.  It was the hardest thing I ever did, but in the long run it was the best.  I told him that I would never run him down or make negative comments about him or his life style in front of the children and ask that he show the same respect for me.  . No matter how much you dislike like him right now, the two of you did decide to bring children into the world and both have responsibilities as parents.  I hated sharing holidays and vacations, but the hard cold fact is that you will be for the next 18 years.  You will also be sharing school activities, sports, achievements, etc.  My ex was hardly the model for parent of the year, but he was still the father.  You are going to find out over time that no matter how bitter you are and no matter what thoughtless things that they do, children will seek out both parents.  I never pointed out my ex’s faults or short comings to my children.  I would just say you know you father.  As long as they are safe with him and not in harm’s way, the court is going to mandate some type of visitation.  After all safety issues are addressed, your children will have more respect for you in the end.  My prayers are with you and your children.  Always take the high road and do the right thing. 

Stella Marie

Dx:  Rare progressive neurodegenerative disease called Multiple System Atrophy (brain rot, autonomic system failure, neuropathic pain and a whole lot more).  Added improvements:  Intrathecal pump and a spinal cord stimulator..

 Medications: Sinemet, Requip, Klonopin, Baclofen, Provigil, Lyrica, Fentanyl patches, Lidoderm patches, Dilaudid, Fentora and Zofran

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 189
   Posted 8/29/2007 7:27 AM (GMT -6)   
Good Morning ReHabNurse:  Stella Marie is correct - you will always be their mom and he will always be their dad.  My parents divorced when I was 2 years old.  I am now 42 - that is 40 stinkin' years.  My dad died 5 years ago and until the day he died (and even now), my mom has never said one kind word about him.  Vice versa for him while he was alive.  Guess who that hurt?  Not each other!!!!  It only hurt me!  And, guess what else??  I still loved both of them.  As an adult, I was truly able to see that both of them had their faults and both of them had their good points.  Even though my mom told me over and over what a scumbag my dad was, I still (and continue to) love him and I love her.  Truthfully, now I just resent the hell out of both of them putting me in the middle for years and years. 
Just remember that even though you hate his guts,  your children are children and this isn't their fight.  If they hear you bad mouthing him or vice versa, they will feel bad if they don't do the same or if they even say anything nice.  I always tried to never say anything good about one parent in front of the other.  How sad is that?????
Girl, if you have to be angry, do what Mexxi suggested and journal your anger - don't verbalize it in front of the kids.  Please take Stella's example and "play nice" in front of the kids.  I assure you that he wants you to react angrily to everything he is doing.  Things like telling you that he wants the kids to spend more time "with their half sister" is said just to get you going.  Any judge is going to look at him living with the g/f before you are divorced and ??????  Take a deep breath, start writing all of this down, in chronological order, keep copies of checks (by the way, never pay for anything for the kids, insurance, doctors, etc. with cash - always leave a paper trail so that a judge can see real evidence), receipts, have the doctor document in the kids' charts who accompanied them to the appointment, etc.  Also, keep receipts for groceries, meds, power bills, etc.  Just try to document what percentage of the household finances are being spent on the kids.  I know it sounds crazy to say what you are paying for your own kids, but the judge needs to see concrete proof.
Anyway, Stella and Mexi can give you better advice.  I can only pull from my own experience as a child and from the experience of my friend who was married to a crazy woman and who dragged him through all sorts of mud.  I knew for a fact that she was telling lies but without concrete proof, it didn't matter.
We are all thinking about you.  Please let us know how you are doing.  Be strong and know that you must stay calm and approach this just like you would approach taking care of a patient - very deliberately!
DX:  Migraines since June, 2006, kidney stones
RX:  Daily - Verapamil, Trileptal
PRN:  Relpax, Prednisone, Dilaudid, Lortab, Lidocaine Nasal Spray

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 1185
   Posted 8/29/2007 8:21 AM (GMT -6)   
I can absolutely sympathize with you. My ex pulled the same stunt, trying to use the "unfit to care" for thing because of my back. When I took that statement to my attorney, she laughed. She told me that is something that is thrown at others as a scare tactic. She said it takes a whole lot to remove children from their present environment, whether it be with the mom or the dad. If YOU have them, and YOU are taking care of them, and they are well, YOU are the one likely to retain custody.

It's likely that he knows exactly how to hurt you, by saying he wanted custody. I did a ton of research when I went through my divorce, and standards are that he gets visitation every other weekend, time during summer, and alternating holidays. If he is taking them every single weekend, and you want to have one..tell him that. Good advice to document everything. Each weekend they spend with him, what their mood is when they leave, when they come home, what he says to you. Take it all to an attorney.

As their father, he certainly has rights to see his children, and help raise them. But he does NOT have the right to jerk you around and cause this type of mental pain for you. I didn't catch the ages of your children, but most states have an age where the children have input on where they want to live.

I hope you hang on, and be strong. You WILL get through this!!!
I'm not procrastinating----I'm still doing yesterday!!!! 
I have no medical training, any medical opinions expressed in my posts are just that....opinions.

Co-Moderator for : Chronic Pain, Fibro

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