About me. My story

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this is my life
New Member

Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/29/2007 2:05 AM (GMT -6)   
I have been reading posts all day and so many of you have the same problems I do.
My pain started when I was a teen ager. I am 46 now.
I would have arm or leg pain for seemingly no reason. I rememeber my Dr. came out to my house and gave me a shot of some pain med because my arm hurt. We never found out why.
I have always been overweight. I am almost 6 ft tall and have been that tall since 6th grade.
In my teens I developed headaches and agoraphobia/anxiety and panic attacks.
I quit school because I couldnt handle it all. I was almost sent to a foster home because the counselor told my mom I was nothing but a trouble maker. Somehow my mom didnt do it. Thank God.
Because of my anxiety and panic I started my own cleaning business at 19. It was easy because I didnt have to deal with many people during the day. I did that for 18 years +.
My family Dr. told me to get out of the business because it was too hard on me and I was developing arthritis.
I was uneducated so I still cleaned and had a newspaper job. I lived at home till I was 32 with my mom. I met and married my husband at 33 and have been married since.
I have 1 12 year old daughter.
In my last years of cleaning houses I fell. It was like one of those falls in the movies. My legs when out from under me and I landed on my neck and back on the steps. I never went to the Dr.  But ever since then my neck has hurt. It started slowly. The air conditioning inthe car would trigger pain. My period would trigger pain. I would have a bad flair up 3 to 4 times a year. As the years went by my pain flairs increased. I started on my first pain medicine Hydocodone when I was 20 something.
Now Im 46. I am in constant   pain. It took me years to get the pain medicine I am on now. Drs. would not believe me. I was called a drug seeker etc. I am on 50 mg oxycontin timed released. Oxycodone for breakthru.
zanaflex  and  kolonapin.. I have only been on those for the last 3 years. All those years I suffered and was in the ER a lot. Waiting for some help . Suffering and it seemed like they took as long as they wanted to get me in to see a DR. after all pain wont kill you Right? HUH!
I have ruined the life of those around me. My husband doesnt have a wife. My daughter doesnt have a mom.
I dont have a life. I cant work and have been denied Social Security 4 times.
I believe that all the years of untreated pain has made me so much worse than I would have been with some help and compassion. 
I also have almost constant headaches. IBS, Pain in my arms especially around my period. I am in peri menopause and have my hormones totally messed up. I have ostio arthritis in my back, wrist knees and back. I have scoliosis. Im sure I spelled that wrong..... crooked spine.........I have been told I have fibromyalgia. I ache all over about half the month like I have the worst flu of my life.
I cant do cleaning around my house without a bad pain flair and even fun things like camping are almost out of the question. I have ruined many a trip somewhere because I hurt....
What is the worst is that the Drs. dont believe me and I try so hard not to take pain medicine. It constipates me really bad and I am developing an ulcer from it. I hate it so much but I hate the pain even more. I cant take anti inflamitory medicines because of my stomach.
I am sad all the time. My friend, Not sure you can really call her a friend, doesnt have a clue about what I am going through.
I see a counsleor 1 time a month. My insurance wont let me see one more often. He is great but 1 time a month is a joke.
I feel so alone. I wanna die. I really do... My daughter is the only thing that  keeps me going. She needs me.
Even if I am only 1/4  of what I could / should be.

Im not sure if reading all of your posts has helped me to day. Its like it has only brougt my reality into a clearer focus.
I hate my reality.
There is so much more to tell. Maybe later.
Thank you if you read what I wrote. 

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 9145
   Posted 8/29/2007 10:56 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi life and welcome to our family here! Your story is very sad but not unlike many stories of others here. I too live in constant pain, feel like I'm not a true wife to my hubby. I lost my son to suicide 7 years ago and didn't care if I lived or not. But you know what??? I DO want to live even tho I live in pain and with a broken heart.

You have a lot of wonderful things going in your life. You have a husband and child who obviously love you. You have health insurance which many here don't have. You have medications for your pain. Thousands of people who need it can't get it.

Are you on antidepressants? Does your doctor know how you feel? You need to tell him your feelings inside. If you're having trouble with constipation go to the drug store and get some generic stool softener. That really helps. It's cheap.

You talk about not wanting to live...do you have any idea what life would be like for those you would leave behind? I can tell you it's living hell. They love you. That means thru the good times AND bad. Your glass is 1/2 full not 1/2 empty. You have so much to live for. Take my hand and I'll show you a life worth living.

Co-Mod Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Forums
Fibromyalgia, Ulcerative Colitis, Insulin dependent diabetic, collapsed disk, dermatitis herpetiformus, osteo arthritis in spine and other locations.

The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits. Albert Einstein: (1879-1955)

Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 38
   Posted 8/29/2007 11:54 AM (GMT -6)   

Powerful posts............thisis my life................as you can see the people here are dedicated to helping others and that includes you.  talking about it helps so much so continue to post.  IT is obvious that Chutz is answering you from her heart so please take her advice.  Please take one day at a time and you HAVE to give thanks for the good things in your life .  It has helped me live with pain. 

Chutz, no words can say how I feel about what you have been through.  I almost came very close to losing my son to suicide many years ago.  I won't pretend to know what you feel but sharing your feelings after such a loss will help others in this room.  You are very brave and I admire you.

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 189
   Posted 8/29/2007 12:18 PM (GMT -6)   

Chutz:  you are an inspiration to us all.  I certainly won't try to say that I can understand what you have been through but want you to know that I so appreciate you sharing your story just to help others.  I read all of the posts on here and always feel guilty that I am on here complaining about "only" migraine pain when others have it so much worse.  I think the reason I continue to be on here is because all of you are such inspiring people - you are all really amazing!

thisismylife - please hang in there.  I promise you that there is some of your story that I can absolutely relate to.  I suffer with migraines and I, too, feel so guilty on the days that I can't get out of the bed to get my children out the door to school.  Today was one of those days - woke up with a horrid migraine and could barely get up to kiss them goodbye.  They try to be understanding but I know that they must get sick of me being sick. 

I can also completely relate to the issues with your meds.  I feel like half the world must feel like I am a drug-seeker.  No one has ever said anything to me but I think I am just so sensitive to that.  I will say what I have said on here many times - I am a drug seeker when I have a migraine.  I want whatever it takes to get my pain to go away!  Until someone walks in your shoes, they have no idea what you are going through.  I am fortunate that my neurologist's wife suffers with migraines so he is pretty understanding - although, I get the feeling he may be getting frustrated with me. 

Anyway, please know that there are many others in your shoes.  We can all relate (in some way or another) what you are going through.  Your daughter and your husband need you!  You give them what you can and they will understand when you can't give anything.  They love you!  Wouldn't you be understanding and loving if if were one of them? 

Let me leave you with this thought:  Some of us on this earth have the gift of giving - we love to give to make people feel better - might be home-cooked dinner when someone is sick, might be a card in the mail, etc. but we love to help make others feel better.  But......we are not very good at receiving those same "gifts".  I love taking care of others (I am a nurse) - friends, family, strangers, etc. but I don't know how to accept help myself.  My Sunday School teacher told me one day that is not fair.  When you will not accept help from others, you are taking away the blessing and happiness that they would have if they did for you.  Think about it!

Hang in there.  Write on this board when you feel down - there is always someone willing to listen and to share!  It helps, I promise!

DX:  Migraines since June, 2006, kidney stones
RX:  Daily - Verapamil, Trileptal
PRN:  Relpax, Prednisone, Dilaudid, Lortab, Lidocaine Nasal Spray

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 9145
   Posted 8/29/2007 12:25 PM (GMT -6)   
Mex and baseball...thanks for your sweet words. I still don't understand my purpose and pain but if I can help others it does take some of the sting away.

Co-Mod Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Forums
Fibromyalgia, Ulcerative Colitis, Insulin dependent diabetic, collapsed disk, dermatitis herpetiformus, osteo arthritis in spine and other locations.

The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits. Albert Einstein: (1879-1955)

New Member

Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 8/29/2007 1:11 PM (GMT -6)   
This is my life....
Continue to post, their are a lot of great people here. They can relate on
some level of what you are experiencing. We all have our own pain
stories. Doctors don't understand or have compassion as they should
have. It takes a journey to find our purpose, but you have a start, your
wonderful daughter and husband.
It is hard for people that do not experience pain or discomfort on a
24/7 basis. So don't hold it against your friend if she does not understand.
People here do understand and will let share venting and triumphs.
Take care d58
Have a well day!

this is my life
New Member

Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/29/2007 6:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Im so sorry for your loss. I cant even imagine the pain of loosing a child. My heart hurts for you and you give me hope and make me feel stronger.

Thank you for all your replies.
I dont have anyone who really knows how and what i am going through. Im glad I found this web site.

Please keep me in your thoughts. We are going camping. My husband has 6 days off and I am so afraid my pain will flair up and ruin our family vacation. Sometimes I hate myself even though I know I am not doing it to myself. I feel its all my fault somehow.
I will keep posting and be reading and caring about what happens you all of you.
Thank you for your warm welcome.

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 37
   Posted 8/29/2007 9:06 PM (GMT -6)   
Wow, what a touching story.  I admire your courage.   I just hope you realize you aren't alone.  Everyone of us can relate to some degree regarding every emotion you have felt or are feeling.  I really think you should get involved with us - you need to talk to people who are in the same boat you're in.
Keep on posting - we all need each other.

Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 8/29/2007 9:38 PM (GMT -6)   
Just remember, your daughter and your husband are who they are because of their love for you and your love for them. My children and wife are the only things that keep me going each day. They need you no matter what. You never know, something you post might be just the thing to help someone else hold on just a bit longer.
Life has it's ups and downs. Don't stop on the downs and you'll have what it takes to make it up.   - Me

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