Your friend,Lake, here---I was wondering how your rhyzotomy after-effects were & it seems you're telling us about them....my heart goes out to you! I know how you want to be a nurse & how this CP has changed your life....to have the CP is awful enough, but to be, additionally,robbed of your career dream is compounding your physical misery. (I understand the ryhzotomy process & know it'll take some time to endure the nerves dying off; I am supposed to have that procedure done next summer after I finish this schoolyear teaching 2nd grade, so I sympathize with your current debiliated state.)
The sadness you feel, the longing to be the way you were, is entirely normal & nothing to apoligise for. The acceptance of our losses is the most difficult part of CP---the saying goodbye to who you were & what you did, etc...that is heart-wrenching & exhausting to endure. Every day brings back former memories of what you could do, what you did & what you had planned to do...it leaves you sad, depressed and makes the pain worse (I know how I feel!) and also increases anxiety. I always say I just want to "rip the pain out!!" or "give it away" for 24 hrs just to be normal again, even if for just a day or two....! Crying helps me a lot. We live along Lake Michigan & sometimes I just walk the beach for miles, crying, shouting, yelling, etc....letting out the anger & frustration & disappointment....not sure if it does any good, but it feels "productive" somehow! Is there somewhere you can go, alone, to vent? REALLY vent? That's helped me.
Well, I'm not much help, huh! No answers! Just know I'm thinking of you. Sometimes just doing nothing is OK too. Just "be". Just let things "go". CP changes your perspective on life. We are so wonderful to be functioning in ANY way, enduring what we do. We are marvelous people. We are strong people. I am in awe of us. 99% of the general population had no clue. Yet we endure, day after day, in horrible pain, yet we perservere. We are teriffic people.
Blessings to you tonight. The lake is changing seasons & sounds a bit wild tonight. I will send calming thoughts on its waves to you. I will remember you in my prayers tonight also.
You will be OK. You will stay "Afloat"~
2 lumbar surgeries for L4-L5-S1 cystic tumor & post-surgical CSF leak complications. (Fall of '06). Central canal stenosis, severe degnerative arthrosis, grade 1 (21% shift) spondylolisthesis @ L5-S1 area, sensory & nerve function loss & radiculopathy in r leg/foot, on-going facet pain, sacral/illiac pain, lots of epidural fibrosis @ L5/S1.