Pain/Depression/Help/Vent

Hello to all who read,

I feel like just giving up, eventhough that is not supposed to be an option.  I am so miserable, I feel like I walk around with a knife in my back every day.  This pain has robbed me of my life, personality and my ability to cope with things.  I am angry and frustrated beyond belief.  I use to love life and look forward to every new day.  Now I am just fighting emotionally to get through every day one hour at a time.  I am so sick of this, it seems that no pain medicine is enough.  I had surgery to make my situation better, but the rehab is hurting so bad while my nerves are dying.  I was such a fighter all my life I always had ways of making things better and now I am just at the end of my strength.  I do not know why it is so draining I would give anything for it all to go away, which I'm sure you all wish could be our answer.  I am hurting physically, mentally and emotionally I am trying to hang on the best I can, but I feel this is a loosing battle.  I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me this is my burden and I have to carry it.  I just wish I could sleep for days and wake up and it all would be better.  How do you keep fighting when your strength is gone?  I have to get this out, I am sorry this is depressing, but this is my life right now and I have nowhere else to turn.  I do not want things to be this way, but how can I be happy when I am in agony all the time.  I spent two years in pre-nursing studying as hard as I could and the very thing I was studying is the reason why I am in this situation.  Is this ironic?, or am I just loosing it?  I guess when you are 5'2 and 110 lbs. and a 220lb man falls on you while you are trying to help him this is what you can expect.  I tried so hard to be the best, now nursing is no longer an option for me and I have to start all over again.  I do not know what to do?  I want to still help people deep inside, but another part of me is saying "no way" are you crazy?  What to do, I am scared and I'm sure a lot of you are too...  My future use to be so bright I had to wear shades hee...  Now I don't see the light at all.  I need a hug.............................

Afloat~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Awe Afloat, its ok to vent, in fact its good to vent, much better than leaving it inside to fester. You mentioned you had surgery, what kind did you have? Are you seeing a pain mgt dr for your pain? Are you meds not helping you at all? If not, can you go back to the dr & explain they are not giving you the relief you need. I am on Lexapro for depression and it has really helped me. I have other health problems, not just chronic pain that literally turned my life upside down too. I went from being a gal that went 500 miles an hour, doing anything I wanted, hubby & I traveled alot, I had a fulltime job. Now, I am considered disabled on SSD, oxygen 24/7 due to COPD, crohns disease, UC and tons of other medical problems. Unfortunately, my other medical problems are all quite serious, oh if I could turn back time before I became so sick. I have an intrathecal pain pump implanted which has really given me a much better quality of life. I d hope the drs can help you. Please let us know. Hugs, Susie 

 

 

Hi Afloat!

Your friend,Lake, here---I was wondering how your rhyzotomy after-effects were & it seems you're telling us about them....my heart goes out to you! I know how you want to be a nurse & how this CP has changed your life....to have the CP is awful enough, but to be, additionally,robbed of your career dream is compounding your physical misery. (I understand the ryhzotomy process & know it'll take some time to endure the nerves dying off; I am supposed to have that procedure done next summer after I finish this schoolyear teaching 2nd grade, so I sympathize with your current debiliated state.)

The sadness you feel, the longing to be the way you were, is entirely normal & nothing to apoligise for. The acceptance of our losses is the most difficult part of CP---the saying goodbye to who you were & what you did, etc...that is heart-wrenching & exhausting to endure. Every day brings back former memories of what you could do, what you did & what you had planned to do...it leaves you sad, depressed and makes the pain worse (I know how I feel!) and also increases anxiety. I always say I just want to "rip the pain out!!" or "give it away" for 24 hrs just to be normal again, even if for just a day or two....! Crying helps me a lot. We live along Lake Michigan & sometimes I just walk the beach for miles, crying, shouting, yelling, etc....letting out the anger & frustration & disappointment....not sure if it does any good, but it feels "productive" somehow! Is there somewhere you can go, alone, to vent? REALLY vent? That's helped me.

Well, I'm not much help, huh! No answers! Just know I'm thinking of you. Sometimes just doing nothing is OK too. Just "be". Just let things "go". CP changes your perspective on life. We are so wonderful to be functioning in ANY way, enduring what we do. We are marvelous people. We are strong people. I am in awe of us. 99% of the general population had no clue. Yet we endure, day after day, in horrible pain, yet we perservere. We are teriffic people.

Blessings to you tonight. The lake is changing seasons & sounds a bit wild tonight. I will send calming thoughts on its waves to you. I will remember you in my prayers tonight also.

You will be OK. You will stay "Afloat"~

~Lakeside

Hi Susie,

To expain a little better I had a patient fall on me while I was transferring him and I now have twisted fact joints in my upper back which is constantly pressing on my nerves.  The surgery I had done is called Radiofrequency Neurolysis, which basically means they stick needles in your nerves and inject radiofrequency waves to kill them, it takes 6-8 weeks for the nerves to actually die.  My normal back pain is pretty bad, but when the nerves are dying it is a really tough pain on top of the original pain.  After the recovery is over my pain should be decreased quite a bit and make it much more tolerable, it is just getting through it.  Also, the nerves can grow back so the procedure may have to be done every year if they don't stay dead.  This is my second surgery since the injury happened.  As far as pain medicine goes my Dr. doesn't like giving it to me, right now he has me on hydrocodone 500/5 and it the pain has been going through them.  He is really scared of me being addicted and all the mess that goes along with narcotics.  I have told him that I am having the surgery, so I don't need to take them at all after it is done.  What drives me crazy is that he knows it is bad and the problem is you build a tolerance.  The last perscription was four times daily as needed, then this once when I ran out was 2 daily, which doesn't even touch it and I don't know how to get him to understand without him thinking I am drug seeking.  I was so fed up last night I took 1 and 1/2 and that controls the pain to where it is tolerable, but what will happen if I take them this way is I will run out early and not be able to get more.  I don't understand why this has to be such a circus.  If I was fine I wouldn't ask for anything, but I cannot help that I have a tolerance I have been on and off it for a year and a half.  If I take just one I still have to sit on ice every half hour to calm the pain.  So this is preventing me from going back to work and doing daily stuff.  Well didn't mean to ramble, but the whole situation is just frustrating.  I hope that you are doing o.k.  I can relate I use to be the one going 500 miles an hour too and I hardly leave the house right now.  Keep smiling and try to make the best of things, it was nice chating with you.

Hugs