Posted 9/21/2007 7:14 PM (GMT -7)
Well, I have officially lost the last thing I had to my name: my house. The sheriff's sale was today. Today was also my graduation day from my third degree program. I was trying to advance my nursing education so I could get out of bedside nursing. A very bittersweet day, although, really no one congratulated me about graduating although my whole family knew it was today. Why is it that I have no one in my life that cares about anything??? I can't even remember the last time I had a boyfriend or even just a friend who could talk to me and would be happy for me finishing my program. It took me 2 years to finish, and it was very long and intense, esp since this whole past year I have been battling cancer. Nobody gives a rat's patootey.
I am just tired of life. Today was exhausting. Going first thing in the morning to take my 5 y.o. son to the doctor. Waited 2 HOURS just to get him in the office, and then he was in there for less than 3 minutes. I was so PO'd. He has several problems, but before you can finish saying one sentence when they ask "So what seems to be the problem today?" they already cut you off. Sigh. I basically have to raise my voice to get him to shut up so I can talk about the other problems. He's had GERD (reflux) his whole life, since he was a baby and he has been off medication since about 2 years old. But lately his symptoms have been rearing their head again, and he constantly complains of belly pain, lost his appetite, vomits, etc. I feel so bad for him. When I asked to put him back on Priloesec, his doc had a fit. Docs usually do when a nurse tries to suggest a med. Well, I'm sorry for being a nurse, but my son was on this med before and it WORKED. Gee, I guess I shouldn't ASK MY SON'S PEDIATRICIAN FOR A MEDICATION THAT USED TO WORK, HUH? Actually, this guy I saw today wasn't really his regular doc. His regular doc is out on medical leave cause his wife has cancer. Today's waste of time in the doctor's office reminded me why I DON'T MISS WORKING WITH DOCTORS. Especially the ones who like to Act like Gods of the Universe. Sigh.
So after wasting nearly 3 hours at the doctor's for 4 minutes, tops, I had to head to the pharmacy. I tried to walk throught the store, but midway to the pharmacy, I was crying I was in so much pain. So I had to head back to the front of the store where they have the scooters. I got all my stuff transferred and then got into the scooter. What a difference. Pain dropped from a 10 to a 6, tolerable. I was so sweaty, and my body is so swollen everywhere. Of course, by the time I get back toward the pharmacy, along comes a older couple who proceeds to ask why I am "messing around" with equipment meant for "disabled people". May son is with me, of course, and he was just staring at them. I looked terrible...swollen everywhere, including my face, black under eyes, sweating profusely, pale as casper the ghost, short of breath, you get the picture. Look like I've been run over by a mack truck.
What I wanted to say to those people I couldn't say with my son present. I told them not all disabilities are visible to the naked eye, and went off. Why, of why, are people so cruel??? You know, I was picked on my whole life. Mocked in high school, heck, made fun of since grade school. Had food thrown at my face/hair as I walked home from school, pushed, spit on, tripped, stuff written on locker, and of course heard the nice comments as well. Growing up was hell, and being an adult has been no better. Spent years in an abusive marriage, being hit, punched, choked, tied down, and other horrible things I've tried like hell to forget. And just when I found a nice place to work, I started getting threats from my boss, a nurse who was stealing narcotics accused ME of stealing, so I was suspended. It took a month of investigations to figure out it was her and NOT me. And why was I accused? Well, because I have a back injury of course, and I gave out the most narcotics (I get punished for medicating my patients well??!!!???), so I MUST be stealing them for myself. So a month of horrible stress ensues, and then I find out I have cancer. Now I am broke, in pain 24/7, and have so many medical problems I may as well be 80 years old. I am disheartened, miserable, and exhausted. Why is life so great for some, and so miserable for others?
I mean, look at all these people in Hollywood who make millions. They waste money like it's going out of style, and they take their perfect health for granted. Yet we have hard-working factory workers, miners (who give their lives sometimes), military who are forced to leave their children and their families, and a bunch of other people who work their whole lives for what most of these celebrities spend on alcohol in a night at a club. It's just so unfair.
Well, I'll shut up. My mind is just running non-stop, and I have had the most awful day, on a day that should make me proud for finishing another program. Instead I am homeless, carless, friendless, and in pain all the time, fighting for my life. I just needed to vent I guess. I feel like 99% of America doesn't understand how much us chronic pain patients suffer, and basically think we're all a bunch of loser drug-addicts who are just lazy and would rather sit at home than work. And I bet not one of us here would choose that, but that's how we are portrayed, and the media and the politicians just don't give a *!. What a life.
DX: DDD, DJD, HNP L2-S1, OA, OP, intractable pain, severe asthma, COPD, migraines, endometriosis, uterine ca, PCOS, metabolic syndrome, chronic epstien-barr virus, fibromyalgia, depression, anxiety, PTSD, avoidant personality disorder, social phobia, SLE, connective tissue disorder
MEDS: MS Contin 100mg q 6; MSIR 30mg q 6 PRN; Celebrex 200mg QD; Actiq 600mcg q 6 PRN; Lamactil 25mg BID; Klonopin 0.5mg BID, Cymbalta 60mg QD;
Ventolin 2 puffs q 6; Advair 500/50 one puff q 12, Multivitamin