I'm sorry guys... I don't do this very often, but I've gotta spill my guts. I'm alone here in the mountains, and there's only so much my husband can understand...
Trying to have a baby jumbles a persons mind in and of itself. Trying to have a baby when you have this (or any other) STUPID STINKING DISEASE is even harder.
I really thought that I was pregnant this month. I had myself completely psyched out - even my breasts were swelling... but no positive pregnancy test. And then this morning... the cramps and bleeding. So, yeah. No baby. This is only the second time we've tried. The first time we tried to get pregnant last year I did ended up pregnant, but miscarried at about
8 weeks. And now this month - the whole "convincing myself" I was pregnant... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I KNEW better than to do that...
And to top it all off, after the miscarriage last year, I asked my husband not to say anything to anyone until we at least made it to the first doc apt and got a heartbeat. But did he keep his mouth shut? Of course not. He told everyone at work already that he thinks I'm pregnant, so now that I'm not - all his co-workers are going to have that "pity" look on their faces next time I see them. I HATE THAT LOOK! I get it enough because of my crohns, I do NOT need it for not being pregnant!
I know that it's only our second try at having a kid, and that everything will turn out fine in the end.
I'm just hormonal and emotional right now, and lets be blunt... when you have a disease like crohns, there is ALWAYS a little annoying voice in the back of your head saying "Well, maybe you're not healthy enough to have a baby." Or, "Maybe you shouldn't pass on your genes anyway." Or any number of other psycho- sabotaging comments.
We want a child. We've weighed the risks and the benefits. There's no doubt in our minds that we WANT a child. I guess the inevitable fear of "What if we CAN'T have a child" has started to creep in, and let me tell ya, it's a stupid and miserable fear to have. And naturally, due to the fact that I have this stupid disease, and my husband is fit as a fiddle - I place the suspicion on my OWN potential inability to conceive more than on any suspicion that there's something wrong with my husband... It's stupid, and irrational, and I know we're still young and have PLENTY of time for all this... hormones are just REALLY good at making a person jump to conclusions, even conclusions she knows are completely premature and irrational.
I guess I just needed to acknowledge the stupid little voices in my head... to name them out loud for what they are. And I figured if anyone would understand, if anyone out there had heard the same stupid voices that I'm hearing now - it would be you guys.
Thanks for listening...
26f, dx'd CD July '05 after 6 fistula/abscess surgeries
Remicade only, every 16 weeks.
Digestive enzymes, and probiotics.
Doing pretty darn good, all things considered.
"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure."