I am more than twice your age, have been married for 36 years and normally would not insert myself into this kind of discussion with a young woman who is 10 years younger than my youngest child. But this is the internet so here are some observations, for what they are worth ...
Is it possible that your concerns about
"ruining his life" could be hiding a deeper fear? I'm wondering whether you are terrified that this wonderful partner of yours is going to wake up some day and decide that you are damaged goods ( which, if we're being honest might just be how you have been feeling about
yourself since diagnosis) and just not worth fighting for anymore. And if this thought is at the root of your fears, is it possible that you are sabotaging your relationship -- being *****y and judgemental -- to force the issue. In so doing sort of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It might be that you need to reconcile your relationship with yourself and your disease and that might go a long ways towards solving the conflicts in your relationship with your partner.
You are worth loving. Your partner is demonstrating this every day. And trust me, although it may seem impossible to believe, there will come a point when you will see the gifts that this nasty disease will bring into your life, not just the trials. Don't know what form those gifts will take in you, just know they are there.
We do not get to choose a lot of what happens to us in life. We do get to choose how we reconcile life events into the fabric of our beings. We do get to choose. And in the choosing we define who we are.
You are a fighter. Yes, you have been dealt a cruel cruel blow, but it is early days in your disease -- you've been diagnosed for less than a year and that's not a long time to go through the grieving process that is a part of receiving this kind of diagnosis. Be kind to yourself. If you can't yet find it in your heart to love this disease version of you, then trust the perspective of your partner. He loves you, disease and all. The disease will not be what separates you.
your career aspirations. I am troubled that you seem to think that when you work you feel like you are stealing time away from your fiance. I doubt whether your partner wants to be responsible for you turning your back on your dreams of being a micro-biologist and/or a physician. But, is your work also taking you away from health at the moment? I don't know. But you need to honestly ask yourself whether, at this point in your disease, your studies are helping you move towards wellness or are they hindering your efforts to be well. That is a very individual thing and only you can figure it out, but I do think that question has far more legitimacy than worrying about
what it is taking away from your partner.
You are so young and my heart aches when I think of the turmoil going on in your young life. I can not pretend to know how you are feeling. I was married and expecting my third child when crohn's struck. But I have often pondered what would have happened had I been still single and fear that, given my personality, I probably would not have allowed anyone to get close.
Is it possible that one of the gifts that this dd could give you is the opportunity to let someone else's strength (your fiance's) carry you for a little while? I grew up believing I was "the strong one". Emotionally, mentally, physically, intellectually I could always manage. Even in my marriage and through many years with this disease I continued to relish that label. When I finally let go and allowed myself to be weak, I inadvertently gave my family an amazing gift. I had been so busy taking care of them all, I had never let them take care of me. Best gift they ever received. Sometimes it is a strength to surrender.
Hugs from the heart.
30+ years living with Crohn's.
Post Edited (belleenstein) : 3/1/2009 4:52:53 AM (GMT-7)