Is it possible that your concerns about "ruining his life" could be hiding a deeper fear? I'm wondering whether you are terrified that this wonderful partner of yours is going to wake up some day and decide that you are damaged goods ( which, if we're being honest might just be how you have been feeling about yourself since diagnosis) and just not worth fighting for anymore. And if this thought is at the root of your fears, is it possible that you are sabotaging your relationship -- being *****y and judgemental -- to force the issue. In so doing sort of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I've been thinking this all too often as of late...I really think that this is a big part of it. You're absolutely right in that I feel like damaged goods, afraid that he'll see it this way someday and leave me for someone 'better.'
And I feel like my studies are taking time away from us because I literally will study for seven hours at a time, completely ignoring his requests to take a short break and just sit down with him. I'm a perfectionist, though all for nothing this semester as flaring and relationship troubles have caused my grades to drop much lower than I have ever had. Which just makes me study even more and spend even less time with him. I imagine he feels neglected at the moment..I haven't been physical with him either and I remember the few times he's been too tired to pay attention to me that way that I felt completely rejected.