Phoebe, I am concerned for you. You really do sound as if you are in a bad way, and as if you need a professional to talk to. This is *not* a criticism, and it is not a reflection on your coping skills: I just recognise the road you're on, and know that it leads to a bad place, so I'd like to get you on a detour ASAP if I possibly can.
In terms of you being too young to be "doing" this, I think most of us can relate to that feeling. However, I do think that this is a thought process that needs to be challenged, Phoebe, as you actually came to this disease later than many Crohn's patients. I find it hard to talk to you, sometimes, because we only know each other on the forum and can't always tell what will help you in your real life, but it *might* help you to be aware that you are actually following the typical disease process for Crohn's, and that you are not unusually (or "too") young to be going through such pain. As I said, please forgive me if this doesn't help you... I'm just mentioning it in case it might.
YES! it is absolutely unfair to have your youth stolen from you, especially as (in your case) a lot of your suffering might have been avoided had you been on stronger medication. You are right, and perfectly justified, in grieving. Again, I think it is important to be aware that you *are* grieving, Phoebe, and that this is something you're going to have to deal with, repeatedly, throughout your life. You'll find that you grieve as you reach important life stages and keep having to compare your life to others', Phoebe, and it's always going to be hard. Please accept what you're experiencing as normal; please don't feel that you're "bad" or "unusual" in feeling the way you do; it is something we all experience, and we all empathise with you.
I really do think that it is very important that you find yourself a counsellor or psychologist, and quickly. I don't like to think of you using your pain meds to escape reality and "float", and I don't like to hear you saying that you really are "over it" when you're still in the early stages of adjusting to your illness. Again, I stress that this is not a reflection on you, but it *is* a reflection on your medical care to date, and an indication that you need some more support, pain management and TLC than you have been getting so far.
You may well find that there is an IBD counsellor attached to your medical wonder-team, and I strongly suggest talking to your doctor quickly to ask if you can see that counsellor asap. If you have to wait a while until your next appointment, then *please* go to see your g.p. this week or next week and seek help urgently. I can't stress how important this is, Phoebe; you sound to me as if you're starting to crumble under the stress of dealing with this pain and isolation, and I do think that this is something that the doctors will be able to help you with, *if only they know what is going on*. There are stronger pain meds; there are social support services for sick people; I think it's time you were plugged into both.
Phoebe, honey, please do hang in there. I've said to you a few times, over the years, what a privilege it is to be able to walk this journey with you, and how glad we are that you feel comfortable sharing with us. Know that you *are* still progressing on this journey; you're not stalled, you're not stuck; what you are feeling is absolutely normal, and this too will pass. Please do use this as an opportunity to seek more help and support for yourself, so that you will be better able to walk the journey now and in the future.
Co-Moderator Crohn's Forum. New meds thread
Post Edited (ivy6) : 6/24/2009 1:30:07 AM (GMT-6)