Tired of Living (cross post from chronic pain)

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Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 9/7/2009 2:07 PM (GMT -7)   
I know that sounds melodramatic as hell, but I truly am just sick of living.  I've been diagnosed with Crohn's since around 1989 and have had two bowel resections (1992 and 2002).  With each passing year it becomes progressively worse.  I have severe joint pain that for a couple of years was well-controlled by Remicade; then I developed a resistance to it and now on Humira injections twice a month.  The Humira has worked well until just recently, and now I'm in agony again with joint pain.
A couple of years ago I started to develop back trouble.  Had an MRI done and I have a pinched nerve and two bulging discs (L4/L5).  I have been on pain meds, had three months of physical therapy, and now they want to put in a pain pump which scares the crap out of me. I am seeing a chiropractor who has given me more relief than anything.
It's just been one of the weekends where I wish I wouldnt wake up - simple as that.  I am so very tired of this disease and the havoc it wreaks on my body.  My sweet children see my cry, as well as my very supportive husband, and I try to hold back the tears, but it just won't stay bottled up.  I am bipolar and on lithium on top of the other stuff-I take so many antidepressents I rattle).  I just don't, for the life of me, understand why things have to be this way.  I know that it could always be worse and I have many blessings in my life to be thankful for, but I get so caught up in the bull*** it's hard to remember.
I am 43 years old and have to be functional to take care of my children and to work.  I am just at my WIT'S END.  I guess I just needed to type it out.  Thanks for "listening."  If anyone has experience with pain pumps for joint pain/back issues, please let me know.
*Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are not permitted.*

Post Edited By Moderator (Nanners) : 9/7/2009 6:46:14 PM (GMT-6)

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 422
   Posted 9/7/2009 4:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Sheryin

Your reason to live is summed up in your last sentence....to take care of your children.

I am so sorry you feel so down...I can only try and empathise with the amount of pain you have. Although I did suffer constant pain for nearly 2 years when it was thought I had Proctitis. Any pain being chronic and relentless has to have a huge impact on your daily life let alone your mood...So it is fully understandable that you are feeling like this...But dark moments do pass!

You sound like you have a lovely family...don't bottle up too much, you need a release.

Can you not have a word with your physician to see if something more can be done for you...the pain pump does sound like a good option...just get someone to tell you all about it in depth.

I wish I could wave the magic wand over and make the pain go...but I can't...but I do hope that you get this sorted out very quickly.

Take care

6 x 800mg Asacol daily
1 x 30mg Omeprazol
150mg Levothyroxine daily
HRT for my sins fo being a woman...lol

Pain meds as and when for back pain...(paracetamol or tramadol)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 981
   Posted 9/7/2009 10:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh sheryin I am so sorry u are feeling so low. I truely do understand how u feel this disease is so nasty and painful. I too am battling depression as im sure most of us on this board are, since the nature of this illness is just so darn ongoing. I actually did try to overdose a few years ago when i thought things were so hopeless but believe me that is definately not the answer, and that certainly made me realize I really do have so much to live for as you sure do as well. You have a great husband and children that really do need u to be around. I went to a counsellor that helped get me through those bad times and perhaps u also need to go and talk with someone. I would also suggest u go back to your doctor and explain how much this is taking its toll on u being in that kind of pain all the time and hopefully he can sort out some decent pain meds for u and once you get on top of the pain Im confident your outlook will also improve. Hang in there and know we are all here for you so anytime u need to let it all out please feel free to do so. Keep us posted on how u are going and take good care of yourself :-) big hugs going your way ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 499
   Posted 9/10/2009 9:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Your story sounds exactly like mine, I am also 43 years old have had crohns since I was 16. I have a very supportive husband, and beautiful children,
I also have had surgery where they removed 3 feet of my large bowel . I have pain everyday. The past 9 years have been harder though, I have back
pain all the time, I have been diagnosed with a bulging disc. My body just aches everywhere. I also go to work everyday. I have a day off today.
I feel like I am just existing. When you feel pain everyday , it is hard to enjoy things. Just remember you are not alone. I wish we could all be
free from this pain. Just keep on focusing on the positive things in you life, I know it is so hard sometimes.
Take care
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