Cait scared i am gonna be gone..constantly fighting..advice plz

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Elite Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 10/17/2009 7:05 AM (GMT -7)   
cry  It has been hades these past 5 mths.Cait coming home finding me in a seizure subsequent long long hospital stay on life support for some time  am almost considering going into a retirement home.I feel so much a burden...her having to  be the adult step up to plate now as health has deterioriated so bad i  cannot hear now at all due to vancomycin over rx and iv used for pyoderma  ....i see a 16 yr old not yet a woman but being forced intp all kinds of hard decisions with her mom trying to hold down a job..still get 90 s in grade 12 and do all she can for others losing it more each day.We are yelling at each other which to me is frutile lol as i cant hear at all so basically a headache is all i get from it.What happened to the love her n i shared...this fear of losing me i know hit her hard and i am still pretty sick but hanging on n in and will continue to fight daily...i get that she had to grow up real quick..i get that she found me in that state..what i dont get is why are we angry it seems at one another ...instead of enveloping the time i have left enjoying the windfall of lg money that was inheirited we cannot even hold a civil coversation.MOST of the old members will remember my posts and the love we shared n i am here to ask you all for some sage advice.I have made it very clear how proud i am of the person she has become and with all she went thru with me stayed strong...i honestly feel she needs some grief couselling albeit i did not die but very close n it feels like she is soooo angry with me cuz of it....i have always come to my hw family for advice n i am now once again here asking how  do i make  her know i am not going anywhere i love her more than life and i am so proud of her.To lose my Cait would be a death for me and it rips me apart each n every fight we have.......thanks for letting me vent it is hard she wants me to put aside what happened with her first love .....he was abusive mentally/physically yet they want to try again...i dont very well think i can deal with seeing him knowing what he did to her....but then am i not giving him a chance to show he can /has changed....omg i am so emotionally defunct over all this it is making day to day life a thing i dont want to deal with.........any suggesstions are appreciated and i mean that..thanks for reading......hoping all are having a good day.....blessings..................lyn

Post Edited By Moderator (Nanners) : 10/19/2009 8:33:43 AM (GMT-6)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 10/17/2009 9:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Wow ((((((((((((((((((((((Lyn)))))))))))))))))))) you and Cait have been thru so much. Ok as to her ex, unfortunately all you can do is just be there to catch her fall (p.s. document everything, but do not say a darn thing other then I suppot you honey). She is doing this because she just wants someone else there and seems to be willing to put up with too much crap (not unusual with high functioners, and not unusual for someone who has suffered as many losses as she has). Of course she is going to be mad that she might lose you that is just where she is at. Do not expect that to stop until she is 23-30. It is litterly part of that developmental stage, and just expect there might be some seperation due to she needs to develop on her on own. Do not think that she doesn't need you, it is just a different need (perhaps she might just need your unconditional positive requard in that you trust her to have the charater to find her own way).
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Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2003
Total Posts : 9448
   Posted 10/17/2009 11:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh, Lynn!!! Lots n lots of ((((hugs))) to you and prayers for you and Cait as well. You have to be so terrified of Cait getting herself into an absuive relationship again. Somehow bring yourself to face the fact that there is nothing you can do about it. Not having to listen to or put up w/your cautionings might help to prevent her from making that mistake again. Sometimes we run TO someone BECAUSE we are constantly warned to stay away from them. Don't drive her to him. It would be so hard to seethis happen again but somehow you have to accept there's nothing you can do. You must feel so all alone given this loss of hearing. My heart goes out to you. (((hugs)))
Some people are like Slinkies... Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Elite Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 10/18/2009 9:43 AM (GMT -7)   
.....Thanks for the posts ...this has sure been hades around hear..yep remember i had lost partial hearing and i had full hearing in my right ear due to over use
of intravenous vancomycin for pyodermaa that caused deafness but also when had my first seizure i came out of it not knowing what happened firstly ..not
hearing now at all..reading lips n learning sign that is a task but i have to adapt ...very hard on the heart n mind..soul that i cannot hear ppl i love especially
their voices nor any noise..feel trapped n their is like .....i call it atmosphere thats the best way ican really explain noise in head constantly when awake....
dead air rushing thru my head aggravating it is.As for cait she is back with him i did very nicely tell jesse i wll not have cait abused physically or emotionally
and he knows i will not hesitate to intervene..somehow i dont think it is going to last cait had to mature alot a whole lot during all of this and he is not even close in his
maturity level his mother does coddle to him imho n but thats her issue .....mine is to be there for cait....

C2...i cannot begin to tell you how just how lonely this total hearing loss is..i know peeps are trying i see the frustration when they cannot get something across to me
told them all well ya think yer frustrated lol SO am i very n scared...i had forgotten basic things and how to do things when seizure hit me i guess it was a goodin lol
...just what does happen to us when we start to love n he was her first love she told me...

I DO know she will see this but when is what worries me and i agree i cannot telll her it is a forbidden but in have had to be honest n tell her i cannot deal with him
and nothing had better happen againl...i have to trust her judgement i guess and just continue to be her backup knowing i have taught her morals and how woman or men ARE not to be treated.
i really have a theory about this n i think cait ran back to him for comfort ....AND a sense of some kinda screwed up thinking she she has that he is gonna be there thru all
maybe i am wrong i dont know its that i worry so about i said she really had to grow up quick do all that i had been doing in running home ect....she is the caretaker to a large part n that

bothers me i feel like i am a burden at son came n stayed til i got out of hospital but he has gone back to alberta now with his family and his job so it all rests on her more less..then school work you
get picture....i miss the old me n the noise believe it or not lol....but i can honestly say sometimes when her n i go at it whew maybe its a good thing for a bit i cant hear..
dang i just wish it could all go back to then but i know i have the strength to carry on once again..i do so with my friends at side...thanks for always being there you guys i do appreciate it more
than u will ever know.......helps to cry just a lil bit ya know.........luvs to all ......lyn

Post Edited By Moderator (Nanners) : 10/19/2009 8:34:01 AM (GMT-6)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 1070
   Posted 10/18/2009 10:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Any 16 year old is going to be having many of the issues that you describe like yelling. It is MUCH harder for you as a single Mom and for her with her Mom so ill.
I have two girls and one in particular
gave Mom a tuff time and it helped to have Dad there to GLARE at her. My girls have started to calm/settle down (I think, OH PLEASE) but I am told this process
will carry through most of their twenties. I don't think you need to blame your intense difficulties or the burden this places on your daughter, on yourself.
I think that we have made our childrens' lives too easy here. Taking care of you and dealing with these issues I FIRMLY believe will make her a much more
complete human being, and a better one. ONE thing though is that counseling is clearly a good idea in order to minimize the damage between you.
She will feel regret for being angry at you and that will hurt her one day. You can't talk too much with her. Honesty and love. I am concerned that she made a
poor selection for her first love. This should be a part of her counseling and your guidance also. Take care not to nag, a fine line. I found it easier to talk to my
younger girl by going for a walk or a drive. Being Dad perhaps it was easier. Our kids make mistakes no matter how hard we try. I feel your guilt. I had a bad
night last night. In the middle of typing this my wife came in the room and I tearfully apologized to her for being such burden. I cramp (pun intended) her style
and I kept her up last night with my pain..... Of course, she is an adult and a great one, so she handles it. Even so I feel like MUD. With a kid I would expect
a lot of DRAMA. I hope this helps. Find a counselor that "fits". Ie not some old guy. Young female perhaps??????? Good luck

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 3143
   Posted 10/18/2009 11:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Lyn...thinking of you always. This is hard, but you have to rely on the fact that you know the relationship you have had. That is always in there between the two of you. It sounds like counseling would be a good idea for both of you. Just a way to speak through some of the issues. I agree that you can not fight the boyfriend thing...the more you fight, the harder they fight back. You and Cait have always been there for each other and you both know that. It sounds like she is hiding deep inside. A good counselor can help to let things out more.

I am praying for you to return to the outward love as much as we know you have the inward love of each other. Keep talking to us and we will keep being here for you.
Dx'd '90 (emergency rupture), symptoms ignored long before that, '03 fistulas and bad flagyl reactions, B12 weekly, Pentasa [until I surrender to the bigger meds]
I'm riding on the escalator of life....

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1354
   Posted 10/18/2009 11:25 PM (GMT -7)   


I can't imagine what you are going through. You are a very brave and tough little lady!

I have the same situation with my 16 year old daughter at the moment, although her boyfriend wasn't abusive, just a loser, and we really dont like the person she is when she is with him.

I just keep telling her, that the choices she makes affect everyone and to make sure she thinks hard before making these choices.

Hopefully they both wake-up to the fact that they are better than this.

As for Cait being angry with you, I was much like that whenever my mother was sick and I think it was my way of coping (she was all I had too).

A councillor sounds like good advice too, although Cait, to me, sounds like a little trooper, just going through a bad patch at the moment.

You sound like you have a wonderful mother/daughter relationship and this is a bumpy patch at the moment.

Sorry Im not good with this advice thing, but wanted to let you know I will be thinking of you.


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Elite Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 10/19/2009 11:03 AM (GMT -7)   
i really appreciate your caring yes a teen not yet a woman..we r really trying to work thru this i will post more when up to it sorry..luvs lyn
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