Nice Cup of Tea,
I hope you are still here, and I hear you loud and clear, both your frustration at not being able to eat, and believing you will never get better.
I spent my first 15 years negotiating food, most of those years I ate very little. Duodenal crohn's is what I started with, and it moved on for years.
I freaking love food! I grieved my inability to eat, daily. I cut things out, I brought some back in. I have puked every kind of food at one time or another.
The drugs, as they came out, still didn't work. More grieving. Too many days in those years I just wanted to die, but my will to live was strong.
I really thought I would never have a better day, and I came very close to that thought. Surgery helped me and then more surgery messed me up again.
First surgery resulted in a pouch -- my greatest fear and it turned out to be a god send -- that and the duodenal cd went into remission, so.. yay.
Here's the thing, when we are so undernourished, as you wrote above, we are not thinking clearly. Accept this, but don't beat yourself up for it. We try, and I adapted well enough to manage University courses (part time was my full time) , but emotionally charged stuff would overwhelm me. And being sick day in day out is an emotionally charged situation.
I don't know how people work and not eat at the same time. I can't do that, though lord knows I tried.
Try the antibiotic route if you want to, google low dose naltrexone (I've just started it, so I hesitate to say much more about it at this time), as after a 9 year relative remission, I am flaring again. crap!
Most importantly get support. Let your doctor know what you are living with. Let your family and friends, or at least one, know what you are dealing with.
As for psychological support, not because you are mentally ill, but because you under great distress dealing with this, ok, duh, and this kind of support is truly helpful -- note, if you do not like the person after 1 hour, go find another one. It's like finding a friend, either some one is or isn't and you can't do therapy with someone who you wouldn't want as a friend. Or, maybe it's just me.
This is your life at the moment. It's painful privation and it's not fair, this too shall pass...
Try to get some nutrition in, home made chicken broth, and try to keep your electrolytes up -- brain really doesn't function well without salt and sugar.
Hang in there, you are not alone and yes, it really does suck.
CD 24 years. Multiple surgeries in past 10 yrs. 4 year Illeostomy. Mesh rejection. Too close to death, twice. Large inscisional hernia. Perpetually underweight. Short bowel syndrom. Have used a variety of complementary medical therapies. Highly recommend Bowen Therapy as the best body work. Take me vites. Started Low Dose Naltrexone March 27, 2010. Got married for the only time 2008. Survive because of the love of good friends, and because I can. Happy to be alive. IBD needs more awareness and more voices willing to speak up. BE well.