HELP! Relationship advice needed!

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Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 129
   Posted 8/30/2010 9:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Matt, my boyfriend, and I have known each other as friends for the past 6 years. We got together romantically about 2 years ago, 2 months before I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. Recently, I've been dealing with a major flare for the past several weeks. This flare has put so much pressure on our relationship because we are now more like roommates- We buy separate foods, we prepare separate meals, we go to bed and wake up at separate times (I'm in bed for most of the day), we aren't able to go for walks together or go out to the bars/hang out with friends together, and we even sleep in separate rooms sometimes (I've been having to get up in the night, and I also toss and turn, making it diffficult for him to sleep). He's been helping out a lot more around the house, and I constantly do what I can to let him know how much I appreciate him. He's been very irritable, impatient, and angry with me and has even shoved me around physically a few times in frustration. We've been working on communicating our feelings to salvage our relationship. Tonight, we sat down to eat together, and he started tearing up. I asked him what was wrong, and after hesitating for quite some time he said, "I don't blame you, but my life has become crap because of you." I am really depressed right now, partially from the prednisone, partially from the physical pain and fatigue, and partially because I have been feeling guilty and angry at myself that I can't be the happy, healthy girlfriend he deserves and that I deserve to be. After he said that, I walked to my sister's house to talk with her, and when I came back he was asleep on the couch so we haven't been able to talk about it. I don't even know what to say.
26 years old. Diagnosed with Crohn's disease March 2008. Battled a C. diff infection from Summer 2009-Spring 2010. Have been dealing with a severe flare for the past several weeks.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2004
Total Posts : 6518
   Posted 8/30/2010 9:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Say goodbye. Had I ever even thought of shoving my wife around I would be out of the door. She would be too . Sorry to be so abrupt but if he does such things now, think what he will do later in life when he blames you for his missing happiness .
If we would read the secret history of our enemies,we would find in each mans life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 1768
   Posted 8/30/2010 9:56 PM (GMT -7)   
I agree, and I know that's not what you want to hear now, but if this is just the beginning of him dealing with your health, and he can't deal now, it will only get worse. I was in a relationship where he couldn't deal with me being sick, actually at one point we had a trip planned and when I was hospitalized he went on the trip without me. I should have seen things then, but I tried to justify his actions and told people he was having a hard time dealing with me being sick. Unfortunately, when things get rough people show their true selves. I'm sorry he's not being supportive, because right now, that's what you need. You didn't choose this, none of us did. You should never be told that you're ruining or making someones life worse. There is a better man out there who would love you regardless and be there for you when you need him most, not someone who runs when things get hard.

I'm so sorry to tell you that. I know you probably want someone to tell you that things will change, but my honest opinion is that he won't magically be accepting and supportive.

Please let us know how things continue. Even if you stay together we are still here for you.

32 yr old female-dx with Crohn's in '97 after emergency resection and appendectomy, 2nd resection '05, Bilateral pulmonary emboli 10/09
Currently on Humira, Omeprazole, Effexor, Seroquel, Calcium, Vit D
Coumadin stopped 3/15/10!!!!

New Member

Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 8/30/2010 9:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Dump him. If he can't deal with a few weeks, you are not meant to stay together. No one is going to be perfect, and everyone will present some challenge to a relationship. Don't blame yourself, blame him for being so insensitive.
I'm 26 year-old female New Yorker who was just diagnosed. It's a mild case but I don't know much, so here I am, looking forward to hopefully feeling better soon!

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 794
   Posted 8/31/2010 1:34 AM (GMT -7)   
First instinct was to get rid but there again he may be fighting his own battle in that he doesn't know how to cope/help etc, this doesn't excuse his behaviour but.............

The Watcher
New Member

Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 8/31/2010 7:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Let me say to you that without support it makes it so much harder on you. My new husband of only 6 months has already seen me go thru so much with my lung disease and my pain from my muscular issues...thru it all I could not have asked for a kinder more gentle man than him. We have to have someone to talk to cry to and to complain to ...if we don't we internalize and stress makes your symptoms worse. I am sorry you are going thru this and I understand the guilt that you feel with him taking up the slack around the house .....believe me I went from doing it all to unable to do hardly anything being on oxygen and loss of control of my life has really made me take a huge step back. Look inside yourself and you will know what you need to do but the last thing you need is someone pushing you or being's ok to understand his feelings are dealing with yours good luck!
44 year old female , I have survived three strokes, 2 bouts of cervical cancer, I have fibromyalgia , Degenerative disc disease, arthritis in my hip, neck and both shoulders and my new condition is hypersensitivity pneumonitis and wegeners granulamatosis currently taking IMURAN , sulindac, skelaxin

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 8384
   Posted 8/31/2010 10:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Ah, mlatida. What a mess. I agree with the previous posters that this relationship doesn't look good long term. There's no point in assigning blame to yourself - you're not feeling well and that's not something you can control! Him getting physical with you is completely unacceptable, and I hope he had recognized that so he can work on addressing his (really serious) issues for the sake of his future wife.

I remember being in my 20s and how hard it was (and is, I'm sure) to establish a really healthy relationship with the right partner. I've been married now for 18 years and we've been through 5 years of infertility, a miscarriage, a difficult pregnancy, a house fire and Crohn's, among other daily troubles. It is not easy every day, and there is some yelling sometimes, and some tears, and even a couple of nights on the couch for each of us. But in the end we know we can count on eachother to be supportive and loving and there. And most of all, a long marriage is going to have some disappointments and some sadness, that's just life; of course it's balanced by times of joy and success and happiness. If the cost is too high for one partner, that's probably the end. I guess your boyfriend has tallied the cost (in his own mind) and finds it too high. That is not a reflection on YOU. That is HIM.

{{{{{HUGS}}}} Consider this flare a test that he has failed. And tuck that knowledge away, focus on yourself and moving on to the next thing.
48 yrs old, IBD diagnosis in spring '01. Proctitis, gastritis, ileitis.
Currently taking Pentasa (6g/day), Sulfazine (1.5 g/day), Prevacid, vit. D (20K iu), flax seed oil (2 tsp/day), mesalamine enema as needed.

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 265
   Posted 8/31/2010 10:44 AM (GMT -7)   
People tend to look for someone who would meet their needs. It looks like you can't meet his needs right now.

Selfish people and sick people usually have many needs. It can be frustrating, specialy for young ones.

Rebooting the heart, during a crisis, may me painfull, but lingering... aff.

(well... he always can change inside out deeply, but the odds are not at your side)
Male, 35 (lovely family of wife and two daughters)
Diagnosed in nov/94 - Started with Prednisone, followed by Pentasa, entocort, flagyl, Imuran, Cipro, etc.
Blockage (popcorn!!) - First Surgery 2001 (no ressection)
Severe bleedind - 2003 - Stopped by 60mg of Prednisone
Stricture leading to a ressection in Dec/2008 - Second Surgery
Now on Remicade + 100 75mg Imuran + Iron (doc said i'm in remission, but I'm not sure at all)

UC Momma
Regular Member

Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 113
   Posted 8/31/2010 1:29 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm so sorry. I don't have crohn's, but I do have UC. The shoving IS NOT OKAY EVER. Tell him goodbye, as hard as it may be for you. There are supportive people out there that will love you for you, regardless of your illness. I have been going through a terrible flare the past couple of months, and I'm pregnant to boot. My husband has been wonderful. Of course it's been very trying for him, stressful on our family in general, but he reminds me that if the positions were reversed he knows I'd be doing the same for him, and he's right. Life is full of ups and downs, and there will be a time when your significant other needs you as well. You deserve better!!!
Diagnosed in 2007 w/ left sided colitis a year after birth of first child
Currently FLARING and pregnant. On 4 Asacol HD/day, 20mg prednisone, prenatal.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 8/31/2010 1:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Marilyn Monroe said "that if he cannot handle me at my worse then he does not deserve me at my best."
Shoving is a deal breaker.
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease/Thyroid Disorders: All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.
I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586
All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.
The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life? Has your life brought joy to others?
Make sure your suffering has meaning…

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 1202
   Posted 8/31/2010 4:25 PM (GMT -7)   
I wish I could say what you want to hear, but I also agree with the others. Of course the shoving is out of line, no doubt! The other thing that really struck me was the response, "I don't blame you, but my life has become crap because of you." For him to say *his* life is cr@p because of you shows a very selfish viewpoint. What about you? Has he considered that the way your illness has effected him might pale in comparison to how it's effected your life?

I had a relationship like that a few years back. I was terrified the first time I started mtx. He was an EMT and was planning to give me the shots. I was scared to start this drug - a chemo drug. I was shaky after the first injection he did. On the drive home he was angry and when we talked about it he said, "do you know how it made ME feel to give you that shot?" Hmm. This was not about him. It was about me trying to cope with my disease but he made it into how it impacted HIM. I mean, it's true that our health impacts our loved ones, but as everyone says, when you're in it for the long haul, you trade caring for one another. We must always be considerate and supportive as our partners need our help. One day he will need help. That will be about helping him. This is about helping you.

it's so, so, so hard to end a relationship... No matter the conditions. Especially hard to end it when you still love the other person. But, you should consider how his reactions will continue to worsen. good luck! and hugs
1 fistula with two tracts, crohn's colitis, limited to large intestine
Compounded budesonide 3mg/daily, Cimzia. Dx Osteoporosis 10/08 started Forteo 1/27/09

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 362
   Posted 8/31/2010 4:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Dump him!! And great quote MMMNAVY!
33 years old, dx with Crohn's in 1998. Currently on :
Clofazimine 100mg daily,
Rifampin 600mg daily, and Clarithromycin 2 tabs daily
and Cipralex 10mg/day for anxiety.
Hydroxyzine, percocet, Ativan as needed.
5g pharmaceutical grade Omega 3's, 1000IU's Vitamin D3 daily
2 Perianal fistulas, and 1 more suspected. Crohn's only at end of colon, cecum. Remi, Asacol, Salofalk, Imuran, Humira did nada. Built immunity to long-term Cipro use, which also induced panic attacks.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 1881
   Posted 8/31/2010 7:55 PM (GMT -7)   
run miatada, run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Any man who would hit any woman, let alone a sick one has huge issues. I am so sorry that happened to you. It will only get worse. You deserve better!!!!!!!!!! If you stay with him, it will only get worse. Don't let the tears fool you. That's pretty typical of abusive men. This dude is just plain abusive, physically and mentally. I don't mean to sound harsh but you don't need this.

Get counseling or anything you need to get away from him. You already have a disease that tortures you, you don't need a man to jump in and join in.

Good luck and God bless. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. There's a good man out there waiting for you.
d 1/09 with colitis sigmoid colon with some diverticular disease as well
IBS, high BP, fibromyalgia, Mixed Connective Tissue Disease
claritin, diovan, progesterone, VSL#3 probiotic, Vit. D, colazal, omeprazole for reflux.
Blood test positive for Crohn's via prometheus ibd serology panel ASCA
Positive ANA.
Currently on flagyl and it is helping. Have apt with surgeon soon

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2004
Total Posts : 6518
   Posted 8/31/2010 9:24 PM (GMT -7)   
I think a common problem with relationships is the thought that someone else can make us happy. They can make life better but only you can make you happy . Dont count on someone else to do that for you are be that for someone else. Find someone that shares your happiness and share theirs . Together you make life better for each other , even when illness strikes...
If we would read the secret history of our enemies,we would find in each mans life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.

dixie jo
Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 8/31/2010 9:37 PM (GMT -7)   
You need someone who is there to help you through this not someone that will put you down, this is hard enough to go through without someone trying to make you feel worse, its not like anyone would chose to have this . You will find the right person that will love you no matter what. I have a great husband , he laughs and tells me that he is going to trdae me in for a newer model ,you will get through this .I will keep you in my prayers , this forum has been a blessing for me I don't feel like im the only one with this crazy illness anymore,
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