I decided that I need to vent a little, so sit back and grab a chair, this might be long.
I am so tired of this daily game I play to have a life. I am tired of getting up everyday and going to work. I am tired of being strong. I am tired of having to lie when someone asks how you are, and you say fine, but really aren’t. Even though my Crohn’s is in remission, I have some issue to deal with ALL the time, whether it be Crohn’s, my joints or whatever chooses to present itself that day.
I am tired of not having the energy to be the wife I should be. I am tired of not being able to be the wife he deserves. I am tired of giving all my energy to my job, instead of to this wonderful husband who loves me so unconditionally. I am pissed that to live, I have to work, yet grateful that I have job and then feeling guilty I have complained. I am tired of always doing the right thing and going to work when I would rather just go back to bed, because I don’t want to put someone else out. I am tired of having to take nausea meds first thing every morning so that I can proceed with my day. I am tired of never being able to make plans, I am tired of telling him not tonight honey, I am just too tired or I hurt too much. But every night there he is continuing to love me and every night massaging my diseased body until I fall asleep. He doesn’t complain, just loves me, worts and all. But I still feel guilty that I can’t do more for him.
I am tired of being strong. I want to just give in and be allowed to be a sick person. I want to able to lay down when I need/want to, to say no when I need to take care of ME. I am just tired of this continuous daily fight I have to go thru, just to try to have a semi normal life. But as always, I have to get back up, put my happy face on and do what I have to do.
Then I feel bad about even complaining as others have it so much worse than me, i.e. Sniper’s wife or NyVeggie or Dunny. I hate that I am sick, but never sick enough. I am just so tired of this daily continuous fight. I am tired of never having good days, but having to accept somewhat better days instead. Tired of feeling guilty about it too.
Don’t know where I am going with all this, but I just need to get it out. To those closet shrinks, no I am not depressed, I am just tired! Thanks to those who took the time to read this. Hugs!