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Posted 5/27/2011 1:37 AM (GMT -7)
I woke at 2 am even though I didn't go to bed until after midnight . Bad bad dreams again and my old gut is tide in knots . Maybe because my wife has a CT scan Monday and will soon be on a much harsher chemo. Maybe because the water that has been coming down for so long will finally reach us this weekend . Maybe all of the death and destruction north of us , I am not sure but something has me feeling like my dog just died . I cant shake the shakes . Despite all my work to not fall back into depression I seem bound for that destination . I have been sitting here for hours trying all the tricks my shrink has taught me and nothing is working for me. What to do ? The happy pills are not working either though I never stop them when things get this bad they just don't help . I really really hate this and fear going backward to a darker place . I don't even know why I am writing this except that I feel that it could help in some unknown way . You guys have enough troubles of your own yet here I am blabbing on about mine . Not my best I know. Crap this really really sucks .
Posted 5/27/2011 4:58 AM (GMT -7)
You are writing it because that is what we are here for. Get it all out and maybe just a little of the burden will ease. We can't do anything about the CT scan, flood waters or anything else, but we can listen to you and let you vent away, and sometimes that is just what we need. I hope the light of day helps chase away some of the darkness.
Posted 5/27/2011 5:08 AM (GMT -7)
Writing things down, in any form, usually helps dealing with it...your words are ALWAYS meaningful and never burdensome so write away!
Posted 5/27/2011 5:43 AM (GMT -7)
Get it all out my friend! I'm kinda hoping that although we're replying to this post, that, you right now
are getting some much needed rest.
I'm guessing you're going through some PTSS right now. My feeling is that you need to quit worrying
about others hardships, you can't help them! Plus it's your turn. You have enough going on in your life,
that would have had a lesser person on their knees right now. Me for one, I have one burst pipe in my
ceiling and you would think the bottom of my world has dropped out. I'm whining because I have to go
out to shop for replacement furniture, *sigh* Most people would give their first born to be able to do that!!
And here I am complaining about it!
It's this bloody disease!!!!!!

Feel better soon, and I pray that the CT on Monday will be not so bad!
Posted 5/27/2011 6:12 AM (GMT -7)
PS. Sniper, perhaps they will let you blow up balloons for me on Tuesday when I have my balloon thingy :)
Posted 5/27/2011 6:29 AM (GMT -7)
Oh, pooh, Sniper. I think Momma Nature has Crohn's disease and is in one flell of a hare right now. She sure is taking it out on a lotta the US - and other areas of the world as well.

And she seems to be inspiring Murphy to be especially mean and spiteful and Murphy seems to have found your house. These darn Irishmen when they get soused in their booze can be some pretty nasty boys.

We're all out hunting for Momma Nature w/a double dose of Remicade for her and w/a live-trap for Murphy so we can get him dried out.

Plus, most importantly, our hopes and prayers and (((hugs))) for you and yours.
Posted 5/27/2011 8:53 AM (GMT -7)
Sniper you have alot going on right now, and who wouldn't feel low with all that. But we are here for you and you can come here and vent anytime you need.

Praying for a peaceful spirit for you, that the water stays away, and that Mrs. Sniper's tests come out well. We love you Sniper, you are part of our family. So when you have a need, lean on us, we are always here for you. I too pray that you are resting comfortably right now. Hugs!
Posted 5/27/2011 9:06 AM (GMT -7)
Some famous writer once said something about the dark nights of the soul, and I think there is something to talking about what is going on until it loses that rawness.

Good thoughts heading your way. 

Posted 5/27/2011 10:18 AM (GMT -7)

Sniper writing it down is one of the best things to release some of that yuck! 

But...am I the only one that found it ironic that the waters are a concern to you and you wrote your guts were "tide" in knots.  I think that your inner troubles just came out in your spelling....so keep typing away and let the dread come through the keys!

Wishing you less dark nights and glowing warm days.

Posted 5/27/2011 3:21 PM (GMT -7)
Oh, Sniper. It's no wonder you're feeling low. There isn't much that any of us can do except to be touched by your honest emotions, send our thoughts and prayers your way, and be honest back.

I may have never met you; I may have no idea what you look like or sound like or what your daily routines are; I may not know what kind of car you drive and what you have for dinner or do for entertainment. But I've come to care about you pretty deeply--and many of the people here would say the same thing to you. You've touched our lives and made us laugh when things were miserable, and we all hope that you know that.

Hang in. What you're going through is way too tough to smile through. Just know that we're with you in spirit.
Posted 5/27/2011 5:44 PM (GMT -7)
nawlinscate, what a lovely post!! You have echoed all of our thoughts so wonderfully.
Posted 5/27/2011 8:04 PM (GMT -7)
I wish that I could send you back some of the help you have given me when I thought times were bad. Your creative humor has helped me so much in the past. Truth be told you are in a tough place right now. I and others here on the forum are feeling your pain. I would like to take some of it off your shoulders if I could. Send me a bit but not too much as I don't think I have your strength that you have shown here. Hang tight and things will get better. My thoughts are with you and your wife sir. Guy
Posted 5/27/2011 10:27 PM (GMT -7)
Thanks everyone for the kindness and the love . I crawled down stairs after I burdened you all with my troubles . Made a pot of coffee and sat on the back porch watching to sun rise. The water is up in the yard but if all the flood structures hold I think we are ok , its just going to leave some mud in the back and thats not anything I will need to deal with for a while . God put it there he will plant some grass or weeds on it. My old insides have been kicking my behind for a few weeks now . I know why and I also know there isn't a fix for it . I worry about my wife and her cancer and that causes stress. Stress = nightmares =bad memories = no sleep= gut trouble= skin rash= burning face and pain= me with a bad case of the shakes at 2 AM.
Doc here has pushed up the tests to see if my wifes cancer is growing. Either way both of her cancer doctors want to put her back on a harsh chemo before it spreads into her lungs or her liver . I know their thinking is sound but she suffers so when on this stuff. There is also talk about radiation . If you have ever seen what that does in the way of burned flesh and pain then you know why it hurts so bad to see the one you love have to face it. I run around in circles all day wondering , what can I do , what can I say , how can I help ? I'm stinking useless . You guys said to write it down , well this is about it in a nut shell . I feel like the world is trying to stuff 500 pounds of trouble into my ten pound bag and now it is spilling out all over . Habs, the tide spelling may have been Freudian but its just as likely a case of me being a crappy speller . I lost a lot of memory when I had a breakdown the last time the weight of my life was too heavy to bear ,some where around the mid 1970's. Spelling , important events , dates and places and oh yes one more small thing was lost . Who I was . I'm still not too sure about that one but my wife says I'm me and thats good enough . When you cant recall your own name you would think you were up crap creek without a paddle , but Uncle Sam said I was OK and sent me home and my wife dealt with it . That only took several years and four shrinks , oh , and most of our money . I don't know if PTSD ever really is gone and I guess I worry about falling back into the fire. So now you have it , part of the story of my wonderful life so far. I did censor some of the really bad stuff just to keep the PG rating .
And one more thing , Ms Cate, most everyone else may be too far away for me to meet, but my wife has wanted to go back to the Nawlins aquarium for a while and we may head that way when the water goes down . I'd love to buy you dinner and that also goes for anyone else here that we could manage to meet . Thanks for listening and being here for me . I'll be ok , just have to get through a few more really bad days. I can stay awake that long if I need to .
Posted 5/27/2011 11:46 PM (GMT -7)
Well Sniper I'll listen to  you anytime.  Sorry I haven't been on much lately.  Best wishes and thoughts headed from me to you!
Posted 5/28/2011 1:58 AM (GMT -7)
hang tough man.. i been off 4 days for computer fixin so im late too.. good luck on everything. randy
Posted 5/28/2011 11:55 AM (GMT -7)
Hey, Sniper, let me tell you a story: Right before Katrina, I took on the job of resident manager of the 93-unit condominium complex in which we lived. Which meant that, after the storm, I spent two years of my life in 24-hour-a-day service to 93 hysterical owners (and another 30 or so tenants), with pretty much sole responsibility for everything connected with the restoration and renovation, including handling incredibly complex insurance claims, working hand-in-hand with two contractors (and then being instrumental in our winning a massive lawsuit against the first, crooked one), etc. Then there was the unfathomably bad 27-hour drive by myself (oh, yeah, try that one with Crohn's! Mississippi didn't even let cars get off the highway until Hattiesburg.) to my younger daughter's home in Atlanta during the Gustav evacuation. And then came the BP disaster. At which point, my husband and I decided that, no matter how much we loved New Orleans, we'd gotten too old and too exhausted to keep dealing with the seemingly endless punches of demoralizing disasters.

So, after 35 years in New Orleans, we pulled up stakes a few months ago. There's no way to describe what a relief it's been to be somewhere else, even though New Orleans will always be a part of who we are (and even though I still check nola.com several times a day and still wear my Saints and Bucktown Seafood Festival t-shirts proudly). Our older daughter is still in New Orleans, though, so I'll be back in town at least once this summer, probably twice. And I'll let you know when I'm going to be there, so maybe I can buy you guys dinner, rather than the other way around. I definitely owe you one--and I hope that your wife will be feeling well enough to handle something tasty.

In the meantime, stay strong, however you can. And I hope the water level stays low.
Posted 5/28/2011 5:28 PM (GMT -7)
I wish I could meet you at the aquarium. Could bring my fishing pole?

Hang in there good guy. I can't imagine the load you are bearing.
Posted 5/28/2011 9:56 PM (GMT -7)
Sounds like you have been through the ringer down here too Cate. I sometimes would like to leave here but dont know where or how to handle a new start. Just finding doctors would be a nightmare . My offer still stands for dinner but if you would like , we could draw straws for the check. I will bring my pack of short straws and you can pick first. After all, I am a southern gentleman . Funguy , I recommend a fishing trip in the bay here and for you to hook into a good fighting red fish , followed by grilling it on the pit with butter and lemon juice. That would make looking at the white alligators in the zoo a lot less appetizing . Dawg , I'm still looking for that last straw to fall but hoping it doesn't . I had a nap on the back porch today and that will serve me well . No time to dream. If I recall my training one can go without sleep for about 3 or four days before the mind and body shuts down or one looses touch with reality. I'll just keep taking small naps. Sleep is so over rated anyway . Thank you for caring about my wife and I and for talking to me here . The words mean a lot to me as do all of you people. I'll be stumbling along as best as I can for a while and then I will catch my second wind and get back on my feet. A lot depends on how my wife does in the coming weeks and months. After all I can't lose more marbles . I'm down to just a tar and a chipped cateye right now . I can't lose what I don't have .
Posted 5/28/2011 10:04 PM (GMT -7)
Sniper,
I haven't been coming here long, but I have been here long enough to know you have been a positive influence in many, many lifes.
When I come here if there is a post from you it is the first thing I read. So many times your wit and humor have lightened my life. I hope you continue to come here and share with us so that maybe between us all we can just take a little of that weight you bear and lighten your load.
*HUG*
Sending love, light and positive energy to you and your wife.
~Toni
Posted 5/29/2011 7:40 AM (GMT -7)
Thanks SR. I'm doing my best. Trying to stay out of the little white jacket with the sleeves that tie in the back . Not that I am fashion conscious are anything but I don't like large buckles and chains . The Goth look just isn't me.
Posted 5/29/2011 12:55 PM (GMT -7)
Sniper you are so sweet. Your wife is lucky to have you. Stay strong. Lifting you up in prayer. God bless.
(((((((((sniper))))))))))
Posted 5/29/2011 9:36 PM (GMT -7)
Red fish is one I have never caught. Bluefish, Blackfish, yellow tail, rainbows, grayling but no red. Grilled with butter and lemon. Wow that visual is making my mouth water and my mind relax. Thanks. White alligators? Sounds like a punk rock band.
Posted 5/30/2011 5:07 PM (GMT -7)
There isn't much in this world better than fresh redfish grilled with butter and lemon. Trust me.
Posted 5/30/2011 5:09 PM (GMT -7)
I will accept your pronouncement and will, someday, glady verify it!
Posted 5/31/2011 7:36 AM (GMT -7)
Hey Sniper I heard on the news this weekend that they think you guys are not going to get the water you were expected to get. Is that true? I sure hope so!

I hope you are in better spirits today, and that the sun is shining down on you and your love today. Much love from me to you both!! Hugs!
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