Posted 10/26/2015 5:03 PM (GMT -7)
I totally get feeling depressed about all of this. I was doing pretty well with my health until about 3 months after I got married. Then I started flaring, got the abscess that turned into the RV fistula, got pancreatitis, was on a feeding tube, and got c. diff. a few times. 13 hospitalizations in my first 10 months of marriage! Then I got pregnant a couple of months later (surprise, the pill doesn't work for me!). The pregnancy went pretty well, but when my daughter was 3 months old, everything went crazy again. I was hospitalized 10 times from when she was 3-8 months old. Talk about depressing! There was a woman in my church group who was practically raising my daughter while my husband worked (he'd only been at this new job for about 6 months), and I was just stuck in the hospital: c. diff., abscess, pancreatitis, I went septic twice, influenza, you name it!
So I really, really totally get how frustrating and hard this is! For me, my faith helped a lot. I can share more about that if you want, but I get that not everyone wants that answer and I don't want to push it. :)
So by the time we started Remicade (which is supposed to help fistulae heal), we took out the seton but I kept getting c. diff., and it never closed. We stuck the seton back in for a year and half, and last year when I was healthy and in remission, we took it out again and tried a plug surgery to stimulate growth. Unfortunately, by that time, the skin around it had all healed, so it's a lot like a pierced ear. So now I just deal with it! It's really, honestly not that bad at all. The only time I notice it's there is if I try to hold back gas and it comes out my vagina instead, lol.
I know when it hurts and is there, it's hard to be able to relax about it. The decision I've come to about my health is this: I can't change it. It's there, and I'm just going to assume it's going to be this way the rest of my life. So I can either be depressed about it, or I can choose to be happy. Neither attitude will change the circumstances, so I'd rather just be happy. It's not easy some days, but that's what I try to hang onto.
You may also want to talk to your OB - it is super common to get postpartum depression, and people with hard conditions can also struggle with situational depression. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of or embarrassed about either (or both).
CD, gastroparesis, fibro, arthritis, GERD
"For this thing I besought the Lord thrice that it depart from me. He said, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities; I take pleasure in infirmities, reproaches, necessities, persecutions, distresses, for when I am weak, then am I strong." 2 Cor 12