Had some tragic news

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NiceCupOfTea
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Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 10095
   Posted 11/22/2017 6:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Found out yesterday my brother killed himself.

I have had it with life. I cannot remember the last time anything good happened to me and with each passing year worse and worse stuff happens. Don't worry: nobody has to talk me out of doing anything stupid. I couldn't do that to my parents, it would be horrifically unfair to them. But hell, when they're gone bring on terminal lymphoma, or whatever, I don't care. I really, really, really don't care.

73monte
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Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1775
   Posted 11/22/2017 6:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Miranda,

What absolutely horrifying news. I'm so very sorry that this has happened to you and your family. Your Brother must have been coping with some awful things in his life. So many that get to this painful point, have internalized their struggles to the point where some around them don't even have an idea of how bad things are. I'm sure as you mentioned, that your Parents are suffering immensely. Please accept my most sincere condolences.

Tom.

scifigal2k
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Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 3320
   Posted 11/22/2017 7:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh my goodness, Miranda, I am so incredibly sorry. Is this the brother who also has Crohn's? I can't even imagine the heartache you all are going through.
"For this thing I besought the Lord thrice that it depart from me. He said, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities; I take pleasure in infirmities, reproaches, necessities, persecutions, distresses, for when I am weak, then am I strong" 2 Cor

gumby44
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Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 4391
   Posted 11/22/2017 7:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh Miranda, I'm so terribly sorry! You have two brothers, right? I don't think I know much of their stories, but you can share that if you want and when you are ready. In the meantime, please take good care of yourself. You definitely should see if you can get some crisis counseling if it is available to you. I'll be watching this board closely, or you can e-mail me directly if you need to vent, or is there is anything I can do to help. I can only imagine how painful this must be for you. I love you.....please be gentle with yourself.

Labradorite
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Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 999
   Posted 11/23/2017 12:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh dear, I am so so sorry for your loss. That is absolutely horrific and as others have said, I can not even imagine what you are going through. Please share more if you feel up to it . I will be around more If you would like to talk or vent. Much love and hugs to you.

ambling
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Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 632
   Posted 11/23/2017 5:18 AM (GMT -7)   
So sorry ncot....
Is that the brother who had mild crohns?

I often think life is some kind of preamble for the next world. We will all get relief eventually. In the mean time we make the best of it.
Happiness is possible even I need the darkest moments.

Wish you well

straydog
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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 15326
   Posted 11/23/2017 5:24 AM (GMT -7)   
NCOT, you & your family have my deepest condolences. Losing a sibling is devastating.
Susie
Moderator in Chronic Pain & Psoriasis Forums

EruditePaul
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 315
   Posted 11/23/2017 6:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Miranda: A lot of people on this board care about you. I know this is a difficult time, that's why family stay together and help. Stay strong and let's us know how you are doing.

sparkleplenty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 566
   Posted 11/23/2017 8:47 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm so sorry. Lots of love to you and your family.

NiceCupOfTea
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 10095
   Posted 11/23/2017 10:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks folks. I veer between feeling almost normal and feeling distraught/suicidal. I'm at the almost normal stage now, so let's see if I can talk about it without breaking down into tears... :/

A bit of background first of all. I'm the youngest out of four children: I have three older brothers. Brother 1 is the youngest and is the one who committed suicide, brother 2 is the middle one and brother 3 is the eldest. It's brother 3 who has mild Crohn's, but also the only one out of the four of us who has escaped being a total screw up.

Growing up we had quite a difficult time of it. Our dad was ultra strict and remote and it was rarely a happy atmosphere when he was around. Apparently the two older boys bullied brother 1 and I got bullied by all 3 in turn. I had a difficult relationship with brother 1. He could occasionally be kind but sometimes he could be a cruel b@stard too. It wasn't until I was much older I realised he had problems of his own. He was admitted to a psychiatric ward as a teenager (something both parents had forgotten until I reminded them). He also clashed with my dad constantly and was eventually chucked out of home.

As adults we all went our separate ways. Brother 1 married a European woman but a few years later they split up. It was an amicable split and they remained friends afterwards. We always thought my brother never really got over the breakup and continued to hold a candle for his ex wife. (They had no kids by the way.) Brother 1 wasn't happy in the UK and went to live in Eastern Europe. Naturally I saw much less of him, but occasionally he would come over to England and stay with my parents for a week or two. There was often an underlying tension to these visits. And about 3 years ago the sh!t really hit the fan. The whole story would take a while to tell, but in a nutshell my brother, who had been drinking with my mum, went into my dad's study to confront him over something. My dad stormed out of the house and spent the night at brother 3's place.

My dad afterwards was weird beyond belief about the episode. He claimed he was scared of being attacked; rubbish. I was standing outside the study at the time - my brother never even raised his voice. He's a talker, not a fighter. Anyway, some time later my brother sent my dad a conciliatory letter. My dad replied; even though his reply accepted the olive branch, it struck me once again as being peculiarly unpleasant in tone. I wouldn't have liked being on the receiving end of it.

That's not to say I am perfect. In 2014 (or was it '13? I don't remember), my brother came to stay for a week, and I wouldn't speak to him. It was nothing he had done wrong, but at the time I felt like I couldn't cope with him - I was still living at home and going through the most dreadful time with my parents, particularly my dad. At the end of his stay me and my brother had possibly the worse and most bitter row we'd ever had. Actually it must have been in 2013 because I hadn't received my autism diagnosis yet. The next time I saw my brother, I had moved out of the parental home and received the autism diagnosis - which my brother knew about. We got on much better that visit, which was the last time he ever visited England. But it's not of the remotest comfort to me now.

The truth is, I often thought about emailing my brother and all the things I would say to him. But I never did it. Laziness, a reluctance to engage, fear of saying the wrong thing - I don't know. I just never did. For better or worse he was my closest brother to me in age and I felt a certain kinship with him, but I never expressed it. And never can now.

...

I took a break from typing this 'cos I was absolutely shattered and needed a long rest. And now I'm not sure where to begin again. I'll just wrap up what happened quickly. On Monday my parents got a visit from a policeman bringing the bad news. On Tuesday my dad phoned me and asked me to come over - he wouldn't say what about over the phone. As it so happened I had an Entyvio infusion that afternoon, but came as soon as I could afterwards. And that's when I found out my brother had committed suicide. He hanged himself, so not exactly any doubt about his intentions. He didn't leave much of a note: just instructions for his ashes to be thrown over his girlfriend's garden. (The girlfriend, of course, lives in the same country as my brother does. In short my brother doesn't want even his ashes to come back to the UK.)

My parents are distraught, although in different ways. My mum blames herself, my dad doesn't accept the slightest bit of blame. He is obviously devastated as well, don't get me wrong. But it does anger me the way he never accepts the slightest iota of responsibility for how his children turned out. He was a dreadful father in many ways, but he won't have it. Just says that's how his own father was, and how every father was in the past, and he's not like one of these new-fangled modern fathers.

Oh, and that time brother 1 went into the study causing my dad to storm out of the house? He was upset on my behalf. I'd told him my dad had hit me a few times (true), and he was outraged. Anyway, I nearly got into a blazing row with my dad yesterday, but walked out of the room before it could really blow up.

I miss my brother. I never thought I would say that, but I do. I never got the chance to go and stay with him in Eastern Europe, which I would have liked. I am also worried about brother 2. He is alone as hell and prone to depression. Brother 1 said to my mum once that not only did he think about committing suicide every day, brother 2 apparently did too. Yes, we're a morbid family. Brother 3 is the only one who is relatively stable and normal, and who has a family of his own. He has also taken over the practical side of things and wants to fly over to the town my brother lived in to speak to the people who knew him.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the novel folks. I tried to keep it brief and to the point, but it's so hard when it feels like there's a million things to say.

Dimitri71
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2017
Total Posts : 77
   Posted 11/23/2017 10:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear Miranda,
My condolences to you and your family. God bless your brother.
As a father raising a family with three kids, I can tell you it's difficult to always bring out your best self.
At the end of the day, 99% of men are less than perfect.
What you describe is certainly unpleasant, but not so uncommon...most families have problems, but at the end of the day there is no stronger bond than a family...your love for your all your family is evident.
It is never late to express your feelings and thoughts to them, I think it it will help the rest of your family.
Your brother will be listening from up there.
God bless you through this challenge. Let us know how you do.

gumby44
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 4391
   Posted 11/23/2017 1:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Miranda.
Thanks for sharing your story. I do remember you getting into it with your family when your brother visited. I'm struggling to know what to say that might be of comfort. It's human nature to go over every memory you have and then with suicide to feel regrets over what you never said or did. You will probably go over and over that in your head, like picking at a scab until you are ready to move forward. I really hope you can find a therapist to talk to, or at least a support group of family member of suicide victims.
I know you are going to hurt for a long time, but none of this is your fault; try to remember that. Don't try to figure anything out....just breathe and get through it. When you are ready, visiting the town where your brother lived might be therapeutic. I'm not religious, so I can't tell you I believe he is in a better place, but at least you know he's not suffering. Sending all my love your way!
58 yr. old female, diagnosed with Crohn's in terminal ileum Sept-Oct. 2007. Dx. with c.difficile 1/12, 10/14, 11/15, 1/16. Fecal transplant on 2/24/16, and so far, no more c.diff!

5/20/14: Ileo-colic resection surgery after stricturing and partial bowel obstruction.
Not currently on any Crohn's meds and in remission, but struggling with bad IBS.

Plucky
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2013
Total Posts : 357
   Posted 11/23/2017 7:54 PM (GMT -7)   
NCOT,
My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry you didn't get the parents you deserved--thst your dad is an abusive *%# abd that your mother obviously allowed it and didn't do better by you. As an adult now you have zero obligation to these people, your parents, who so clearly failed you. You should want to live for yourself and not to spare them any grief. I know things have been tough for you, but they will get better. And you deserve to be happy. XO
37yr female, dx UC '04, dx changed Crohn's Colitis '17
Currently: Total Colectomy Oct. 2017!
Previously used: Remicade, Humira, Stelara, Imuran, 6MP, Apriso, Asacol, Lialda, Delzicol, Pentasa, Cortenema, Cortifoam, Rowasa, Canasa, Entocort, Uceris, Uceris foam, Prednisone
I'm Gluten-free. Supps: VSL#3, Cal/Mag, Vit D, Krill oil, EZFE

JaSanne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 2082
   Posted 11/23/2017 9:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Miranda, I am so very sorry to hear about your brother. My family has experienced two suicides - my sister and years later, her daughter - so I understand the pain you're going through right now. I know there's nothing I can say to take away any of that pain, but just know I care. -Joy

Post Edited (JaSanne) : 11/23/2017 9:08:39 PM (GMT-7)


scifigal2k
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 3320
   Posted 11/24/2017 5:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh Miranda, I wish so much I could be there and just give you a hug. I am so, so sorry.
"For this thing I besought the Lord thrice that it depart from me. He said, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities; I take pleasure in infirmities, reproaches, necessities, persecutions, distresses, for when I am weak, then am I strong" 2 Cor

BETTY SUE
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2015
Total Posts : 232
   Posted 11/24/2017 6:41 PM (GMT -7)   
I am so so sorry to hear about the death of your brother. I don't even know what to write except my heart goes out to you and your family and I am sending virtual hugs.

mirowpl
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 11/25/2017 6:26 AM (GMT -7)   
NCOT. I am so sorry. Sending condolences across the ocean. My wife’s mother and her father both committed suicide, 20 yrs apart. The father was second. He never got over losing his wife. I keep my wife focused on all the good she got from her parents and leave the bad stuff alone. I also encourage her to talk to people about it, not for sympathy, but for her to be able to reflect better. My youngest son has severe depression and has committed himself twice as he was suicidial. A few weeks ago he was talking to my wife on the phone. She was reliving the hell she went through with her parents deaths. She came into the room crying...I asked what was wrong. She said it was all great, those were tears of happiness as my son told her to not worry about him killing himself as now that he knows the fulll story of his grandparents, he told my wife he could never put her through that again. So, I know it is not easy right now, but find ways to talk about it as time goes on.

Sorry for the long response. We are here for you.
surgeries: 2 resections at terminal ilium, open heart surgery, infected lymphocele surgically removed, crainotomy to remove benign tumor; adominal hernia,

conditions: A-fib, High blood pressure, gout, crohn's, edema, cellulitis, other heart issues,, osteopenia

medications:
Entyvio,methotrexate injections, , verapamil , quinipril, labetalol, clorithidone, atorvastatin, alluporinol, elliquis

notsosicklygirl
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 15427
   Posted 11/25/2017 2:35 PM (GMT -7)   
I am so sorry to see this. I know you always felt like you had some things to say to your brother, and you never had the right opportunity to say them, and that hurts. You should definitely try to spend some quality time with brother 2. It sounds like perhaps you could lean on each other. Very sorry for your loss. *hugs*
Co-moderator: Ulcerative Colitis
Currently: no meds. 6/15 Step One J-pouch Surgery Complete! 9/15 Step Two Complete! 11/15 Step 3 Complete!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish.

NiceCupOfTea
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 10095
   Posted 11/25/2017 5:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks folks.

I'm not feeling any better; if anything, worse after a falling out with my mum. Not sure what triggered it exactly, but I was deeply tired and got up to leave early, which led to a few short comments on both sides. It wasn't a row exactly, but it wasn't very pleasant either.

Last Monday I saw the opthalmologist and found out I had uveitis in both eyes. I've become absolutely convinced I'm going to eventually end up losing vision in one or both of my eyes. My vision goes blurry a lot of the time; I could hardly see the film I was watching tonight. That might be a side-effect of the antidepressant, I dunno, but it wasn't this bad last time I was on it.

This has easily been the worst year of my life and there is no prospect of things getting any better. I don't really have anything to carry on for.
Dx Crohn's in June 2000. (Yay skull)
Tried: 5-ASAs, azathioprine, 6MP, Remicade, methotrexate, Humira, diets.
1st surgery 20/2/13 - subtotal colectomy with end ileostomy.
2nd surgery 10/7/15 - ileorectal anastomosis. Stoma reversed and ileum connected to the rectum.
Current status: Chronic flare. Do I have any other kind?
Current meds: 50mg 6MP; Entyvio (started 3/11/16)

dorri
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1960
   Posted 11/25/2017 8:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh, how terrible and tragic to lose your brother. I am so terribly sorry for your loss, if only I could do something to help you, I would. I lost my brother too in a car crash but still remember how awful the pain, so I understand. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Think your parents are just reacting in their own way, your dad's reaction may be a tough guy act but when alone, he may feel the sorrow you do not see upfront? Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

clo2014
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2015
Total Posts : 723
   Posted 11/25/2017 9:39 PM (GMT -7)   
NCOT,

I am so sorry that you are going thru this. Suicide is hard to understand. It seems as if you are always searching for answers and questioning everything you thought, said or did. I wish I could just give you a big hug. Try to concentrate on the good times you did have with your brother....and know that there wasn't anything you could have done.

Hang in there....

Clo

therearemiracles
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Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 3534
   Posted 11/26/2017 4:33 AM (GMT -7)   
NCOT,

You have been so helpful here, I hope we can help you through this too!

I've had many things take a toll on my nerves and emotions and for a short time took xanax and this helped. You will have good days and bad days and then you will notice you will have many more good days as time goes by.

I'm sending you a hug and a comfort. I'm sorry you have to deal with this right now, while you are healing and trying to deal with crohns and your eye problem too. We all need a break!!

Linda

iPoop
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Aug 2012
Total Posts : 11046
   Posted 11/26/2017 8:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Condolences Miranda. That's rough! Hang in there!

FYI every family has its quirks and issues. Nobody lives in an always happy sitcom family!
Moderator Ulcerative Colitis
John
, 39, UC Proctosigmoiditis
Rx: Remicade @5mgs/kg/6wks; daily 75mgs 6MP, 4.8g generic-Lialda, and rowasa

U.C. = Unimaginable Crapnado

Poppie
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2014
Total Posts : 1998
   Posted 11/26/2017 4:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Ncot..sorry to hear that, you must be feeling awfull.

Be kind to yourself...
Samantha
Stopped smoking Jan 2013. Diagnosed Left sided UC, 8th Feb 2014.
Gluten, Dairy, Sulfite, Salicylate, and Histamine intolerant.
Home FMT treatment in July 2016 to ward off reoccurrence of C DIfficile.
Failed Pentasa, Azathioprine and finally Methotextrate due to allergies/intolerance. Taking Humira. Have finally come off Prednisone Yay!!!

NiceCupOfTea
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 10095
   Posted 11/27/2017 5:20 AM (GMT -7)   
FYI every family has its quirks and issues. Nobody lives in an always happy sitcom family!

So committing suicide is just a "quirk" or an "issue" then? Jeez, don't take up bereavement counselling.

And don't give me that absolute, utter rubbish about no family being normal or happy: it's the same absolute, utter rubbish my mum and dad have been coming out with to excuse my family's dysfunctional behaviour for years. Some people who can't face up to reality will do or say literally anything to make themselves feel normal at the expensive of their unfortunate victims. And they love the show of normality, no matter how bonkers they are behind the scenes.

So, no, I don't buy that BS for a single, solitary moment. No family may be 100% happy 100% of the time, but that doesn't give you carte blanche to behave like a total arse towards your supposed nearest and dearest.

I don't forgive my extended family either.
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