Had some tragic news

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gumby44
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Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 4392
   Posted 11/27/2017 6:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey there Miranda,
I can't speak for the poster who made the happy sitcom family remark, but I do think your parents may have royally screwed up and abused you, but they are also probably really hurting and care about you at the same time. You don't have to forgive them, but you don't have to completely reject them either. Life is much more complicated than that.
What's going on now? Are you having a memorial service or funeral. How are you spending your days? I hope you are ok and finding support somewhere.
58 yr. old female, diagnosed with Crohn's in terminal ileum Sept-Oct. 2007. Dx. with c.difficile 1/12, 10/14, 11/15, 1/16. Fecal transplant on 2/24/16, and so far, no more c.diff!

5/20/14: Ileo-colic resection surgery after stricturing and partial bowel obstruction.
Not currently on any Crohn's meds and in remission, but struggling with bad IBS.

EruditePaul
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 315
   Posted 11/27/2017 7:03 AM (GMT -7)   
This morning I just looked uveitis up. It says that Crohn's Disease can cause uveitis, which is really news to me and kind of shocking. Anyone else on this board has uveitis caused by Crohn's? I hope you are getting better, NCOT.
Diagnosed of Crohn's Disease in 1994. Having been treated exclusively with Chinese herbs for 20 years. Currently not on any western medicine.

TroubledTurds
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Date Joined Jan 2004
Total Posts : 8038
   Posted 11/27/2017 7:51 AM (GMT -7)   
"FYI every family has its quirks and issues."

seriously ? pretty sure suicide doesn't fall under the category of "quirks and issues" -

*** !



sorry for your loss NCOT -
dx'd with pancolitis 12/21/03
current supplements:vit D, cal/mag, Psyllium Seed powder/Heather's Acacia fiber/ L-Glutamine/Hemp powder slurry 1x/week - grain free/paleoish diet that includes 100% grass fed beef, raw goat milk, & local organic free range eggs, lots of all natural well water, exercise, sleep as much as possible & enjoy this great life that God has blessed me with !

iPoop
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Date Joined Aug 2012
Total Posts : 11047
   Posted 11/27/2017 9:05 AM (GMT -7)   
To clarify, suicide does not = quirks and issues. Not what I was referring to or implying, and please do not twist my words mr TroubledTurds. smile

What I was referring to was that there is a lot of tension within the family dad versus siblings, siblings versus siblings. Everybody feels that his/her family is the one odd ball out there, partly instilled by Sitcoms which instill an unrealistic expectation that all families are perfectly happy, and when yours is not... My family is anything but perfect!

Again, it's truly tragic and tough to cope with the loss of a sibling. We're thinking of you NCOT/Miranda! You'll get through it, it's just never easy!

JaSanne
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Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 2082
   Posted 11/27/2017 12:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Miranda, I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. -Joy
Female, late 50s--CD over 45 yrs; Hemi-colectomy '01; spinal cord injury '01; fistulae since '97; enteropathic arthritis

minnietoty
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Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 2752
   Posted 11/27/2017 2:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh, my goodness. I'm so sorry for your loss.
GERD, perianal fistula, CD, IBS, persistent mouth ulcers & fissures
___________________
Meds: Remicade, Cortiment, Nexium, Imuran, colifoam, monthly B12 inj.
Pred 40 mg from Oct. 2010 till Jan. 2012
Previous: Mesalamine tablets & supp.
Failed:Azathioprine (generic), Methotrexate

NiceCupOfTea
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Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 10096
   Posted 11/27/2017 4:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks folks.

I went to my gardening group today. I asked to be alone as I didn't feel like talking to anyone - but I did tell just one person what had happened. I ended up potting sweetpeas with her in the new potting shed for most of the session. Couldn't bring myself to tell anyone else. The group leader, who I like a lot, asked me about my appointment last week. So I told her about how I had uveitis in both eyes, which is probably what she thinks I'm depressed about :-/

Afterwards I tried to make an appointment with my GP, but the jobsworth receptionist told me she wasn't accepting pre-bookings. Like fudge am I phoning up at 8am on the offchance my GP might have a free slot that day, so I just walked away in a bad mood.

In other news, the UK is carrying on towards its destiny of becoming a banana republic. The main news of the day has been Prince Harry and Meghan's engagement, a subject about which there aren't sufficient words in the dictionary to express my profound lack of interest. If it was possible to be less interested I would be, but it's not physically possible for me to be any less interested. The only mildly interesting thing was seeing what bad news the government would try to bury behind the "good" news. Quite a bit, as it so happens.

Incidentally I wonder if this Brexit farce had anything at all to do with my brother's death. It's not just the status of EU citizens in the UK that's wholly uncertain; UK citizens in EU countries also don't know what's going to happen to them. Maybe he just lost hope in the future.

@gumby - Whatever funeral or memorial service there is will be held in the town that my brother was living in; he has already stated that he didn't want his ashes to be flown back to the UK. My mum and brother are going there this weekend - I wasn't invited, which is par for the course. Yes, I am angry and not even trying to hide it. (I seem to only have two states of mind these days - pure anger and pure sadness. Or three, if numbness counts as a state.)

I'm not doing much and don't want to do much. Even before my brother's death I was struggling but this has tipped me over into full blown depression, where I can't rise above the thoughts anymore; there is nothing positive to rise to.

@soy - I finally took you off ignore >.> Thank you. And thanks to everyone else too. I'm sorry I haven't had the energy to reply to everyone individually but I have read all your posts.

scifigal2k
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Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 3321
   Posted 11/27/2017 5:43 PM (GMT -7)   
NCOT, I know you've had trouble in the past getting help from the psychology side of things, but maybe the fact that your brother just committed suicide and that it's really effecting you will get them to treat you sooner?
"For this thing I besought the Lord thrice that it depart from me. He said, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities; I take pleasure in infirmities, reproaches, necessities, persecutions, distresses, for when I am weak, then am I strong" 2 Cor

gypsyfp
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 432
   Posted 11/27/2017 8:39 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm thinking of you NCOT and hoping that life gets less hard for you.
I hope you do whatever the hell you want to do with your time here on this messed up world.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle. -Philo of Alexandria

Live as if you liked yourself, and it may happen. -Marge Piercey

Mrs. Brady
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2015
Total Posts : 220
   Posted 11/28/2017 7:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Miranda, I am so sorry for your loss. This is truly tragic, sending you my sincerest condolences.

Cheryl

gumby44
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 4392
   Posted 11/28/2017 7:27 AM (GMT -7)   
That stinks that your mum and brother didn't invite you along to your brother's town. Sometimes it feels helpful to do something in memory of your brother....volunteering, planting something special in the garden, writing a poem or story of happier memories, etc. Are you able to locate a grief support group for family members of suicide victims? They have those groups here in the States.

At any rate, try to set little goals for yourself each day so you get up and keep moving. Grief seems to take forever and this type of loss is even harder. It's great that you confided to someone at your gardening club. I hope you can find some support. I'll be thinking of you.
58 yr. old female, diagnosed with Crohn's in terminal ileum Sept-Oct. 2007. Dx. with c.difficile 1/12, 10/14, 11/15, 1/16. Fecal transplant on 2/24/16, and so far, no more c.diff!

5/20/14: Ileo-colic resection surgery after stricturing and partial bowel obstruction.
Not currently on any Crohn's meds and in remission, but struggling with bad IBS.

HabsHockeyFan
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 3143
   Posted 11/28/2017 10:53 AM (GMT -7)   
NCOT I came in to check on some things when I happened on your post. I just wanted to say, although I can not completely understand your situation, I have lost a brother in the same way. It is incredibly hard when you think of all the pieces and try to understand and know how to feel and interact with the rest of the world after a suicide. I had not spoken of what happened for many years, but became more comfortable with speaking after time. There is a local support group here that is free that I wish was around when i needed it. I hope you can find one.
Not a deeply religious soul, but a priest explained during a baptism ceremony that we should feel for those that have committed suicide as they are those that have lost hope. We should all hold on to hope. I hope that the solace of the gardens can bring you hope.

Labradorite
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 999
   Posted 11/28/2017 3:36 PM (GMT -7)   
I second what Gumby suggested.

It's horrible that they haven't even invited you along. You need to be there as part for your grieving.

Messed up families are terribly hard to deal with in their own right. The consequences of the hurt never seems to go away, the only thing anyone can do is find ways to cope with it, which isn't easy and its even worse when it interferes with your ability to grieve.

Much love to you NCOT. please hang on to hope

beave
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1653
   Posted 11/28/2017 10:27 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm really sorry to hear this, NCOT. Hang in there.

NiceCupOfTea
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 10096
   Posted 11/29/2017 8:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks folks.

I appreciate a couple of you telling me I'm not being unreasonable, as my mum has an unfortunate habit of making me feel unreasonable. She says things like, 'I didn't think you'd want to come' or 'you're not missing anything', which isn't the point. Another thing which has bothered me as well (and isn't my parents' fault to be fair) is that my parents have received several sympathy cards and most of them were addressed to my parents only. Like, I'm not asking for a separate card but is it asking too much to think of the children who lost a brother as well?

Nothing ever changes with my family: my brother's death won't change them, I can already tell. My dad simply denies all responsibility, my mum ostentatiously takes on the burden of guilt but without actually becoming a better human being as a result. She won't behave any better towards me, I guarantee it. Not that she's always horrible; it's just that she's always had a genius instinct for being horrible at the times when I most need her to be nice: not when she decides to be nice.

So yeah, I usually go over there on a Wednesday but think I'll skip it for today. Think I'll skip going over there until Christmas is safely over in fact.

@scifigal - You would think it would work that way, wouldn't you, but it probably won't. The physical healthcare side of the NHS is still holding up, albeit under immense strain, but the mental health side has all but collapsed. At any rate I do have an appointment with my 'support' worker and a psych doc on the 12th December and I will tell them what happened, but I'm not expecting much (i.e. nothing at all).

@Habs - I'm sorry about your brother. I'm not a religious person either, but what the priest said makes perfect sense: suicide is a result of a loss of all hope. It's not just pain; it's also not seeing any end in sight to that pain. At any rate I am glad you held onto enough hope to keep on living at least.

Thanks everyone else.

straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 15332
   Posted 11/29/2017 8:34 AM (GMT -7)   
NCOT, I can empathize with the family situation. I am much older than you. There was 5 of us, I am the youngest. Our childhood was beyond horrendous, in fact if I ever told people the story they wouldn't believe it. We were a dysfunctional family long before that word ever existed. It was an environment no kid should have ever had to experience. How we survived it none of us know. In my early 30's I realized the anger & excess baggage from my childhood was still having a huge impact on my very being. I knew I would never get answers, no would there be any validation. I had to let go of the garbage so I could truly move forward with my own life. The past was strangling me & preventing me from living the life I really wanted. I do hope at some point you can do the same.

I am sorry that you did not get to go on the trip. I would have spoke up & said I want to go too. I learned to speak up for myself. I was raised in the era kids were to seen & not heard. As for the cards try not to let it get under your skin so much. The cards most likely are addressed as they are because you no longer live in that house.

You have so many raw emotions going on right now, everything has been brought to the surface. Allow yourself to grieve & remember grief has many different faces.
Susie
Moderator in Chronic Pain & Psoriasis Forums

NiceCupOfTea
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Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 10096
   Posted 11/29/2017 9:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Urgh, my mum hasn't even phoned up to see how I am or why I haven't come over today. She knew that I was upset when I left on Saturday evening and she hasn't phoned once.

**** my family, **** them. My mum is almost the perfect martyr: everyone thinks she is a fantastic mother to me. No, she isn't. This is the sort of manipulative sh!t she pulls with me behind the scenes and nobody but me gets to see it. She's a bitter and resentful person but hides it extremely well.

In the meantime I'm 42 and have nobody else in real life. My social anxiety has got worse over the years and makes it impossible to make new friends, let alone form a relationship.

I'm going to seriously consider cutting myself off from my family permanently from now on. When I'm at my most needy, my parents without fail let me down. My dad used to beat me up in front of my mum; did I ever get an apology from either of them for that? No, I did not. And "beat up" isn't too strong a word, considering he was lashing out with his fists over and over again.

I hope they suffer.

notsosicklygirl
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 15435
   Posted 11/29/2017 9:06 AM (GMT -7)   
I agree with the others. Going on the trip would be good for you & they should have been open to giving you the opportunity, but I have to wonder who is paying for the trip? My parents wouldn't pay for me to go anywhere. They haven't since I was in my early 20s. If I want to go somewhere, it's on me financially. If they want me to go somewhere, they would guilt me, but they would never offer to pay for any of my expenses to get there, or while traveling, even if it were for a death in the family. I know a lot of people have it that way with their families, they have supportive parents who would do anything to make sure they do the "right" thing, but not my family. Everything comes down to the bottom-line.

As for cards, it would be nice if they said Dear "family". I notice after the age of 20 or so, people don't consider you the "children" anymore. They expect that you're an adult with your own family, who doesn't receive mail at that address, and that you live on your own at another address. Maybe they will send you a card at your home? It's weird, the dynamics of life, friends, family... I think things are just different these days. My parents lived in the time of cards, now a days, it seems like no one sends them. I may get one from someone older once in a blue moon, sometimes from someone my age but very rarely, but never from someone younger. It's an old tradition. I seriously receive one card a year, if that. No one has my address anymore. I move so frequently.

I can't stand seeing the tabloid news either. I don't know why anyone cares about an engagement. I couldn't care less. They keep showing her "humble" beginnings on the news, and really, for Los Angeles, it's a very average, or above average home, probably a million dollars for that house. Most people can't afford to own a home in the city...

You really probably should cut them off, they sound toxic. The problem is just that you will end up in your own little world & with the social anxiety, it could be lonely shakehead
Co-moderator: Ulcerative Colitis
Currently: no meds. 6/15 Step One J-pouch Surgery Complete! 9/15 Step Two Complete! 11/15 Step 3 Complete!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish.

NiceCupOfTea
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 10096
   Posted 11/29/2017 9:07 AM (GMT -7)   
See my last post.

I'm not going on any trip. And I would have paid for myself. Look, I know you begrudge paying anything towards the society that you live in, even schools, but don't project your attitude onto me. I would have willingly paid my own air fare, costs towards food, etc. But I was never even given the option.

notsosicklygirl
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 15435
   Posted 11/29/2017 9:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Maybe you should do a fundraiser and go. They can't stop you from going. You're an adult.
Co-moderator: Ulcerative Colitis
Currently: no meds. 6/15 Step One J-pouch Surgery Complete! 9/15 Step Two Complete! 11/15 Step 3 Complete!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish.

NiceCupOfTea
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 10096
   Posted 11/29/2017 9:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Holy crap, no I'm not doing that. That couldn't end in anything except a disaster.

I don't know whether to go alone at a later date. I probably won't, considering I don't know anything about the place and there won't even be a grave to visit (my brother wants his ashes to be thrown over his girlfriend's garden).
Dx Crohn's in June 2000. (Yay skull)
Tried: 5-ASAs, azathioprine, 6MP, Remicade, methotrexate, Humira, diets.
1st surgery 20/2/13 - subtotal colectomy with end ileostomy.
2nd surgery 10/7/15 - ileorectal anastomosis. Stoma reversed and ileum connected to the rectum.
Current status: Chronic flare. Do I have any other kind?
Current meds: 50mg 6MP; Entyvio (started 3/11/16)

notsosicklygirl
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 15435
   Posted 11/29/2017 9:14 AM (GMT -7)   
You can come here and we can pass by megan merkle's house in the ghetto. That might get your mind off things.
Co-moderator: Ulcerative Colitis
Currently: no meds. 6/15 Step One J-pouch Surgery Complete! 9/15 Step Two Complete! 11/15 Step 3 Complete!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish.

NiceCupOfTea
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 10096
   Posted 11/29/2017 9:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you. I had to laugh, just for a millisecond. Didn't realise you lived so close to where Meghan lived.

notsosicklygirl
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 15435
   Posted 11/29/2017 9:18 AM (GMT -7)   
tongue Happy to make you smile. I live further into the depth of the ghetto. South of her.
Co-moderator: Ulcerative Colitis
Currently: no meds. 6/15 Step One J-pouch Surgery Complete! 9/15 Step Two Complete! 11/15 Step 3 Complete!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish.

NiceCupOfTea
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 10096
   Posted 11/29/2017 9:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Heh, aren't you the privileged one, living so close to a princess? >.> Seriously, have you seen Mail Online? Literally dozens of articles on her and Harry. It's just bizarre.
Dx Crohn's in June 2000. (Yay skull)
Tried: 5-ASAs, azathioprine, 6MP, Remicade, methotrexate, Humira, diets.
1st surgery 20/2/13 - subtotal colectomy with end ileostomy.
2nd surgery 10/7/15 - ileorectal anastomosis. Stoma reversed and ileum connected to the rectum.
Current status: Chronic flare. Do I have any other kind?
Current meds: 50mg 6MP; Entyvio (started 3/11/16)
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