I'm home now. I'm sorry I didn't post yesterday: I took some amitriptyline the night before to help me sleep and it left me a groggy mess all day. So last night I didn't take any, as I have a long drive today. I'm going to visit my friend in south London and spend New Year's Eve with her.
While my friend has been brilliant throughout, I'm afraid I'm still depressed about
everything and not in a much better frame of mind before I went into hospital. I'm still not in touch with my parents. On the day I left hospital I had a chat with my new care coordinator. She was concerned about
lack of support and wanted to call my mum. She was fairly persistent about
it so in the end I said - somewhat shirtily - that I didn't need any practical support, I needed emotional support and my parents couldn't give me that. I also said, even more angrily, that my mum knew I was in this place and she hadn't called me.
That was the only thing which got me riled. For the rest of the conversation I was depressed and immune to being cheered up. I've agreed to go the day hospital on Tuesday morning (Monday is a bank holiday). Not sure what that involves. Whether you get any actual help or if it's just more colouring and arts and crafts stuff.
Sorry I can't bring more positive news or be
more positive, but I just feel numb. I've not only lost a brother but the rest of my family. I don't actually give much of a toss about
their self-centred arses but the loss of my mum hurts. Oh, I could get in touch with her again. I could deal with her hostility and suspicion until she thaws. I could deal with her drinking, her denials, her ice-cold rage if I overstep myself, her enabling of my narcissistic dad (whilst b!tching to me about
him behind his back). And that I am the only person in the world (apart from my brilliant friend) who sees her for what she is: an emotional abuser whose pride is more important than her relationship with me.
The weird thing is, my mum keeps on placating everybody else til the cows come home. My dad, her friend, her sisters (or at least the one she has the closest relationship with and calls everyday). She has never-ending reserves of sympathy for her friend, her sister and her daughter-in-law. And when my maternal grandmother was still alive, my mother was dutifully visiting her twice a week, every week, while the golden children swanned in a few times a year at best.
Anyway, I have nobody else to fill the missing hole in my life. No other family. My mum has been my best "friend" all my life. She always seemed so sane and realistic compared to my frankly bonkers dad. While I still think she is a lot less delusional than he is, she has a fair number of delusions herself. I will never know what role, if any, my parents played in my brother's death. But considering my brother spent many years trying to speak to my mum about
his childhood and his feelings, but not getting anywhere (my mum simply dismissed them, as she did with me - I eventually gave up trying and so did my brother), it's hard for me to believe that they didn't have some part to play.
I just don't even begin to know how to start processing all this bollocks and move on. Not thinking about
it doesn't work - I just go numb, but, like the Crohn's, it hasn't gone anywhere. It's still there, making me deeply depressed.
Dx Crohn's in June 2000. (Yay )
Tried: 5-ASAs, azathioprine, 6MP, Remicade, methotrexate, Humira, diets.
1st surgery 20/2/13 - subtotal colectomy with end ileostomy.
2nd surgery 10/7/15 - ileorectal anastomosis. Stoma reversed and ileum connected to the rectum.
Current status: Chronic flare. Do I have any other kind?
Current meds: 50mg 6MP; Entyvio (started 3/11/16)