Hi folks. Providing you with an update 9 days later :p
Things haven't been great, to be honest. I had a bad weekend - a really
bad weekend. Several things combined to make me hit rock bottom for a couple of days. The first thing is this girl from the day hospital that I think I have mentioned on here. She has a crazily controlling family, who grounded her after she went out drinking until the early hours of the morning - she's 23, if that gives you any idea of how controlling this family is. I've been in touch with her for the past few weeks, sympathising and giving what advice I could, as well as trying to find charities and helpline numbers for her. I felt out of my depth from the beginning, but it was manageable at first since we weren't in touch very frequently. However at some point last week something changed, and she started ringing and texting me several times a day, trying to arrange various trips, etc.; it started becoming hard for me to take. I'm not somebody who keeps in touch every day, even with my best friends, and this girl wasn't my best friend. There was a particularly frazzling phone call last Friday, where she talked about
wanting to run away and sneaking alcohol into her room. She tried to persuade me to go to the pub, to which I said no - like I wanted that drama after what happened last time she went drinking. Afterwards I was completely depressed and unable to stop worrying about
her, but at the same time really, really wanting to just wash my hands of the whole affair.
Which I have sort of done now. Think the last straw was on Saturday night when she decided she wanted to leave her husband and young son and texted later on to to ask if she could stay with me - that was an instant hell no. She's all over the place. While I believe her family are pretty ghastly and she's not remotely wrong for wanting more freedom, I just do not have the ability to cope with her anymore. At any rate, I didn't take her phone calls or answer her texts today, because I had 3 hours of sleep last night and I've felt like a zombie all day. I hate being a coward so I suppose I will have to speak to her at some point - maybe tomorrow - but I can't help her anymore.
On Sunday I had a complete meltdown, for which Mother's Day was probably a partial trigger - I hadn't been able to miss it, 'cos it's been heavily advertised everywhere. Missing a couple of days of my antidepressant almost certainly didn't help either. I raged and I bawled my eyes out about
my brother and my parents. I culminated with shrieking to the four walls that my parents had killed their son. Obviously not directly! I meant that they contributed towards his depression, both as a teenager and as an adult. The decision, of course, was ultimately his and his alone. But I knew - everyone in the family knew really - that he was a troubled person who struggled with the past. And my parents are the last two people in the world who can cope with their children's honest feelings.
So I guess that was the closest to closure I'll ever get. I mean: there's no grave to visit and my parents won't ever acknowledge responsibility. My mum has abandoned me because her pride is more important and I do not forgive her for that.
Luckily, after an absolutely godawful, rock bottom weekend, things picked up a bit after that. I went to Lindengate yesterday, which helped to lift my spirits: it's such a nice place. Here's a few pictures... >.>
Purple flower. This photo was taken in the polytunnel at Lindengate at the height of the "Beast from the East". (Part 2 of Beast of the East is meant to be arriving this weekend, folks. Oh joy
I dug out this flower bed :p Planted some daffodils, geraniums, forget-me-nots and lychnis in it. You can't see it, but there's a pond just out of the picture. That patch of land was wasteland when I first started at Lindengate. Looks pretty awesome now. But I'll wait for some flowers to bloom first before taking more pics. VIEW IMAGE
Donkeys. These two are from the Donkey Sanctuary and visit Lindengate once a fortnight. VIEW IMAGE
Donkeys again, plus my arm. VIEW IMAGE
Phew. I'm knackered >_>.