Dating Someone With Crohn's Disease

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IRMF45
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Date Joined Mar 2018
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/1/2018 9:16 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi,

I wonder whether someone may be able to help me please.

I've met, who I feel, is an incredible woman at work who I'd like to date.

I do know from her work colleagues that she has Crohn's Disease.

Although I would never be able to understand what she goes through daily, the thought of dating her, and the additional considerations her condition would bring to any potential relationship, I have to say don't phase me.

I do know she had a partner in 2017 who shall we say was less than sympathetic to her condition which naturally upset her and the relationship ended. She is naturally quite shy and his attitude obviously hasn't helped.

So onto my question. I'd like to ask her out on the first date, but I'm conscious that first dates are quite stressful in their own right, without the extra consideration she would no doubt have in accepting my invite.

From the research I've done, I know stress could have a significant impact on her, so I'm looking to this forum to ask the 'experts' in what they would consider to be the least stressful date environment.

I don't know the severity of her condition or whether there are certain foods that trigger a 'flare up' for her, so I'm not sure whether the date should be a meal or just a drink. I'll be honest I've no idea whether she will even accept my invite, but I have a great deal of affection for her, so the last thing I want to do is bring any unnecessary stress for her and for it to have a negative effect on her health.

So could someone please offer some advice on the best approach?

Many thanks and kindest regards

Chris

NiceCupOfTea
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Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 10555
   Posted 3/1/2018 9:30 AM (GMT -6)   
You are overthinking this. Just ask her out and see if she accepts first. If she says yes, then you can discuss where you'd like to go that would suit both of you. If she wants to talk about her Crohn's, then listen to her, but I wouldn't mention it until she does to be honest. Ditto the unsympathetic ex.
Dx Crohn's in June 2000. (Yay skull)
Tried: 5-ASAs, azathioprine, 6MP, Remicade, methotrexate, Humira, diets.
1st surgery 20/2/13 - subtotal colectomy with end ileostomy.
2nd surgery 10/7/15 - ileorectal anastomosis. Stoma reversed and ileum connected to the rectum.
Current status: Chronic flare. Do I have any other kind?
Current meds: 50mg 6MP; Entyvio (started 3/11/16)

IRMF45
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Date Joined Mar 2018
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/1/2018 10:59 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi @NiceCupOfTea. Thank you for your very honest reply and insight. I just didn't want to make a mess of things that's all.

Thank you for putting me straight smile

Kindest Regards

Chris

straydog
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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 16409
   Posted 3/1/2018 11:29 AM (GMT -6)   
Chris, NCOT nailed it. If this lady accepts your invite and goes out with you great. If you two see dating in the future you need to let her be the one approach the health subject. If you decide on dinner somewhere, just ask her where she would like to eat dinner at.

Good luck.
Susie
Moderator in Chronic Pain & Psoriasis Forums

Dimitri71
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Date Joined Jul 2017
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 3/1/2018 3:31 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi RMF, maybe you could also ask her if she would prefer to go to a movie or a theatre.
That way she does not have to drink or eat if she doesn't want to and things will not be revolving around food.

Mak37
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Date Joined Jan 2018
Total Posts : 313
   Posted 3/1/2018 4:10 PM (GMT -6)   
I agree with dimitri, I’m a girl and would waaay rather go to a movie than dinner, dinner is too stressful for me. (Although not much anymore).
Diagnosed at 7, in the gray area between crohns and UC. Surgery on Jan 27, 2018 #nocolonstillrollin

IRMF45
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Date Joined Mar 2018
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/1/2018 6:22 PM (GMT -6)   
@straydog, @Dimitri71 and @Mak37. Thank you so much to all of you for taking the time to reply with your advice and guidance. Very much appreciated and duly noted. I really appreciate the need for her to tell me now and in respect of venue, I hadn't even thought about the movies or theatre. A great idea.

Kind regards.

Chris

gypsyfp
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Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 451
   Posted 3/1/2018 7:32 PM (GMT -6)   
I would say happy hour! You can both have a drink, loosen up, and not really worry about food.
You can't even talk to someone in a movie, so I think it's a terrible first date.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle. -Philo of Alexandria

Live as if you liked yourself, and it may happen. -Marge Piercey

JakeB
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 107
   Posted 3/1/2018 8:14 PM (GMT -6)   
My first date with my wife was at a restaurant. It went fine. Second date... had an accident with my disease. Thought it was going to kill any of my chances. She just helped where she could. A month after we were dating, I got admitted to the hospital. Never saw anyone so worried or rush me 80 mph down the freeway the two hour drive to my doctor.

Just some examples, though very serious ones, that could happen with someone with this disease. She obviously did all the right things... was there for me. And ultimately, that is all that mattered.

Labradorite
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 1119
   Posted 3/1/2018 11:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Agree with everyone's suggestions- choices are good, it lets her pick what she's most comfortable doing. I would also be aware that some medications restrict drinking alcohol. There is no saying that she is on one of these, she may very well not be, but it's good to know in case it comes up.

IRMF45
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2018
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/2/2018 12:29 AM (GMT -6)   
All. Thank you . @Labradorite. You must have been reading my mind because that was the conclusion I had come to.

My hopefully, date to be is the most important out of the two of us.

Obviously like any guy, I'm worried about her saying no. If it's no because she doesn't find me attractive, then that's life.

However, if it's no because she is fearful of a repeat of history, I'm really not sure how to tell her I know she has Crohn's disease, that I'm absolutely fine with it, and that I've done a fair amount of research to try to understand the disease and that should anything happen it's not an issue, without telling her if you all see what I mean.

For me, it's really important that she knows she's safe.

Kindest regards

Chris

randynoguts
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Date Joined Jan 2003
Total Posts : 6176
   Posted 3/2/2018 2:02 AM (GMT -6)   
irmf. i met my wife on a blind date. i had already had half a dozen surgeries etc.. since we were going to be driving to the date, i quickly explained that i had a digestive condition that may become active and that if for some reason i bolted from the table or rapidly exited the car, i would indeed return as quickly as i was able. i was quite disease active at the time. she said ok thanks for letting me know .

so if she says yes (wishing ya good luck) just be aware that she may do the same thing . she may ask to quickly find a restroom, or if it is somewhere she is familiar with she may just jump up and hurry off with no explanation.. so hurry up and ask and fill us in! :0)

also, i would not mention the crohns unless she tells you first . it would probably embarrass her that office gossip of such a personal matter was common knowledge.

IRMF45
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2018
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/2/2018 2:28 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi @randynoguts thank you very much for your reply. Yes I've started to formulate a plan so to speak.

She is really shy so going to take just little slower and I know she has some leave coming up at work, so may be a couple of weeks before I ask. I will however let you know how so get on.

Kind regards

Chris

Newmommy26
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2017
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 3/2/2018 6:56 AM (GMT -6)   
Good luck Chris.

I think it’s very sweet how much you care and want to make the lady feel as comfortable as possible. smile

IRMF45
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2018
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/2/2018 7:16 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you @Newmommy26. I'm my mind anyway, you support, love and protect people the ones you care about, share in the laughs and work through the tough times together and I care about her, a great deal ☺

Take care

Chris

Labradorite
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Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 1119
   Posted 3/2/2018 5:59 PM (GMT -6)   
I agree with newmommy, good luck to you!
When it seems appropriate, probably not immediately, sharing something about yourself that you don't share with everyone might make her feel more comfortable to tell you about what she's going through.

IRMF45
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2018
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/3/2018 1:49 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi @Labradorite. Thank you very much. Yes I hadn't thought of that. I've had my own health issues a few years ago and although close friends know some of the details, it's certainly not something everyone knows. Definitely something to think about.

Kind regards and once again many thanks.

Chris

scifigal2k
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Date Joined May 2012
Total Posts : 3456
   Posted 3/3/2018 5:29 PM (GMT -6)   
I know sometimes for dating I struggled (and still do with my hubby) with not knowing how I was going to feel that exact day.

This may sound weird, but this may be worth a shot: have some flowers delivered to her in the office, with a bit longer of a note in it to ask her out. You could say something like, "Hey, I just wanted to know if you wanted to go out with me. I know sometimes your health may make it difficult for certain things, and I don't know what they are. If you to go out, what are some general ideas of what you would like to do, and I could do the planning from there? If I don't hear back from you before (some date), then I will take it that you aren't interested, and I completely respect that."

That gives her some time to think about a reply, not be put on the spot to come up with an answer if her first reaction is to just say no. It also lets her know that you are aware of her health and want to be considerate, but you think she's worth doing the planning for. It also gives her an out if she wants to say no because she's not interested.

Not sure if that makes much sense, but it seems a gentler approach with a woman who may need that right now.
"For this thing I besought the Lord thrice that it depart from me. He said, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities; I take pleasure in infirmities, reproaches, necessities, persecutions, distresses, for when I am weak, then am I strong" 2 Cor

IRMF45
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2018
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/4/2018 2:11 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi @scifigal2k, thank you for taking the time to reply. I don't think your suggestion is weird. However she is very shy and quiet and to send her flowers in an open plan office I know would really embarrass and I need to make sure that she isn't hurt in anyway.

However letting her decide the venue, if indeed she says yes, is most definitely the right way to go.

Many thanks and kind regards

Chris

NiceCupOfTea
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 10555
   Posted 3/4/2018 8:19 AM (GMT -6)   
Honestly, the flowers would freak me out. Everyone is different and some women might like it, but I think it's a tad too forward for most. Better to be in the relationship first before sending flowers, imo.

As for asking her out, do you ever get to be alone with this woman? I would begin with something simple like asking her out for a coffee at lunchtime - something like that. (Obviously she doesn't have to have coffee; she can have tea, a soft drink, or whatever. I can drink coffee but I know some folks with Crohn's have issues with it.)
Dx Crohn's in June 2000. (Yay skull)
Tried: 5-ASAs, azathioprine, 6MP, Remicade, methotrexate, Humira, diets.
1st surgery 20/2/13 - subtotal colectomy with end ileostomy.
2nd surgery 10/7/15 - ileorectal anastomosis. Stoma reversed and ileum connected to the rectum.
Current status: Chronic flare. Do I have any other kind?
Current meds: 50mg 6MP; Entyvio (started 3/11/16)

IRMF45
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2018
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/4/2018 8:42 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi @NiceCupOfTea. Yes there are moments where we are alone, there is a communal kitchen where shall we say, I'll go and get a drink at the same time as her, purely coincidental you understand smile

I did think about a lunch time drink. All places are within about 10-15 minutes from where we work most with limited parking, so I was concerned that the 10-15 minutes might be a tad too far?

Kind Regards and thanks

Chris

NiceCupOfTea
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 10555
   Posted 3/4/2018 8:45 AM (GMT -6)   
She has to get to work, doesn't she? If her commute is 10-15 minutes or longer, then it's not too far.
Dx Crohn's in June 2000. (Yay skull)
Tried: 5-ASAs, azathioprine, 6MP, Remicade, methotrexate, Humira, diets.
1st surgery 20/2/13 - subtotal colectomy with end ileostomy.
2nd surgery 10/7/15 - ileorectal anastomosis. Stoma reversed and ileum connected to the rectum.
Current status: Chronic flare. Do I have any other kind?
Current meds: 50mg 6MP; Entyvio (started 3/11/16)

IRMF45
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2018
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/4/2018 9:16 AM (GMT -6)   
Fair point @NiceCupOfTea. Thank you.

Kind Regards

Chris

NiceCupOfTea
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 10555
   Posted 3/4/2018 9:20 AM (GMT -6)   
Good luck :p

IRMF45
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2018
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 3/4/2018 9:27 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you.
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