Celey - Thank you for taking the time and effort to reply - much appreciated. Yes, you can call me Tea.
It's almost impossible for me to not think ahead - it's as though my brain has become primed to see threats everywhere and doesn't know how to stand down from high alert
. I never used to be like this; I've changed. I have always been prone to depression, but the ever present fear is a relatively new thing. I can't pinpoint a single cause: I think it's the result of lots of bad things which have happened over the past few years. I don't feel safe anymore. I can't
feel safe. On top of my personal traumas, it feels like my country is turning into a place I don't recognise anymore.
I am sorry your grandmother was so very unhelpful - instilling fear into a child is not a nice or kind thing to do. But I am also glad you were able to overcome that fear. I can relate: there is a history of mental illness in our family. And in the past year I have frequently felt doomed to follow in the footsteps of my brother, who sadly committed suicide a year and a half ago. I read all the stuff pertaining to his death - witness statements from friends, etc. It was clear his mental health had deteriorated badly. I hadn't noticed because he was living abroad and we weren't in touch. But some elements of his life were similar to mine e.g. he had lost people close to him, had given up his job and was isolated.
However I refuse to think like that anymore.
I am seeing a therapist once a month and have a care coordinator that I see once every few weeks as well. However, neither help much. The therapist is a lovely person, but I'm not feeling like speaking to her helps me to come to terms with anything. I'm still raging into a void!
Having goals are a good idea. Unfortunately I'm not sure what mine are :-/ I used to have little projects on the go, but I can't think of anything to do anymore. Well, that's not entirely true. I was going to get a dog; learn a programming language; perhaps even try to learn a foreign language (French or German, not sure which). I would also dearly love to travel, love to be less lonely.. all things which seem impossible right now.
As for the uveitis, I am determined to seek a second opinion from a uveitis specialist. And then find something which works. That will be the best antidote to fear.
I'm shattered now. In fact I was shattered when I started the post <_<. One side effect of all the fear is constant exhaustion apparently. But I do appreciate your post and I will look for methods of reducing fear.
Dx Crohn's in June 2000. (Yay )
Tried: 5-ASAs, azathioprine, 6MP, Remicade, methotrexate, Humira, diets.
1st surgery 20/2/13 - subtotal colectomy with end ileostomy.
2nd surgery 10/7/15 - ileorectal anastomosis. Stoma reversed and ileum connected to the rectum.
Current status: Chronic flare. Do I have any other kind?
Current meds: 50mg 6MP; Entyvio (started 3/11/16)