Thank you all for the kind words and thoughts. That's what makes this place so great.
As to what's going on in my life that's triggered this, it's hard to explain. For one, depression (not the blues) seems to run in my family. Serious, suicide-inducing-type depression (my sister). I fought this many years before and won that battle thinking I'd never have to deal with it again. I don't know when it started back, but it's been lurking for years. It really went into high gear this year. As with many people, there are more things than one that contributed to it and it's just snowballed.
As for the Remicade, we are some of those who have insurance, but the deductibles are very high. I've been told my rheumatologist that I might still qualify for assistance from Centecor, but I'd still have to pay for the infusions, and that's more than the drug. We've barely been breaking even with the meds and doctor bills we already pay for. That fact hasn't helped my depression, but it's only one of a very long list of things.
It's really crazy, but something that happened to me in childhood that I never really dealt with has come back to bite me. I'll just say that it was a type of abuse from a family member (not a parent), and it wasn't something that I had "blocked out" or anything. But one day back in the winter or spring, I became so grieved, not for me as an adult, but for that little girl of long ago who had not been protected against this terrible thing. It's crazy I know, but something in the present triggered it, and I'm just trying to process it all.
I know you all would say to get counselling, but good counsellors are few and far between in my rural area. My experience with counselling has not been anything to brag about. I was sent into counselling once because my dr. thought my gut problems were all in my head. Hmm. Back then I also tried my pastor and found that things said in private may end up in a sermon as a "someone once told me..." moment.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. -Joy
48 yr. old. Ileocolitis. CD since early teens, misdx'd until age 36. Hemicolectomy-left side in 2001. Disease returned in 2003. Arthritis, episcleritis, chronic pain due to surgeries (nerve damage, adhesions) and disease. Recently dx'd scoliosis. History of endometriosis.