OK so I have been thinking -- I know this gets me in to trouble. Anyway here goes:
When I was first dx they said this was a managable disease that could be controlled with medication so that I could live a normal life. Now I know that if we had "normal" lives we wouldn't neccessarily be on this board, but do you think that the majority of CD'ers do lead "normal" lives? Or do they just say that to keep us calm so we don't panic when they tell us we have this DD? They might figure we will adjust over time and begin to accept....
Like my body is a traitor, I can not trust it.
Like my body is an alien - I don't really recognize it, and we speak different languages.
I ask my alien body - Can I do this? It doesn't respond it doesn't seem to speak my language.
I ask my alien body - Will I be able to get through this situation? It does not give me a response --- until I am in the middle of that situation.
Some times I go ahead and everything is fine, my alien body cooperates,
Some times I go ahead and everything is not fine, my alien body does not cooperate,
Some times I am just paralized by fear.
Now I don't want you to think that I am depressed because I'm not... I am actually coming to an acceptance of this disease (at least for now -- in two months I maybe completely unaccepting). I believe that all things happen for a reason, I just don't know why this has happened yet...
The catalyst for this topic? I went to my OB yesterday to have a fibroid removed from my uterus. When he re-examined me (he saw me 3 weeks ago) he said that the fibriod was so small now that he wouldn't remove it but that he had to freeze my cervix so that it would stop bleeding all the time. Apparently my skin was so thin that it would tear with even the minor contact of a q-tip. The purpose of this is to kill the weak cells so new strong cells grow back. He said I would have sluffing for a few days. Now I am leaking as if I was preg. and my water broke...... so I wonder is this the sluffing or am I just "defrosting"? Ha - oh and I am half serious....
I'll end my crazy rambling...